Monday, August 29, 2011

HSG and Ultrasound

I had my HSG last week. It was quite an experience. It was painful. The good news is that my fallopian tubes are clear. The left side had a small amount of blockage, but it was cleared by the dye being pushed through. I almost cried when they told me that they were clear because I was so happy and relieved (and from the pain too).

Tomorrow I go for an ultrasound to see how many eggs I have produced this month and to see if they are of good enough quality to be fertilized. You would think I was going to see an ultrasound of a baby I am so excited. I will be looking at potential babies! These are the things you end up clinging to when you are reproductively challenged.

I hope everyone is well. I will try to post an update tomorrow!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

HSG Anxieties

Tomorrow I am having a hysterosalpingogram, or HSG. It this test, dye is pushed through the fallopian tubes and uterus while x-rays are taken. It tests for uterus abnormalities and fallopian tube blockage. It is supposed to be a pretty uncomfortable procedure. I am not afraid of the pain. I am afraid of the results.

If you pray, please pray for me tomorrow. Pray for good results and for courage and strength for me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Hope Restored

I had an appointment with my doctor today to discuss going up on my dose of Clomid. The appointment went much better than I expected. My doctor was thrilled that I was ovulating on my own and that I have lost weight. We will be doubling my dose of Clomid this month. Before ovulation I will go in for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing. If they are looking good on 100mg we will stay on it for a couple more cycles. If they aren't maturing like they should I will go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for stronger medications. I asked my doc if having three failed cycles on Clomid meant that my chances of getting pregnant were lower. She said that it didn't mean that at all, it just means that I need a higher dose of Clomid or a stronger medication.

My doctor gave me a referral for an HSG. In an HSG, dye is pushed through the fallopian tubes while x-rays are taken. The purpose is to see if there is a blockage in my Fallopian tubes. It is scheduled for one week from today. My doctor was thrilled that I was able to get the appointment for a week before I ovulate. She said that many couples conceive more easily after an HSG. She said now all we need is some strong follicles. I have hope again. Thank you God.

I also got some great news from my insurance company today. They cover up to $1500 a year in infertility testing and treatment. This means that my HSG should be covered. Thank you God.

The other thing that happened today is that I got my official diagnosis. It is on paper now. I have infertility. It doesn't bother me like I thought it would. It is kind of nice to know for a fact what I am dealing with. Now that I know what the enemy is I can fight it. I am going to fight it with every fiber of my being. I am meant to have a child. I will fight for it.

Monday, August 15, 2011

A Poem For Mothers In Waiting

I found this beautiful poem online and I love it. I had to share it.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

By Kelly Stamps

Saturday, August 13, 2011

On Becoming the Crazy Infertile Lady...

Today marks the end of my third cycle of Clomid 50mg. I am still not pregnant. I have an appointment on Tuesday to start the next step. We will be going up on my dose of Clomid. This will require two trans-vaginal ultrasounds a month to insure that my ovaries aren't being over-stimulated. And yes, that is about as much fun as it sounds like.

I came to the conclusion at the end of this cycle that I am starting to run a very real risk of becoming that crazy infertile lady. You all know the one I'm talking about. Everyone knows at least one bitter, snarky, completely insane infertile woman. I have compiled a list of signs for my husband that will indicate that I need to be committed.

1) I buy one of those really creepy, super-realistic reborn dolls and start pretending that it is real.

2) I start dressing my dogs in clothes and feeding them from bottles in a highchair at the table. The funny part about this one is that my super co-dependent dog Piper would probably LOVE this.

3) I tell complete strangers that I am pregnant just so that I can hear, "Oh my gosh! Congratulations!"

4) I start getting cats. LOTS of cats.

5) I begin resorting to strange "alternative" therapies. Examples: hiring a Native American shaman or any other sort of witch doctor, undergoing magnet/crystal therapies, or go to have my energy realigned.

So, if I start displaying any of these or other equally insane symptoms my dear husband has agreed to have me locked away in a padded room. Now that is true love.

***Update: Alas, I have started doing three of these things. I'm doing a whole body cleanse, I bought my dog a shirt from the children's department of Walmart (but only because I couldn't find her a dog sweater in her size), and I brought home a doll from my childhood just to hold sometimes. Yep, I've lost it.***