Thursday, September 22, 2011

Things I Am Thankful For This Thursday

This week has sucked. I'm just going to put it out there - I'm pretty depressed. I have about a million things I could say about this week and the level of it's suckiness but I'm not going to. I am going to make a list of the things that I am thankful for this Thursday.

1) My sweet Piper. When we first realized that we were having problems conceiving my husband suggested that we get another dog. I wasn't totally on board at first because we already had one dog. I am so thankful we got Piper. She is the goofiest, cutest, sweetest dog you will ever meet. She is a major cuddle-bug and is basically a furry child. There have been multiple times this week that she has licked my cheek because there were tears running down it and she just wanted me to be happy. I am thankful for my Piper AND my Kabuki.

2) I am thankful for my job. I am a nanny. I LOVE my job. The family that I work for is incredible. The child that I take care of is a two-year-old little boy. For Internet purposes I will call him M. M is one of the cutest, sweetest kids you could ever meet. Seeing the smile on his face when I walk into his room in the afternoon to wake him up from his nap melts my heart. It is impossible not to smile around M. I am thankful for my job.

3) I am thankful for my friends and family. I am not the kind of person who has 50 friends. I have about 3 close friends, but they are awesome. They listen when I cry and hurt for me when I am sad. I also have an amazing family who are very loving and supportive. I never worry that I won't have a soft place to fall when times are hard. I am thankful for my friends and my family.

4) I have a new nephew. My brother and sister-in-law had a beautiful baby boy this week. He is their second child. Now, I know what my fellow infertile friends are thinking. You are thinking that this was really hard for me. In a way it was, but not for the reasons that I expected. I do not begrudge the fact that they were blessed with this precious child. My brother and SIL are incredible parents. When I was holding the new baby at the hospital I did feel a little sad because I wished that I was able to give him a cousin that was close in age to play with. I was also slightly sad because I wanted to be able to relate to my brother on that 'parent' level. But mostly, I was filled with an overwhelming love for this beautiful child just like I did when my niece was born. I am thankful for my new nephew.

5) I am thankful for my Tweeps. I never knew when I signed up for Twitter that I would find such an amazing support system. I have Tweeps that I have never met yet they truly care how my day went and how I am doing. I cry for them when they are sad, I get excited for them when they get good news, and I hope with them. I am thankful for my Tweeps.

6) I am thankful for Christ. The strength that has gotten me through this week is strength from God. I don't have that kind of strength on my own. I am thankful for Christ.

7) I am thankful for my husband. There is no one else in this world that I could face this journey with. He has the unique ability to make me laugh even when I feel like the world is crumbling around me. He is the most loving, kind person that I have ever met. I love him more than words can say. I am thankful for my husband.

What are you thankful for this Thursday?

Friday, September 16, 2011


Let me just start out by saying that I have the most amazing mother in the world. She is one of the main reasons that I want so badly to be a mother myself. I grew up being cherished and loved by my parents. I know I wasn't (and still am not) always the easiest child to have, but I have always felt like my Mom truly enjoyed being my Mom.

My reproductive challenges have been hard for her too. Not because she just wants more grandchildren, but because it has hurt her to see me in pain. She has cried with me, hoped with me, and even gone to doctor appointments with me so that I wouldn't have to be alone if I heard bad news. She is amazing. As an adult she has become more than just my Mother. She is my friend.

She knows that I have been having a particularly hard time right now. Tonight she sent me this poem.

Confessions from Superwoman's Mom:

I am the mother of Superwoman. She doesn’t know she is Superwoman, but I do. 

I see her carry heavy weight on her shoulders and heart, and I even see her stoop under the load, but she doesn’t give up…..she straightens herself, hoists it on her shoulders and carries it a little longer. 

She is a master at adaptation. A new challenge comes along, she recoils, she yells with anger, she cries with grief and then she takes the challenge and makes it a new thread in the fabric of who she is. 

She cries when those she thought would be caring are instead thoughtless and cruel but she answers back carefully and learns how to be compassionate towards others.

