Saturday, May 27, 2017

Childfree Doesn't Mean You Forget

Hey, everyone!

It has been a while!  I've been living my life, having fun, and enjoying my childfree life.  I thought I had overcome the pain I experienced while I was trying to conceive, then Mother's Day came.

Mother's Day was painful this year.  My grief came back and hasn't gone away since the weeks leading up to Mother's Day.  I suppose the grief had been hiding under the surface for some time and it took a day that solely celebrates having a child to bring it to the surface.  I mean, it doesn't even matter if you're good at the whole "mom" thing, you still get celebrated on that day.  It made me think of what a good mom I'd be to a child.

I'm mad.  I'm mad that I didn't get to choose the childfree life.  It was chosen for me by life.  God, I hate life sometimes.  I'm mad that I'm not "over it."  I'm mad I grew up dreaming of being a mother only to have my dreams thwarted.  I'm mad that I would've made such a good mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I made the right decision for me.  Being childfree is a blast.  I have my dogs, my nights out, my mornings to sleep late, my vacations.  I truly enjoy my childfree life, but that doesn't mean I have stopped mourning what could've been.  I really thought I had moved on, but sometimes moving on doesn't mean forgetting.  Moving on doesn't mean grief doesn't still rear its ugly head sometimes, and that is okay.  I'll keep moving forward and moving on.

Now, for something not sad. Here is a picture of me and my husband in St. Thomas:

And the beach in Grand Turk:

Now THAT is childfree living!