Childfree Doesn't Mean You Forget

Hey, everyone!

It has been a while!  I've been living my life, having fun, and enjoying my childfree life.  I thought I had overcome the pain I experienced while I was trying to conceive, then Mother's Day came.

Mother's Day was painful this year.  My grief came back and hasn't gone away since the weeks leading up to Mother's Day.  I suppose the grief had been hiding under the surface for some time and it took a day that solely celebrates having a child to bring it to the surface.  I mean, it doesn't even matter if you're good at the whole "mom" thing, you still get celebrated on that day.  It made me think of what a good mom I'd be to a child.

I'm mad.  I'm mad that I didn't get to choose the childfree life.  It was chosen for me by life.  God, I hate life sometimes.  I'm mad that I'm not "over it."  I'm mad I grew up dreaming of being a mother only to have my dreams thwarted.  I'm mad that I would've made such a good mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I made the right decision for me.  Being childfree is a blast.  I have my dogs, my nights out, my mornings to sleep late, my vacations.  I truly enjoy my childfree life, but that doesn't mean I have stopped mourning what could've been.  I really thought I had moved on, but sometimes moving on doesn't mean forgetting.  Moving on doesn't mean grief doesn't still rear its ugly head sometimes, and that is okay.  I'll keep moving forward and moving on.

Now, for something not sad. Here is a picture of me and my husband in St. Thomas:

And the beach in Grand Turk:

Now THAT is childfree living!

A Little Fall Of Rain

I wrote this post in December describing my love of the musical Les Miserables and telling how it has related to my journey through infertility. My husband and I are watching it again tonight in the coziness of our home which means that we get to sing along (I was so bummed I couldn't belt out the lyrics in the movie theater).

This movie still means so much to me now that we've decided to live childfree. In my original post I said that if I ever had a daughter I wanted to name her Eponine because out of the rain of this hard time in our life something beautiful would grow - our child.

Well, we now know that a child will not be the flower that comes from this pain. But that doesn't mean that nothing beautiful can come from it. When I hear 'A Little Fall of Rain' now I think of my husband and I clinging to one another, me barely holding on, saying that a little rain can hardly hurt me after all we've gone through. He is comforting me giving me strength to hold on. I see great beauty in this. It is a beautiful love story - Two people clinging to each other during a storm and a war.

Rain still makes flowers grow, even if they were different flowers from what we expected. And they are beautiful.

"A Little Fall of Rain"

[EPONINE]
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

[MARIUS]
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

[EPONINE]
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

[MARIUS]
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

[EPONINE]
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

[MARIUS]
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
I'm here

I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping

[EPONINE]
And rain...

[MARIUS]
And rain... 

[EPONINE]
Will make the flowers...

[MARIUS]
Will make the flowers... grow... 

It Isn't Easy

Since I revealed that we have stopped trying to get pregnant I have gotten some wonderful support and feedback. I really appreciate all of the love and support that I have received. One of the comments I keep getting is people telling me that I'm brave. This one baffles me. I certainly do not feel brave right now.

I am trying to accept that I will most likely never have children. This isn't easy. It hurts. I am dealing with such a wide range of emotions.

The things that bothered me while we were going through treatments seem even harder now. Pregnancy announcements hurt so much. My heart actually aches when I see one. Hearing people talk about their kids nonstop feels very isolating. I cannot relate to them. I never will be able to. That is a very lonely feeling. Not fitting in with the mommy crowd makes me feel like less of a woman. Knowing I'll never fit in with them in terrifying. I don't want to feel this lonely forever.

I live in a smallish, conservative community in the south. There are not many women around here that don't have kids or at least plan on having them. I spent my entire life just knowing that I would be a mother. Yet here I am. And where I am right now feels very weird and foreign. I have no clue how to navigate my future. I'm just kind of winging it. And I'm doing it without many other women around me that have been where I am. I'm scared.

I am dealing with a major crisis of faith right now too. I don't want to go into detail because I'd probably just come off sounding like a heretic to some people but trust me, I'm really confused about everything I've ever believed about God right now.

I keep telling myself that it will get easier. It has to get easier. I just wish the easy part would hurry up and get here.

An End In Sight

My husband and I had a long talk about the future and about infertility and we have come to a decision.

We are doing our one round of IVF sometime this fall, but that's it. If that cycle results in a pregnancy we will be thrilled. If it does not we will be devestated. We will mourn the loss of what we though our lives would look like. Then we will try to move on.

We need there to be an end in sight. These two and a half years have been full of anguish, disappointment, and sadness. We want our life back. We want to learn to enjoy life again.

This was a hard decision to come to. It's really hard knowing that I may not have the happy ending that I expected. It's hard knowing that my childhood dream of being a mother may never come true.

But that is life. Not all dreams come true.

Maybe I will have new dreams. Maybe chasing those new dreams will bring me happiness. I hope so.

Then again, maybe our lone IVF cycle will work and we will get a miracle. I want to believe that this is what will happen. But I'm starting to feel like I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen. So please, have some hope for me. My supply is running on empty.

Regardless of what happens, the blog will still be here. It might change a bit but I'm not going anywhere.

