Monday, May 21, 2012

On to IVF

I was really hoping that this month would give us a miracle and that we wouldn't have to move forward with the IVF plan. It didn't. It doesn't matter how many times I've gotten my hopes up only to be disappointed, it still hurts like hell every time it happens. I'm having a hard time focusing on anything today. I'm just so upset. It's so hard how some people just don't understand how hard this is for infertile couples. They say, "It's not the end of the world." To me, it kind of is. Every month a little more of my optimism dies and that part of my heart that was so hopeful about the future grows colder.

I've sent a new patient appointment request to the Reproductive Endocrinologist that we want to do IVF with. I hope to be seeing him in late June. I'm also hoping beyond all hope that we can maybe do an IVF cycle by September, but that all depends on finances. The idea of waiting until September sucks. That's what infertility is, "hurry up and wait."

Thursday, May 17, 2012

My Birthday

Very soon I am turning 25. I know that may seem extremely young to a lot of you, but I'm sort of freaked out by it. I'm not freaked out because I'm getting older. I'm disappointed that my life looks much different at 25 than I thought that it would. I expected to have a bouncing baby in my lap by this point in my life.

We recently found out that we are most likely going to have to do IVF to have a child. We are seeking a second opinion, but I'm very doubtful that the second opinion will be any different. The IVF program that we found costs around $10,000 for one cycle. I can't even describe how it makes me feel to have to pay $10,000 to have something that should come so naturally. It's heartbreaking. I feel like I'm having to 'buy' my baby and that hurts so deeply that I can feel it in my heart. We, like most people of childbearing age, don't have $10,000 laying around. It feels so unfair that the bigger financial struggle for us is going to be getting pregnant instead of the cost of caring for a child. Unfortunately, fair has nothing to do with this.

Many people have asked us why we don't adopt. My husband and I have both prayed and thought a lot about what the right path is for us. At this time, it is not adoption. The thing about adoption that most people don't understand is that it isn't an easy process or a simple fix. The cost of domestic infant adoption ranges from $10,000-$30,000, with it usually being closer to the $30,000 mark. The other thing about domestic infant adoption is that you can be on a waiting list for years and years. You can also finally find a birth mother only to have her change her mind once the child is born. The average cost for international adoption is between $25,000-$40,000 and many countries require at least one parent to travel to the country and stay there for two to three weeks before they can bring their child home. This adds to the cost of the adoption. Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, but it isn't right for us right now.

All that said, I have one wish this year for my birthday. I just want a fighting chance at the opportunity to be someone's mom. I don't care about shiny things or pretty packages. I just want a chance at what comes so easily for most people. I know it's silly, but I've spent time writing to the child that I one day hope to hold. I've promised them and God that I will do my best to raise them to love God and to be a wonderful, loving person. I've promised my child that I will wait for them if they promise to come for me. I want nothing more intensely than to hold them in my arms. I've promised God that I will be grateful for them every day, every hour, every minute for the rest of my life.

I've added a donations button to my blog. It is in the upper right section of the blog. If you feel led to help us build our family, it's there. Also, please pray with us for a miracle. All I ever wanted as a little girl was to be a wife and a mommy. I have an amazing husband, but that little girl never imagined that this is what the road to motherhood would look like.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Today. Mother's Day.

This is the second most dreaded day of the year for me. The first is November 1st (the anniversary of when we started trying to get pregnant). I don't know, this one might be the most painful. I've spent today trying to pretend that today was just any other Sunday. I've stayed off of Facebook and even Twitter, but even the TV gives me no break.

There are no amount of tears I could shed today that could even come close to pouring out the pain that is in my heart tonight. I would give anything to hear a little voice calling me mommy today. I would give anything for today not to be a source of pain for me and all of my friends who are in the same boat as me.

Remember my friends, tomorrow will be kinder.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Mother's Day

As someone who desperately wants to be a mother, Mother's Day is a very hard day for me. I read an article the other day that got me thinking. No, I'm not a mother yet, but I have nurtured and shown love to many children in my life. Whether these children are family members, children that I was paid to care for, or children that captured my heart while on mission trips in Jamaica, I have and still do truly love all of them. To all the women out there that aren't mothers: You've made a difference in the life of some child at some point. You should be very proud of that. Happy Mother's Day.