What Child Free Means to Me

I wrote a blog post for We're {Not} Having A Baby earlier this week. That is a child free website. The people who run it, Lance and Amy, are fantastic and supportive people. You can read my post here.

I got some VERY negative comments on that post from some members of the child free community. Some were downright nasty and cruel. It was so bad that Lance and Amy wrote this follow-up post. Their follow-up post was wonderful. I think it raises some great points.

I would like to thank all of the people who commented who were kind and those who disagreed with me in a civil manner.

I got a really sweet message from my hardcore child free sister-in-law after she read the post. She said something that I absolutely love -

"I tend to think of being child free as living life for me, not for my progeny. It means making yourself a Limited Edition Model vs. an assembly line item." 

This is the best definition I've ever seen of what child free living is. And this is exactly what I am doing - living my life for me and for my husband. To me, child free doesn't mean you hate kids. It doesn't mean that you think "breeders" are awful. It doesn't mean that you never, ever, ever wanted to have children. To me, child free means that you are choosing to live an amazing life without children.

It's funny, since we decided to stop fertility treatments I have started really appreciating my childless life. I have a job that I absolutely love and I work hours that wouldn't work if I had a kid. My husband and I are planning trips to go on because we love to travel. (Soon we are going to Niagara Falls!) Travel is just not as fun with littles in tow. 

Right now I honestly don't want to be pregnant. I don't want a child. (I never thought I would utter those words!) That could change in five years, I don't know. I'm leaving my options open because I find it confining and overwhelming to lock myself into a permanent decision right now. I'm only 26 for heavens sake. But for now I am so happy with the family that I have.

Writing that post and reading the responses did teach me something. I do not need the approval of anyone when it comes to how I self-identify. Right now I self-identify as child free. I am not childless or child preferred. Childless implies that I am missing something - I'm not. Child preferred implies that I want to have a baby right now - I don't.

I made a choice and I am happy with it. I am living a life that makes me happy. No negativity can take that away from me.

Barrenness Has Its Perks

Every night my husband and I talk about the many benefits of not having children. At first I could only think of the negatives but I’ve really gotten into this nightly game of ours. I thought I’d share some of our musings with you all.

We get to use as much foul language as we want in our house (and trust me, we use a lot of it). The dogs certainly aren’t going to go repeat anything we say to their grandma and grandpa.

We get to watch Dexter, The Walking Dead and American Horror Story without worrying about emotionally scarring someone for life.

I won’t need a boob-lift. Seriously, breast feeding does all kinds of horrible to your boobs. Mine will remain firm and perky for quite some time.

We can go on vacations that we will actually enjoy. No Disney Land for us! We can stay at those couples-only resorts and drink as many adult beverages as we want to.

Piper and Kabuki won’t have to compete with a small human for our attention. It would have been a very hard adjustment for them. We are pretty sure that they think they are human children.

The only cartoons in this house are South Park and Bob’s Burgers. Dora the Explorer will never be singing her annoying songs on our television.

The liquor cabinet will never require a lock.

We get to sleep in on the weekends. And naps. We get to take naps whenever we feel like it.

We will get to spend our money on things that are actually fun instead of paying for diapers and private schools.

It’s all about the silver linings. #Winning

Dreaming a New Dream

Image courtesy of http://gateway-women.com

Once again I have to apologize for my absence on my blog. I have been VERY busy. I got a new job! I really like it and I am excited to be working outside of the home.

A lot has happened in infertility-land since I last blogged. My husband and I have come to yet another decision. We are not doing an IVF cycle this year. We are officially on hiatus from trying to get pregnant. We are going to re-evaluate how we feel and what we want to do in Spring of 2014. There is a very real possibility that we will decide not to pursue IVF. We will also not be pursuing adoption at this time (possibly never). Right now I am considering us childfree.

After nearly three years of hell I finally feel free. I feel like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders. My husband does too. Infertility has taken a major toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I see many women in the infertility community that go through treatments for years or who are going through the adoption process and they are still able find joy in their lives. I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve been stuck and massively unhappy. Please understand that this is the perspective I am coming from. I am still 100% supportive of those of you that are continuing your path to parenthood. It just became less of a path for me and more of a mud-bog of misery that I have been stuck in.

All that said, I am excited about the future now because my future isn't being held hostage by something that may never happen. I now feel like I have some control over my future.

