Childfree Doesn't Mean You Forget

Hey, everyone!

It has been a while!  I've been living my life, having fun, and enjoying my childfree life.  I thought I had overcome the pain I experienced while I was trying to conceive, then Mother's Day came.

Mother's Day was painful this year.  My grief came back and hasn't gone away since the weeks leading up to Mother's Day.  I suppose the grief had been hiding under the surface for some time and it took a day that solely celebrates having a child to bring it to the surface.  I mean, it doesn't even matter if you're good at the whole "mom" thing, you still get celebrated on that day.  It made me think of what a good mom I'd be to a child.

I'm mad.  I'm mad that I didn't get to choose the childfree life.  It was chosen for me by life.  God, I hate life sometimes.  I'm mad that I'm not "over it."  I'm mad I grew up dreaming of being a mother only to have my dreams thwarted.  I'm mad that I would've made such a good mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I made the right decision for me.  Being childfree is a blast.  I have my dogs, my nights out, my mornings to sleep late, my vacations.  I truly enjoy my childfree life, but that doesn't mean I have stopped mourning what could've been.  I really thought I had moved on, but sometimes moving on doesn't mean forgetting.  Moving on doesn't mean grief doesn't still rear its ugly head sometimes, and that is okay.  I'll keep moving forward and moving on.

Now, for something not sad. Here is a picture of me and my husband in St. Thomas:

And the beach in Grand Turk:

Now THAT is childfree living!

Where I've Been

I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've had a lot going on. Let me catch you up.

On October 1st I was admitted to the hospital to have my gallbladder removed after about four days of very severe pain. I had the surgery on October 2nd and was sent home the same day even though my pain was still very severe. I went back to into the hospital on October 5th because I had a bile duct leak from the gallbladder surgery. I had a procedure called an ERCP on October 6th to place a stent in my stomach so that the bile could drain. This was supposed to take care of the pain that I was in. It didn't. I woke up from the procedure in even more pain. I was sent home hours after the procedure even though I was in horrible pain and had a fever.

The next night, my husband drove me up to another hospital's ER with a very high fever and pain. I was admitted after a CT scan that showed what the ER doctor thought was a Crohn's flare. Thankfully it wasn't Crohn's. It was a post-op infection. I was treated for the infection by a really good group of doctors at that hospital and was sent home. I was still in pain, but it wasn't as bad.

After five weeks I was still in pain. It had actually gotten so severe that we went back to the ER but they couldn't figure out what was causing the pain to be so much worse. My new doctor did another ERCP on November 10th and removed the stent that had been placed. He also cleaned out sludge that was left around the stent and cut a muscle in my stomach that had been contracting and causing that really severe pain. I woke up in significantly less pain but I was kept overnight at the hospital anyway.

Since then I have been slowly getting better. My pain is minimal now, but I am still having a lot of problems eating. I'm having a CT scan next week to check my small intestines for any sign of active Crohn's disease. If it isn't Crohn's it is probably just my stomach getting use to not having a gallbladder anymore. I've lost 15 pounds since this whole nightmare started.

I'm finally able to work again, drive again and sit up for more than 30 minutes without wanting to cry in pain. I should be happy that I am so much better now, and I am. But I'm mad. I was supposed to have my first round of IVF in November. I very well could have been pregnant right now. Now we have a deductible to pay and no clue of when I'm going to be healthy enough or when we are going to have the money to proceed with treatment. I'm so mad. This didn't have to happen. If the first surgery had been done carefully I would probably be fine right now. I'm the kind of mad that makes me want to punch things and smash glass things to pieces.

I try to keep it together during the day but I have times that I just break out in tears from anger at all of this. November marked our second year of trying to get pregnant and now I'm going to spend another Christmas with no hope in sight of being a mom.

I'm tired and angry. I hate infertility. I hate the guy who removed my gallbladder. I want to smash things.

That is all I've got for today.

The Battle That Never Ends

I don't want to write this post. It makes me sad. But I haven't written much in a while, so I figure I have to write something.

We are going to have to put off our IVF cycle for a couple of months. While we have had some wonderful people step up help us, we still don't have all the funds and we do not want to go into debt for this. Going into debt for it wouldn't be fair to any child that results from it, in our opinion. 

For those of you that don't know, I've started my own business and it has been harder than I thought it would be to find clients. I have much less money coming in from my job than I expected at this point, which also makes me sad. I know it takes time, but I feel like a failure.

We are really hoping that we won't have to wait past November to start IVF.

In the mean time we are trying one last cycle of clomid. So you can imagine what a joy I have been to be around. I really didn't have many side effects with my first five rounds. This one has been very different. I don't sleep well. When I do sleep I have the most horrible nightmares. My nerves are shattered and just about everything is making me irritable.

Infertile Confession: Today at the grocery store I parked in the expectant mother's parking spot and in my mind I was just daring anyone to say I didn't look pregnant. My response would've gone something like this, "It says expectant mother's, right? Well guess what!? I'm infertile and I've been expecting a baby for two years!"

So yeah, I'm a joy to be around at the moment. Haha... Oh, it's sad but it is so true! 

And on top of all of that I have had about fifty other VERY stressful things happen in the past three weeks. 

I'm so tired of this fight. I need a break, but there is no break in sight. Unfortunately, there are no breaks from the pain of wanting something with every fiber of your being, yet having to fight like hell to try to get it. You just have to keep fighting.

Faith and Infertility - Part One

I have not been super vocal on my blog about my faith for a reason. I want people of all beliefs to be able to read it and relate to it. Today I am going to do something a bit different. I'm going to write about faith and infertility.

I am a Christian, but I hope that most of what I am writing can be encouraging to anyone. Everything I am writing is based on my own personal journey. I do not claim that anything I say is the indisputable word of God or anything like that. 

This is the first part of a three part series. This post is focused on the emotions that accompany infertility. The next will explore the question, "Why?" In the final post of the series I will talk about my own spiritual journey through infertility

I was really hesitant to write a post about my faith. Mainly, because I have questioned so much through my infertility journey. I felt like that made me a 'bad' Christian or thought that God would be angry with me. Quite the opposite is true. John the Baptist doubted. He baptized Jesus and he still doubted. Jesus did not get angry when he questioned him. He calmly reassured him.

When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?" Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me." (Matthew 11:2-6 NIV)

What about anger and bitterness? Are those feelings sinful? Let's look at Hannah. She was infertile. She wept bitterly begging God to give her a child. God did not chastise her for this. He gave her the son that she prayed for.

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. (1 Samuel 1:10 NIV)
Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. (1 Samuel 1:19 NIV)

Anger? Look at Mary, the sister of Lazarus. When Lazarus died she ran to Jesus saying, "If you had been here this wouldn't have happened!" Call me crazy, but I very much doubt that she said this calmly. She probably yelled and maybe even screamed it in her grief. Jesus did not chastise her for this, He was deeply troubled by her sadness and He wept.

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. (John 11:32-35 NIV)

Anger, doubt, and bitterness. God takes pity on all of it. He also offers comfort.

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more. (Psalm 71:20, 21 NIV)

More to come...

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