Monday, July 18, 2011

Another Cycle Begins

I started my third round of Clomid today. I am still very down about last month's failure. I am trying to work through my emotions and put on a happy face, but sometimes all I can do is cry. I am having a hard time getting excited about this cycle because I don't want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed again.

I couldn't get through this without the support of my wonderful husband and that of my family. I feel very blessed to have so many people who care so much about me. My mom, my aunts, my grandmothers, and my sister-in-law have been Godsends for me. They let me cry and get angry when I need to and are nothing but supportive. I love you guys. You are the kind of people that I want in my child's life when it does finally happen for me.

I think about what our child might be like all of the time. I wonder if they will be smart like their dad or if they'll have my green eyes. I think about all of the things that I want to teach them. To love God, to love people, and to have honor. I have begged God so many times for a child and promised that I will do everything in my power to make sure that they grow up to be good adults.

If this struggle has taught me anything it is that life is not fair. My dad told me that all the time when I was a kid but I never listened. I wish that I had. I may never understand why this is happening to us. I am just trying to get through it.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Always Waiting

I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test for pregnancy, waiting for my period, and waiting to become a mother. Right now I am waiting to test...again. I tested two days ago hoping I would get an early positive. I didn't. There was just one cruel pink line staring back up at me. I have to wait two more days to test again, but I have a sick feeling that it will still be negative.

I am having a "down" day. I am sad and nervous and feel hopeless. I went to a party today and saw a mother with her beautiful newborn daughter. Behind my smile and my words of congratulations I wondered if it would ever happen for me. I cannot imagine my life without seeing myself as a mother. So I wait. I wait for the next chapter of our life and our family. I wait...and wait...and wait some more.