My husband and I are learning to dream new dreams and we are working towards new adventures. We want to travel. We want to go on a cruise and to Las Vegas. I want to build a career. We want to do some home renovations. You know that room that was set aside to be a nursery? That is now my room to do whatever I want with.

We may decide in the Spring or even in a few years that we want to try again. Right now we are living our lives and learning to be happy again.

I hope you stay with me as I continue to blog. While I may not be trying to conceive right now I do know that struggle, the pain is still there and I will always fight like hell for the rights of every person to build their family. I will also be blogging from the ‘childfree after infertility’ perspective for the time being. I think this is an underrepresented group in the infertility community.

I still have a lot of emotions to work through. Some days are hard (for example, hearing about the royal baby non-stop for days has been really hard) and some days are great. I don’t expect to be 100% okay with not having kids anytime soon. I know it will take some time. I still cannot stand hearing about pregnancies or babies. If anything, knowing that I’ll probably never have those things makes hearing about them even more grating. Hopefully I will eventually get to a point where being around children and hearing about pregnancies won’t make me want to gag.

I realize that many people will think that I have simply “given up.” But you know what? It took more strength, tears and bravery than I can adequately express to come to the decision that we have.

I have not given up. I have chosen to live again.

An End In Sight

My husband and I had a long talk about the future and about infertility and we have come to a decision.

We are doing our one round of IVF sometime this fall, but that's it. If that cycle results in a pregnancy we will be thrilled. If it does not we will be devestated. We will mourn the loss of what we though our lives would look like. Then we will try to move on.

We need there to be an end in sight. These two and a half years have been full of anguish, disappointment, and sadness. We want our life back. We want to learn to enjoy life again.

This was a hard decision to come to. It's really hard knowing that I may not have the happy ending that I expected. It's hard knowing that my childhood dream of being a mother may never come true.

But that is life. Not all dreams come true.

Maybe I will have new dreams. Maybe chasing those new dreams will bring me happiness. I hope so.

Then again, maybe our lone IVF cycle will work and we will get a miracle. I want to believe that this is what will happen. But I'm starting to feel like I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen. So please, have some hope for me. My supply is running on empty.

Regardless of what happens, the blog will still be here. It might change a bit but I'm not going anywhere.

Much Love,

Rach

In Which I Realize That I Have Value

I took a blogging and Twitter break for a month. I needed some time to think about things other than infertility and having babies. I needed it for my sanity. The break was helpful. I finally feel that I am truly okay and valuable without children. That may sound so basic to some of you. It's a big deal for me.

I spent most of my life working towards two goals- getting married and having children. Needless to say, infertility left me feeling lost and incomplete.

All this time I knew on an intellectual level that I was important even if I was never a mother but I didn't feel that way. During my break I finally started feeling that I am important and of value, and that having or not having kids will ever change that. Nothing will ever change the fact that I have value. I still have a long way to go in valuing myself as an individual, as just Rachel. But I'm getting there.

Twittergate 2013

***This post is referring to a dialogue that has been going on over on Twitter concerning how hard it seeing constant baby/pregnancy updates when women are still in the infertility trenches. Likewise, the women who are pregnant/parenting after infertility have a hard time because they want to share their lives with Twitter and the infertility community but they worry about hurting the women who still don't have children.***

***I am not coming down on either side of the arguments. I see both sides.***

Love can be a battlefield, but we are not one another's enemy. Infertility is our enemy. We have that in common.

I feel bad, but I really understand how the people who are sick of the baby posts feel. I get it. It does hurt. I get sick of it too. If you ever went through infertility you understand how much those things hurt and because you know how much it hurts it makes it harder to share your joy when you have a child. You don't want to hurt others but it is inevitable that the people in the trenches will be a bit hurt by such things, even though they are thrilled for you. It's an awful cycle. And honestly, I don't know the answer to it. 

I will continue to follow my pregnant and parenting after infertility friends. I will support you when you are nervous about your pregnancy, scared about giving birth and when you are terrified that you aren't a good mom. I will love  and support you and offer what encouraging words I can. I am not a mom, so my ability to understand is limited. But I will still try and offer what comfort and support I can in those things just like I know you'll support me and offer me kind words every time I find out that yet another friend is pregnant, another test is negative, another treatment didn't work, and when I need to vent.

I think that all anyone on either side of the argument has been trying to say is this- We need to be mutually supportive. 