Much Love,

Rach

Nope, Still Not a Mother(s) Day

I hate Mother's Day with a passion. I love my mom. I appreciate her more than words could ever express. I'm happy for women who are mothers. But I hate this day because of what it represents for me and many women like me - childlessness.

Despite all of the progress that women have made in our society there is still a stigma concerning women who aren't moms. We ARE looked at as less of a woman than a mother. We constantly get comments like:

"You don't know what real love is until you're a mom." 

"You wouldn't understand, you're not a parent." 

"Just wait until you're a mom. You don't know what tired is!" 

These types of comments are demeaning. They imply that our life experiences are less valid just because we don't have children. I have definitely been treated like less of an adult because I'm not a mom. It's like some people think that I can never attain true maturity unless I pop out a baby.

Maybe I'll feel differently about Mother's Day someday. But for now the only part of this day that I look forward to is the card that my husband makes for me from our dogs.

For those who have lost their mother, for those who have crappy moms, for those who have lost children, for those who live childfree and for those still waiting - I am thinking of you today.

I Dreamed a Dream

I am super excited about the movie version of Les Miserables that is coming out on Christmas day. My husband and I love Les Miserables. I've always loved it, but now it has a whole new meaning to me. I feel like I can relate to several of the characters, two in particular: Fantine and Eponine.

The song, I Dreamed a Dream, is my song. It is about a woman who dreamed that life would hold nothing but the best for her and then she learns the cruel truth that life will beat you up and leave you broken.

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Who of us going through infertility can't relate to these words? Anyone going through any kind of heartache can relate. Fantine is a character without hope. Her dreams have been killed, her future destroyed. I have days that I feel that way. Sometimes this fight feels so hopeless. Sometimes it feels like this storm simply cannot be weathered.

Then there is Eponine. Eponine is in love with a man who loves someone else. She doesn't give up on her hope that he will one day love her in the way that she loves him. Finally, some of that love is reciprocated...as she dies.

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

You're here, that's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

And rain will make the flowers grow.

I can relate to her words as well, even though they are meant for the man she loves. Some days it feels like nothing could possibly hurt me after knowing the intense pain of not having the child that I long for. Holding that child close and keeping them safe is all that I dream of. 

Then there is the line, "And rain will make the flowers grow." Through this hell flowers have grown and I have to believe that more will bloom. I've found myself through this. I'll be a better mother for that. I'll appreciate my child in a way that many parents can't even imagine. I won't take a single breath or heartbeat for granted. But the most beautiful flower that I can see growing out of this horrible storm is my child. Through this pain I will get my precious child. I don't know if I'll give birth to them or if they will be brought to me through adoption, but they will be my treasured child.

This is why my husband and I have decided that if we have a daughter her name will be Eponine (nicknamed Nina to avoid confusion with teachers and some family members). And above her crib will be stenciled the beautiful words that I cling to...

...And rain will make the flowers grow. 

The Battle That Never Ends

I don't want to write this post. It makes me sad. But I haven't written much in a while, so I figure I have to write something.

We are going to have to put off our IVF cycle for a couple of months. While we have had some wonderful people step up help us, we still don't have all the funds and we do not want to go into debt for this. Going into debt for it wouldn't be fair to any child that results from it, in our opinion. 

For those of you that don't know, I've started my own business and it has been harder than I thought it would be to find clients. I have much less money coming in from my job than I expected at this point, which also makes me sad. I know it takes time, but I feel like a failure.

We are really hoping that we won't have to wait past November to start IVF.

In the mean time we are trying one last cycle of clomid. So you can imagine what a joy I have been to be around. I really didn't have many side effects with my first five rounds. This one has been very different. I don't sleep well. When I do sleep I have the most horrible nightmares. My nerves are shattered and just about everything is making me irritable.

Infertile Confession: Today at the grocery store I parked in the expectant mother's parking spot and in my mind I was just daring anyone to say I didn't look pregnant. My response would've gone something like this, "It says expectant mother's, right? Well guess what!? I'm infertile and I've been expecting a baby for two years!"

So yeah, I'm a joy to be around at the moment. Haha... Oh, it's sad but it is so true! 

And on top of all of that I have had about fifty other VERY stressful things happen in the past three weeks. 

I'm so tired of this fight. I need a break, but there is no break in sight. Unfortunately, there are no breaks from the pain of wanting something with every fiber of your being, yet having to fight like hell to try to get it. You just have to keep fighting.

A Letter To The Child That I Long For

Dearest,

I wish you were here right now. I wish that I was awake because you were crying for me instead of being awake mourning that fact that you are not in my arms. 

I have never met you and don't know what you look like. Yet I still love you with every fiber of my being. I have prayed for you to get here countless times. I have cried countless times.

I will truly love and appreciate you every day. I will do my best to make sure that you grow to be a wonderful person. You will always be loved by your parents. I will marvel every day at the miracle that God entrusted to me.

I long for the day that we meet. I long to hold you in my arms. I long to know what you will look like and who you will become. There have been so many uncertainties in our journey to bring you here, but I am certain of one thing. You are worth the pain and the heartache. 

I love you.

One of the hardest things about infertility is that you are mourning a person that you love dearly but have never met. You fear that you may never meet them. These feelings are hard to deal with, they are hard to verbalize, and most people don't understand them. 

I love the child that I have never met just as much as a new mother loves the baby that she holds in her arms.

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