I cry now for her pain and because she doesn’t know she is Superwoman. I pray confidently and expectantly for that day when I meet the little one who will know Superwoman as Mom.

My Mom is going through a very tough time of her own right now. She has an illness that has seriously impacted and changed her life. The doctors haven't been able to find a diagnosis. She deals with her own troubles on a daily basis. Yet she takes the time to care about my troubles. I am not the only superwoman. She is too.

I love you Mom.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Ides of September

This has been one heck of a day. It's been one heck of a week. I have learned some important truths and gained some important insights.

1) Extreme amounts of stress can seriously affect the human body. 

I have Crohn's Disease. Over the past three weeks I have been having major problems with my stomach. I thought that I was having a flare-up of my Crohn's. I went to the doctor and found out that it is not the Crohn's. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy and thankful I am that it isn't Crohn's. The doctor looked at my chart and saw that I was going through fertility treatments and she asked me if I had been under much stress lately. I told her that I had. She told me that my stomach pain is Irritable Bowel Syndrome that has been brought on by huge amounts of stress. I had to laugh (after crying of course). Just one more reason that I need to 'just relax!' On a serious note, the medicine she gave me is helping a lot.

2) NEVER lose hope.

We got some crappy news today. We have to stop Clomid and go straight to the fertility clinic before we decide our next step. At first, I thought that this news was the end of the world. After really thinking about it I realize that all hope is not lost. This journey is just going to be a little longer than we thought. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband that I am proud to share this journey with. I know that we will be parents. God would not have given me this desire if it wasn't meant to be fulfilled.

3) People will not only let you down, they will hurt you. 

Infertility is a hard subject for many people. Since I became so outspoken about my struggles I have experienced a lot of negative feedback from people who I assume are uncomfortable with the subject. Some of that feedback has just been down right mean. It's okay though. I have so many wonderful people in my life who ARE loving and supportive and I can't help but feel kind of sorry for those who aren't.  It is a shame that some people cannot get past raw emotion and honesty because they will miss out on knowing so many great people in life. Life is messy, it is raw, and sometimes it just sucks. But that IS real life! In my experience, the people who are the most open and honest about how they really feel are the most loving and most fascinating people. It is sad when people can't see past the discomfort that they feel towards people that they don't understand.

I love you guys! I hope everyone is doing well.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

A Letter To The Child That I Long For


I wish you were here right now. I wish that I was awake because you were crying for me instead of being awake mourning that fact that you are not in my arms. 

I have never met you and don't know what you look like. Yet I still love you with every fiber of my being. I have prayed for you to get here countless times. I have cried countless times.

I will truly love and appreciate you every day. I will do my best to make sure that you grow to be a wonderful person. You will always be loved by your parents. I will marvel every day at the miracle that God entrusted to me.

I long for the day that we meet. I long to hold you in my arms. I long to know what you will look like and who you will become. There have been so many uncertainties in our journey to bring you here, but I am certain of one thing. You are worth the pain and the heartache. 

I love you.

One of the hardest things about infertility is that you are mourning a person that you love dearly but have never met. You fear that you may never meet them. These feelings are hard to deal with, they are hard to verbalize, and most people don't understand them. 

I love the child that I have never met just as much as a new mother loves the baby that she holds in her arms.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Beautiful Ovary

I had my ultrasound on Tuesday to check on my follicles. I have one really big one and another slight smaller (but still very big) one. I have never seen such beautiful pictures of an ovary before. I wanted to take them home and post them on Facebook so that I could feel like I "fit in" with all of my pregnant friends. I thought that might come off as pretty crazy though, so I decided against it.

My body is responding very well to the 100mg of Clomid, so my doctor wants to do it for two more months if this month doesn't work. I was really happy about that! I am very hopeful for this cycle, but I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. I do finally have some hope again. My husband was so happy a few days ago when he heard me say, "when we get pregnant," instead of, "if we get pregnant."