We can be thoughtful of each other's struggles and still be happy in our own joy. We can be happy when we see our friends get their dream and still be sad that we haven't gotten ours. Let's do that. Let's just support one another. 

Love shouldn't always be such a damn battlefield. Let's save the battlefield for fighting infertility.

Easter 2013

This is the first Easter since we learned that we were infertile that I have not been sad. Holidays are typically very hard for people going through infertility. They usually are for me. I'm really okay. I hope that feeling lasts through tomorrow.

Right now I believe that God is giving me a dose of what Easter is really all about: Hope.

Christ gave the world hope when He sacrificed Himself as payment for our imperfections. I am so grateful for that sacrifice and for love that He shows me daily. Even when I am angry at God, life and the universe He still doesn't give up on me. He sees every tear and mourns with me. That is love.

I hope and pray that this Easter brings you hope, peace and joy. Happy Easter.

Now a quick update- After looking over the finances and considering how long my body would need to fully recover from my gallbladder surgery and Crohn's fiasco, we are looking at doing our IVF cycle in August. Of course, I'll need the approval of my gastroenterologist first but hopefully I'll be well enough to get it. I'm very, very excited.

Here is to 2013. Here is to Hope.

Happy New Year!

2012 was a heck of a year. I can't say it was my favorite year ever. In fact, most of it sucked. But you have to go through the sucky things in life to get to the good and I plan on 2013 being amazing.

What happened this year? A lot. I've learned a lot through the pain and I'm thankful for what I've learned. Now I'm ready for the good part, the moving on part, the "happily ever after" part. I realize I may not find that part this year, but I can hope. I HAVE to hope. It's all I've got to keep me going.

So here is to 2013. Here is to hope.

I Dreamed a Dream

I am super excited about the movie version of Les Miserables that is coming out on Christmas day. My husband and I love Les Miserables. I've always loved it, but now it has a whole new meaning to me. I feel like I can relate to several of the characters, two in particular: Fantine and Eponine.

The song, I Dreamed a Dream, is my song. It is about a woman who dreamed that life would hold nothing but the best for her and then she learns the cruel truth that life will beat you up and leave you broken.

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Who of us going through infertility can't relate to these words? Anyone going through any kind of heartache can relate. Fantine is a character without hope. Her dreams have been killed, her future destroyed. I have days that I feel that way. Sometimes this fight feels so hopeless. Sometimes it feels like this storm simply cannot be weathered.

Then there is Eponine. Eponine is in love with a man who loves someone else. She doesn't give up on her hope that he will one day love her in the way that she loves him. Finally, some of that love is reciprocated...as she dies.

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

You're here, that's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

And rain will make the flowers grow.

I can relate to her words as well, even though they are meant for the man she loves. Some days it feels like nothing could possibly hurt me after knowing the intense pain of not having the child that I long for. Holding that child close and keeping them safe is all that I dream of. 

Then there is the line, "And rain will make the flowers grow." Through this hell flowers have grown and I have to believe that more will bloom. I've found myself through this. I'll be a better mother for that. I'll appreciate my child in a way that many parents can't even imagine. I won't take a single breath or heartbeat for granted. But the most beautiful flower that I can see growing out of this horrible storm is my child. Through this pain I will get my precious child. I don't know if I'll give birth to them or if they will be brought to me through adoption, but they will be my treasured child.

This is why my husband and I have decided that if we have a daughter her name will be Eponine (nicknamed Nina to avoid confusion with teachers and some family members). And above her crib will be stenciled the beautiful words that I cling to...

...And rain will make the flowers grow. 

Finding Myself and My Voice Through Infertility

For those of you who missed it I did a guest post for Bloggers for Hope. I talked a little about how I've found myself and my voice through this really hard time in my life. I want to expand on that a bit more.

Here is my post at Bloggers for Hope: Finding Your Voice

So how has something that has broken me into pieces help me find out who I really am? When the pieces are all on the floor you have to put them back together. I am choosing to make my pieces into a mosaic. Yes, I'm still walking on a lot of that broken glass. But at least my glass veneer has been broken

I have learned that I cannot live my life based on the expectations that the world or individual people think that I should. Once you don't meet one big expectation that the world puts on you - the ability to reproduce easily and become part of the mommy club - you start realizing that you don't have to adhere to the other irrational expectations put on you.

I have spent my whole life trying to fit in to a certain degree. Infertility has left me completely out, and from the outside I am able to find who I really am, what I really feel, what I think and that it is okay if they don't line up with what the people around me feel or think.

