Friday, June 28, 2013

An End In Sight

My husband and I had a long talk about the future and about infertility and we have come to a decision.

We are doing our one round of IVF sometime this fall, but that's it. If that cycle results in a pregnancy we will be thrilled. If it does not we will be devestated. We will mourn the loss of what we though our lives would look like. Then we will try to move on.

We need there to be an end in sight. These two and a half years have been full of anguish, disappointment, and sadness. We want our life back. We want to learn to enjoy life again.

This was a hard decision to come to. It's really hard knowing that I may not have the happy ending that I expected. It's hard knowing that my childhood dream of being a mother may never come true.

But that is life. Not all dreams come true.

Maybe I will have new dreams. Maybe chasing those new dreams will bring me happiness. I hope so.

Then again, maybe our lone IVF cycle will work and we will get a miracle. I want to believe that this is what will happen. But I'm starting to feel like I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen. So please, have some hope for me. My supply is running on empty.

Regardless of what happens, the blog will still be here. It might change a bit but I'm not going anywhere.

Much Love,


Sunday, June 23, 2013

In Which I Realize That I Have Value

I took a blogging and Twitter break for a month. I needed some time to think about things other than infertility and having babies. I needed it for my sanity. The break was helpful. I finally feel that I am truly okay and valuable without children. That may sound so basic to some of you. It's a big deal for me.

I spent most of my life working towards two goals- getting married and having children. Needless to say, infertility left me feeling lost and incomplete.

All this time I knew on an intellectual level that I was important even if I was never a mother but I didn't feel that way. During my break I finally started feeling that I am important and of value, and that having or not having kids will ever change that. Nothing will ever change the fact that I have value. I still have a long way to go in valuing myself as an individual, as just Rachel. But I'm getting there.