Thursday, May 17, 2012

My Birthday

Very soon I am turning 25. I know that may seem extremely young to a lot of you, but I'm sort of freaked out by it. I'm not freaked out because I'm getting older. I'm disappointed that my life looks much different at 25 than I thought that it would. I expected to have a bouncing baby in my lap by this point in my life.

We recently found out that we are most likely going to have to do IVF to have a child. We are seeking a second opinion, but I'm very doubtful that the second opinion will be any different. The IVF program that we found costs around $10,000 for one cycle. I can't even describe how it makes me feel to have to pay $10,000 to have something that should come so naturally. It's heartbreaking. I feel like I'm having to 'buy' my baby and that hurts so deeply that I can feel it in my heart. We, like most people of childbearing age, don't have $10,000 laying around. It feels so unfair that the bigger financial struggle for us is going to be getting pregnant instead of the cost of caring for a child. Unfortunately, fair has nothing to do with this.

Many people have asked us why we don't adopt. My husband and I have both prayed and thought a lot about what the right path is for us. At this time, it is not adoption. The thing about adoption that most people don't understand is that it isn't an easy process or a simple fix. The cost of domestic infant adoption ranges from $10,000-$30,000, with it usually being closer to the $30,000 mark. The other thing about domestic infant adoption is that you can be on a waiting list for years and years. You can also finally find a birth mother only to have her change her mind once the child is born. The average cost for international adoption is between $25,000-$40,000 and many countries require at least one parent to travel to the country and stay there for two to three weeks before they can bring their child home. This adds to the cost of the adoption. Don't get me wrong, I think that adoption is a wonderful thing, but it isn't right for us right now.

All that said, I have one wish this year for my birthday. I just want a fighting chance at the opportunity to be someone's mom. I don't care about shiny things or pretty packages. I just want a chance at what comes so easily for most people. I know it's silly, but I've spent time writing to the child that I one day hope to hold. I've promised them and God that I will do my best to raise them to love God and to be a wonderful, loving person. I've promised my child that I will wait for them if they promise to come for me. I want nothing more intensely than to hold them in my arms. I've promised God that I will be grateful for them every day, every hour, every minute for the rest of my life.

I've added a donations button to my blog. It is in the upper right section of the blog. If you feel led to help us build our family, it's there. Also, please pray with us for a miracle. All I ever wanted as a little girl was to be a wife and a mommy. I have an amazing husband, but that little girl never imagined that this is what the road to motherhood would look like.


  1. I found out about our infertility when was 22. I get the feeling of being "so young" but the desire to have a child is still the same.

    When I turned 25 it felt heavy. So odd to be a quarter of a century old. So I understand that.

    My wish is the same as yours for your birthday, that you get a fighting chance to have the child you have dreamed about and prayed for.

  2. My heart hurts for you. I always tell myself it will all work out, I hope that is true for the both of us.

  3. Thank you both. My mantra right now is, "It will all be okay in the end. If it isn't okay, it isn't the end." I'm going to make myself believe it :-)

  4. I so hope you get your miracle for your birthday, whatever way that is supposed to happen. I wish I could give you all you need for this but that is not in the cards for me. We don't have much, anything really, but I gave what I could and want you to have it.

    I hope you do have a wonderful birthday and that more donations flow in.


  5. Sarah, your love and support has meant so much more to us than you will ever know. We love you dearly :-)

  6. Oh Rachel. My heart aches for you. I wish I had a magic wand that could fix it all for all of us. I am turning 25 this November. And I feel down about it too. I never had dreamed I could be 24 and have 5 babies in heaven. I will be praying for your familly, for God to find the best way to grow it, if IVF is the way then for him to pave the path, if adoption is the path them for him to make an undeniable change in your hearts.

    I think I have mentioned it before, but there are IVF trials going on. One I know of for sure was in NYC. Idk where you live but, before starting school we had talked about how the travel costs to there would be immensely cheaper than the cost of an entire IVF cycle out of pocket. Look into it, maybe you will be plesantly surprised! <3 sending you lots of love and prayers.

  7. Wow Rachel, I'm so sorry for you and the other hurting ladies on this page! I am praying for you and will hope the best.I know you would make an awesome mother and I'll be praying you have the chance to prove that sooner rather than later! Love and hugs to you!

  8. I can relate so much to everything you wrote here. Every sentence I found myself nodding in agreement...from adoption to how expensive IVF is to your age, I agree with it all! This is a ridiculously difficult journey and I hope and pray that you are able to navigate it with strength.

    1. I am so sorry that you can relate. I really wish no one has to know how this feels, but thank you very much for your kind words and support :-)

  9. I'm sorry that there are no easy answers. I'm sending lots of ((hugs)) and #hope that this next path is the one that leads you to the family of your dreams xoxo