So who am I?

I'm an activist. I have made it one of my life goals to try and take the stigma out of infertility. I won't back down and I won't stop talking about it, even if that makes others uncomfortable because they've never had to experience it. I've actually taken up several causes, but I won't go into all of them here.

I am a friend. When you have experienced an unspeakable pain you learn to be sensitive to the pain of others. Learning to not try to "fix" people who are in pain takes walking through hell yourself. That is when you learn to just hold their hand and stand with them and to be the shoulder they can cry on when they cannot stand anymore.

I'm funny. In kind of a dark, weird way. Hey, sometimes you just need to laugh at the insanity of life. It makes it so much more fun!

I don't need the approval of others. I've had to cut some people out of my life through all of this, and that is okay. I'm going through enough right now. I owe it to myself to distance myself from the negativity and judgment of other people. This is MY life.

I am freaking strong. Anyone who can walk through hell, acknowledge it for what it is, and then pick themselves back up over and over again deserves a medal in my book. I know so many women and men who do it, and they are amazing. Getting through it this far is a victory for me.

All of these things have made me a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife, a better person. And all of these things will someday make me an amazing mother. My someday child deserves a mom who knows herself. Most importantly, I deserve to know myself.

The Champagne Room is Open

Gotta love that title. It reminds me of a song from when I was a teenager. Computers don't give out champagne (unfortunately we haven't created such a brilliant technology yet) but the party is open!

The Thirty-One part to help my husband and I raise the funds needed for our first IVF cycle is now open!

http://www.mythirtyone.com/shop/catalog.aspx?eventId=E2109348&from=DIRECTLINK

Please take a look, browse through the catalog, and see if you find something you like. If you don't find anything you'd like to purchase (and even if you do), prayers are greatly needed and appreciated!

I am still just in awe of all the love and support that has been shown to my husband and I during this very stressful and emotionally trying time.

You guys have reminded me that there IS still good in this world, and God has used your love and kindness to remind me that He hasn't forgotten us. Those two things are priceless.

Now lets have a virtual toast to hope. I'm drinking lemonade. So yeah, here, here!

Some Cool News

I have some really cool news!

I have an really awesome friend who has generously offered to help my husband and I raise money for IVF by throwing an online Thirty-One party! 20% of all sales will go to help us build our family.

The online party will start this Friday, August 17th, at 6:00am an will end on the night of Thursday, August 30th at midnight.

Please, take a look at the catalog and see if here is anything you'd like. If you have any friends who love Thirty-One products, please let them know about this party as well.

If you are wondering what Thirty-One is, thy are a company that sells handbags, totes, organizational products, gifts, insulated lunch bags and much, much more. The best part? You can customize your product. You pick the print and can have a name, word or monogram added to it!

Here is the link to my party!

Rachel's Thirty-One Party

Twenty-Five

I'm twenty-five today. Of course, I'm pretending that I'm twenty-two. Twenty-five just seems so...well...adult. Twenty-five really is the end of childhood. I can rent a car now. I'm REALLY an adult. I have been trying desperately to clutch to youth as I have approached this birthday and I think I've figured out why. 

I am twenty-five, but I feel fifty. In the past year of my life I have had to do a whole lot of growing up in a small amount of time. This year I've had to come to terms with the fact that life isn't always what I thought it would or should be. I have experienced the bitter pain of monthly disappointments. That is a pain that no one should ever have to experience. I've had to change my plans over and over again in the pursuit of motherhood. I'm exhausted. I am sure that my fellow fertility fighters know this feeling.

I have also learned who I am this year. I have learned that I am more than my ability to produce a child. I am talented. I've become a web developer! That's a big difference from what I went to college for (paralegal studies). I've learned to love and hurt with others who are experiencing pain, even if I've never met them. I've found my inner advocate. I have been very vocal about the struggle that my husband and I are going through and often times I am sure that it has been to the annoyance of others. I've learned that I don't care if my choices or my opinions don't meet the approval of others. There are only three people that I need the approval of: God, my husband, and myself.

The thing is, I am Rachel. I am not just a childless woman. I am a woman with many layers. I am talented, loving, creative, caring, funny, and unique. Most of all, I am strong. I have more strength than I ever thought possible. If you had told me one year ago that my husband and I would be where we are now I would have told you that it was impossible, that I couldn't do it. Guess what? I've done it and I'm still standing tall. 

