Childfree Doesn't Mean You Forget

Hey, everyone!

It has been a while!  I've been living my life, having fun, and enjoying my childfree life.  I thought I had overcome the pain I experienced while I was trying to conceive, then Mother's Day came.

Mother's Day was painful this year.  My grief came back and hasn't gone away since the weeks leading up to Mother's Day.  I suppose the grief had been hiding under the surface for some time and it took a day that solely celebrates having a child to bring it to the surface.  I mean, it doesn't even matter if you're good at the whole "mom" thing, you still get celebrated on that day.  It made me think of what a good mom I'd be to a child.

I'm mad.  I'm mad that I didn't get to choose the childfree life.  It was chosen for me by life.  God, I hate life sometimes.  I'm mad that I'm not "over it."  I'm mad I grew up dreaming of being a mother only to have my dreams thwarted.  I'm mad that I would've made such a good mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I made the right decision for me.  Being childfree is a blast.  I have my dogs, my nights out, my mornings to sleep late, my vacations.  I truly enjoy my childfree life, but that doesn't mean I have stopped mourning what could've been.  I really thought I had moved on, but sometimes moving on doesn't mean forgetting.  Moving on doesn't mean grief doesn't still rear its ugly head sometimes, and that is okay.  I'll keep moving forward and moving on.

Now, for something not sad. Here is a picture of me and my husband in St. Thomas:

And the beach in Grand Turk:

Now THAT is childfree living!

Nope, Still Not a Mother(s) Day

I hate Mother's Day with a passion. I love my mom. I appreciate her more than words could ever express. I'm happy for women who are mothers. But I hate this day because of what it represents for me and many women like me - childlessness.

Despite all of the progress that women have made in our society there is still a stigma concerning women who aren't moms. We ARE looked at as less of a woman than a mother. We constantly get comments like:

"You don't know what real love is until you're a mom." 

"You wouldn't understand, you're not a parent." 

"Just wait until you're a mom. You don't know what tired is!" 

These types of comments are demeaning. They imply that our life experiences are less valid just because we don't have children. I have definitely been treated like less of an adult because I'm not a mom. It's like some people think that I can never attain true maturity unless I pop out a baby.

Maybe I'll feel differently about Mother's Day someday. But for now the only part of this day that I look forward to is the card that my husband makes for me from our dogs.

For those who have lost their mother, for those who have crappy moms, for those who have lost children, for those who live childfree and for those still waiting - I am thinking of you today.

Birthday Hell

My friends, it is coming. Dah, dah, duuuh! Birthday Hell.

What is Birthday Hell, you ask? Well, my mother is the one who coined the phrase. Birthday Hell is the period from about mid-May to the middle of June. In this short, one month period almost all of our family birthdays are celebrated along with Mother's Day, Father's Day and my parents' wedding anniversary.

The only people in my immediate family that do not have birthdays during this time is my husband and my nephew. Me, my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law and my niece ALL have birthdays within this four week period. It is INSANITY. For most families, December is the most expensive month because of Christmas. Not in my family!

We have even taken to just doing one big celebration instead of individual birthday parties, the exception to that rule being my very young niece (She is little. She needs fun birthday parties!). Even with our giant celebration we end up having plans every single weekend during this time because of Mother's and Father's Day.

The big joke in the family is that if anyone has a baby from here on out they need to make sure that their birth does not fall in the middle of Birthday Hell. Funny thing about that? If our IVF cycle in August is successful our baby/babies will be born smack-dab in the middle of the chaos. Hahaha! Just imagine how much fun Birthday Hell will be if we get pregnant with twins!!

So, my dear family. I apologize in advance. Sorry - Well, not really sorry. I'd do anything to make this IVF cycle work and have a baby in the middle of Birthday Hell.

Today. Mother's Day.

This is the second most dreaded day of the year for me. The first is November 1st (the anniversary of when we started trying to get pregnant). I don't know, this one might be the most painful. I've spent today trying to pretend that today was just any other Sunday. I've stayed off of Facebook and even Twitter, but even the TV gives me no break.

There are no amount of tears I could shed today that could even come close to pouring out the pain that is in my heart tonight. I would give anything to hear a little voice calling me mommy today. I would give anything for today not to be a source of pain for me and all of my friends who are in the same boat as me.

Remember my friends, tomorrow will be kinder.

Mother's Day

As someone who desperately wants to be a mother, Mother's Day is a very hard day for me. I read an article the other day that got me thinking. No, I'm not a mother yet, but I have nurtured and shown love to many children in my life. Whether these children are family members, children that I was paid to care for, or children that captured my heart while on mission trips in Jamaica, I have and still do truly love all of them. To all the women out there that aren't mothers: You've made a difference in the life of some child at some point. You should be very proud of that. Happy Mother's Day.