I have my frequent moments of intense sadness and sorrow, but for those of you who don't know me well that is a huge showing of strength too. Until recently I have always pushed my feelings down and tried to never let them show. That was my way of trying to controlling life. I'm showing those emotions now and I know that life cannot be controlled. I am experiencing pain, but I am getting through it.

Thinking back over all that I have learned through this painful year has shown me something. I am going to be a much better mother than I would've been had it come easy. If it had come easily I would have child and my entire identity would be wrapped up in that child. I wouldn't know who Rachel really is. My child will benefit from having a mother who is strong in her sense of self and doesn't rely on the expectations of society to define her worth. More importantly, I am benefiting from that knowledge. 

Yes, I'm exhausted. Yes, infertility sucks. But wow, what a year. 

My Birthday

Very soon I am turning 25. I know that may seem extremely young to a lot of you, but I'm sort of freaked out by it. I'm not freaked out because I'm getting older. I'm disappointed that my life looks much different at 25 than I thought that it would. I expected to have a bouncing baby in my lap by this point in my life.

We recently found out that we are most likely going to have to do IVF to have a child. We are seeking a second opinion, but I'm very doubtful that the second opinion will be any different. The IVF program that we found costs around $10,000 for one cycle. I can't even describe how it makes me feel to have to pay $10,000 to have something that should come so naturally. It's heartbreaking. I feel like I'm having to 'buy' my baby and that hurts so deeply that I can feel it in my heart. We, like most people of childbearing age, don't have $10,000 laying around. It feels so unfair that the bigger financial struggle for us is going to be getting pregnant instead of the cost of caring for a child. Unfortunately, fair has nothing to do with this.

Many people have asked us why we don't adopt. My husband and I have both prayed and thought a lot about what the right path is for us. At this time, it is not adoption. The thing about adoption that most people don't understand is that it isn't an easy process or a simple fix. The cost of domestic infant adoption ranges from $10,000-$30,000, with it usually being closer to the $30,000 mark. The other thing about domestic infant adoption is that you can be on a waiting list for years and years. You can also finally find a birth mother only to have her change her mind once the child is born. The average cost for international adoption is between $25,000-$40,000 and many countries require at least one parent to travel to the country and stay there for two to three weeks before they can bring their child home. This adds to the cost of the adoption. Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, but it isn't right for us right now.

All that said, I have one wish this year for my birthday. I just want a fighting chance at the opportunity to be someone's mom. I don't care about shiny things or pretty packages. I just want a chance at what comes so easily for most people. I know it's silly, but I've spent time writing to the child that I one day hope to hold. I've promised them and God that I will do my best to raise them to love God and to be a wonderful, loving person. I've promised my child that I will wait for them if they promise to come for me. I want nothing more intensely than to hold them in my arms. I've promised God that I will be grateful for them every day, every hour, every minute for the rest of my life.

I've added a donations button to my blog. It is in the upper right section of the blog. If you feel led to help us build our family, it's there. Also, please pray with us for a miracle. All I ever wanted as a little girl was to be a wife and a mommy. I have an amazing husband, but that little girl never imagined that this is what the road to motherhood would look like.

Today. Mother's Day.

This is the second most dreaded day of the year for me. The first is November 1st (the anniversary of when we started trying to get pregnant). I don't know, this one might be the most painful. I've spent today trying to pretend that today was just any other Sunday. I've stayed off of Facebook and even Twitter, but even the TV gives me no break.

There are no amount of tears I could shed today that could even come close to pouring out the pain that is in my heart tonight. I would give anything to hear a little voice calling me mommy today. I would give anything for today not to be a source of pain for me and all of my friends who are in the same boat as me.

Remember my friends, tomorrow will be kinder.

Faith and Infertility - Part Three. My Story.

Now it's my turn to talk about my continuing spiritual journey through infertility. This is a hard one to write because it is so deeply personal. What is true for me may not be true for you. My journey will not be the same as yours. That doesn't make either of us wrong.

My Faith

I'm going to start this out by telling you about my faith. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died on the cross to atone for the things that all of us have done and will do wrong. 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

The word love is mentioned in the Bible approximately 64,015 times. I believe that God wants us to love others in the same way that Jesus does. Jesus gave us a perfect example of how to love others.

This is my command: Love each other. (John 15:17 NIV)

That is what I believe and how I try to live my life. I don't always succeed, but I try. I am not a stereotypical Christian. I don't and would never hold up a sign telling anyone that they are going to hell outside of an abortion clinic, a gay bar, or anywhere else. I have a tattoo (and want another). I don't arrange ladies teas  or bake sales at my church (and I probably never will). I am hugely imperfect. I curse. I occasionally over-indulge in adult beverages. There are people I despise. I don't always show the love to others that I know I should. Trust me, there is more, but I'd rather not share all of  it on my blog. Point is, I'm human and I know it.

So there it is. That is me.

My Faith Through Infertility

When I first started to realize that it wasn't going to be as easy for me and my husband to have a child as it was for other people I wasn't hugely surprised. I always had this strange fear and feeling that this would happen. I assumed that once my doctor put me on clomid I would get pregnant quickly. That didn't happen.

When that didn't happen I got angry. Angry at God, at my own body, and at those who conceive children easily. I am still angry a lot of the time. I have (and still do) screamed at God. 
"Why are you doing this to me?" 
"If you can do something as difficult as sending your own Son to die for the sin of others why won't you do something as easy as giving me a baby?" 
"If you love me, prove it." 
Thankfully, God can handle my anger. It doesn't shock Him. He knows all my feelings already anyway. 

I also doubt. I sometimes question if there is any rhyme or reason to anything that happens in life. I have questioned if God has anything to do with what happens in our lives and if He even cares. Thankfully, He cares and is right next to me even when I doubt His presence.

If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
you who sees everything we do?
Why have you made me your target?
Have I become a burden to you? (Job 7:20 NIV)

Even if I summoned him and he responded,
I do not believe he would give me a hearing. He would crush me with a storm
and multiply my wounds for no reason. (Job 9:16, 17 NIV)

Feelings of anger and doubt are normal and okay. Job had them too. He was a good guy and a Godly guy. You probably won't hear this from anyone at your church or temple, so let me say it. It is okay to be angry and to doubt. God can handle it and His grace is sufficient for you.

I have hope too. I'm lucky to have a really awesome and supportive family. My great-aunt (who is an evangelist) sent me this verse:

He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord. (Psalm 113:9 NIV)

She told me to memorize it and believe it. I've got it memorized, and now I'm working on believing it.

I'm still working on trusting God. Not just with my fertility, but with everything. It's not something I ever expect to master, but I hope to improve it. Life is one step and one breath at a time. To a control freak (me) that is a hard realization. As I state continuously in my life and in this blog, I'm getting there.

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2012 Atlanta Walk of Hope

I started a team for the 2012 Atlanta Walk of Hope! We are doing really well with fundraising but we need more team members. Please join us if you are in the Atlanta area on the 28th of April. It is only a one mile walk and it is free to register.

All donations benefit RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. RESOLVE provides important resources and support for the infertility community. The Walk of Hope is a really great cause.

You don't have to be infertile to join us! It is open to anyone and everyone who wants to help raise awareness about infertility and spread hope to those suffering from it. This is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart. No one should have to feel alone in this journey.

If you would like to donate to or join our team, The One in Eight, please visit the link below.

2012 Atlanta Walk of Hope: The One in Eight

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Anniversary, New Year, and Hope.

Happy New Year! Well, it is still New Year's Eve here...

May this year bring great things. It has been a hard year for me and I can't say that I'm sad to see 2011 go. My hope and prayer this year for all of you (and for me) is that we get the desires of our heart and that all misery is washed away. High hopes, I know. But aren't infertile women the best at having impossible amounts of hope? A lot of people are spending today reflecting on 2011. I'd rather not. I'm looking to the future. 

Three days ago my husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. I have to say, I think it was the best anniversary so far. Regardless of how bad things seem I know that I can always count on my husband. I know that through it all he is standing right beside me, and I am doing the same for him. Even in the midst of heartache and disappointment we never fail to goof-off like teenagers, laugh until one of us starts crying (me), and then reassure each other that everything is going to be okay because we have each other. I wish that everyone was lucky enough to have a marriage like ours. I don't know what I would do without him.

Oh yeah! I also had an ultrasound on my anniversary. Romantic right? I have one good follicle on my right ovary and a smaller one of my left. My doctor said I can do three more rounds of Clomid since I am on such a low dose. Of course, my hope for this month has returned. It always does. Having those hopes dashed is the hard part. But there is always that tiny, quiet little voice inside me that says maybe my hope won't be dashed this time. A girl can hope, right?

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Things I Am Thankful For This Thursday

This week has sucked. I'm just going to put it out there - I'm pretty depressed. I have about a million things I could say about this week and the level of it's suckiness but I'm not going to. I am going to make a list of the things that I am thankful for this Thursday.

1) My sweet Piper. When we first realized that we were having problems conceiving my husband suggested that we get another dog. I wasn't totally on board at first because we already had one dog. I am so thankful we got Piper. She is the goofiest, cutest, sweetest dog you will ever meet. She is a major cuddle-bug and is basically a furry child. There have been multiple times this week that she has licked my cheek because there were tears running down it and she just wanted me to be happy. I am thankful for my Piper AND my Kabuki.

2) I am thankful for my job. I am a nanny. I LOVE my job. The family that I work for is incredible. The child that I take care of is a two-year-old little boy. For Internet purposes I will call him M. M is one of the cutest, sweetest kids you could ever meet. Seeing the smile on his face when I walk into his room in the afternoon to wake him up from his nap melts my heart. It is impossible not to smile around M. I am thankful for my job.

3) I am thankful for my friends and family. I am not the kind of person who has 50 friends. I have about 3 close friends, but they are awesome. They listen when I cry and hurt for me when I am sad. I also have an amazing family who are very loving and supportive. I never worry that I won't have a soft place to fall when times are hard. I am thankful for my friends and my family.

4) I have a new nephew. My brother and sister-in-law had a beautiful baby boy this week. He is their second child. Now, I know what my fellow infertile friends are thinking. You are thinking that this was really hard for me. In a way it was, but not for the reasons that I expected. I do not begrudge the fact that they were blessed with this precious child. My brother and SIL are incredible parents. When I was holding the new baby at the hospital I did feel a little sad because I wished that I was able to give him a cousin that was close in age to play with. I was also slightly sad because I wanted to be able to relate to my brother on that 'parent' level. But mostly, I was filled with an overwhelming love for this beautiful child just like I did when my niece was born. I am thankful for my new nephew.

5) I am thankful for my Tweeps. I never knew when I signed up for Twitter that I would find such an amazing support system. I have Tweeps that I have never met yet they truly care how my day went and how I am doing. I cry for them when they are sad, I get excited for them when they get good news, and I hope with them. I am thankful for my Tweeps.

6) I am thankful for Christ. The strength that has gotten me through this week is strength from God. I don't have that kind of strength on my own. I am thankful for Christ.

7) I am thankful for my husband. There is no one else in this world that I could face this journey with. He has the unique ability to make me laugh even when I feel like the world is crumbling around me. He is the most loving, kind person that I have ever met. I love him more than words can say. I am thankful for my husband.

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

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Superwoman

Let me just start out by saying that I have the most amazing mother in the world. She is one of the main reasons that I want so badly to be a mother myself. I grew up being cherished and loved by my parents. I know I wasn't (and still am not) always the easiest child to have, but I have always felt like my Mom truly enjoyed being my Mom.

My reproductive challenges have been hard for her too. Not because she just wants more grandchildren, but because it has hurt her to see me in pain. She has cried with me, hoped with me, and even gone to doctor appointments with me so that I wouldn't have to be alone if I heard bad news. She is amazing. As an adult she has become more than just my Mother. She is my friend.

She knows that I have been having a particularly hard time right now. Tonight she sent me this poem.

Confessions from Superwoman's Mom:

I am the mother of Superwoman. She doesn’t know she is Superwoman, but I do. 

I see her carry heavy weight on her shoulders and heart, and I even see her stoop under the load, but she doesn’t give up…..she straightens herself, hoists it on her shoulders and carries it a little longer. 

She is a master at adaptation. A new challenge comes along, she recoils, she yells with anger, she cries with grief and then she takes the challenge and makes it a new thread in the fabric of who she is. 

She cries when those she thought would be caring are instead thoughtless and cruel but she answers back carefully and learns how to be compassionate towards others.

I cry now for her pain and because she doesn’t know she is Superwoman. I pray confidently and expectantly for that day when I meet the little one who will know Superwoman as Mom.

My Mom is going through a very tough time of her own right now. She has an illness that has seriously impacted and changed her life. The doctors haven't been able to find a diagnosis. She deals with her own troubles on a daily basis. Yet she takes the time to care about my troubles. I am not the only superwoman. She is too.

I love you Mom.

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