Childfree Doesn't Mean You Forget

Hey, everyone!

It has been a while!  I've been living my life, having fun, and enjoying my childfree life.  I thought I had overcome the pain I experienced while I was trying to conceive, then Mother's Day came.

Mother's Day was painful this year.  My grief came back and hasn't gone away since the weeks leading up to Mother's Day.  I suppose the grief had been hiding under the surface for some time and it took a day that solely celebrates having a child to bring it to the surface.  I mean, it doesn't even matter if you're good at the whole "mom" thing, you still get celebrated on that day.  It made me think of what a good mom I'd be to a child.

I'm mad.  I'm mad that I didn't get to choose the childfree life.  It was chosen for me by life.  God, I hate life sometimes.  I'm mad that I'm not "over it."  I'm mad I grew up dreaming of being a mother only to have my dreams thwarted.  I'm mad that I would've made such a good mom.

Don't get me wrong, I still think I made the right decision for me.  Being childfree is a blast.  I have my dogs, my nights out, my mornings to sleep late, my vacations.  I truly enjoy my childfree life, but that doesn't mean I have stopped mourning what could've been.  I really thought I had moved on, but sometimes moving on doesn't mean forgetting.  Moving on doesn't mean grief doesn't still rear its ugly head sometimes, and that is okay.  I'll keep moving forward and moving on.

Now, for something not sad. Here is a picture of me and my husband in St. Thomas:

And the beach in Grand Turk:

Now THAT is childfree living!

An Answer? Now!?

I haven't updated my blog in forever, and I am sorry for that. I've been dealing with some neurological problems. I've had multiple MRI scans and an EEG and hopefully we will have some answers soon. One thing I have learned is that my pituitary gland is small for a person my age. 
According to the Mayo Clinic*, "In PCOS, complex changes occur in the hypothalamus, pituitary gland and ovaries, resulting in a hormone imbalance, which affects ovulation."
We may have discovered a reason I couldn't get pregnant. I will be seeing a doctor who can test my hormone levels and help me get any abnormalities straightened out.
While my husband and I are not planning on trying again for a child anytime soon (if ever), it would be nice to have a more concrete answer of why our treatments failed. It would also be nice to be given a choice. I'd like my husband and I to be able to fully make the decision to live childfree, or have the opportunity to change our minds in 5 years if we choose.
What I do ask from you right now is your thoughts, prayers, good vibes, whatever positive energy you can our way. Due to the neurological difficulties I've been experiencing have been hard on me. I'm not used to feeling "stupid" but I do right now. I have difficulty finding the words I want to use, holding my train of thought is difficult, my memory is bad. I even have trouble driving. It has been hard on both me and my husband. He is scared for me, obviously, and I'm a little scared too.
I hope you are all doing well!
*Source: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/female-infertility/basics/causes/con-20033618

What Child Free Means to Me

I wrote a blog post for We're {Not} Having A Baby earlier this week. That is a child free website. The people who run it, Lance and Amy, are fantastic and supportive people. You can read my post here.

I got some VERY negative comments on that post from some members of the child free community. Some were downright nasty and cruel. It was so bad that Lance and Amy wrote this follow-up post. Their follow-up post was wonderful. I think it raises some great points.

I would like to thank all of the people who commented who were kind and those who disagreed with me in a civil manner.

I got a really sweet message from my hardcore child free sister-in-law after she read the post. She said something that I absolutely love -

"I tend to think of being child free as living life for me, not for my progeny. It means making yourself a Limited Edition Model vs. an assembly line item." 

This is the best definition I've ever seen of what child free living is. And this is exactly what I am doing - living my life for me and for my husband. To me, child free doesn't mean you hate kids. It doesn't mean that you think "breeders" are awful. It doesn't mean that you never, ever, ever wanted to have children. To me, child free means that you are choosing to live an amazing life without children.

It's funny, since we decided to stop fertility treatments I have started really appreciating my childless life. I have a job that I absolutely love and I work hours that wouldn't work if I had a kid. My husband and I are planning trips to go on because we love to travel. (Soon we are going to Niagara Falls!) Travel is just not as fun with littles in tow. 

Right now I honestly don't want to be pregnant. I don't want a child. (I never thought I would utter those words!) That could change in five years, I don't know. I'm leaving my options open because I find it confining and overwhelming to lock myself into a permanent decision right now. I'm only 26 for heavens sake. But for now I am so happy with the family that I have.

Writing that post and reading the responses did teach me something. I do not need the approval of anyone when it comes to how I self-identify. Right now I self-identify as child free. I am not childless or child preferred. Childless implies that I am missing something - I'm not. Child preferred implies that I want to have a baby right now - I don't.

I made a choice and I am happy with it. I am living a life that makes me happy. No negativity can take that away from me.

A Little Fall Of Rain

I wrote this post in December describing my love of the musical Les Miserables and telling how it has related to my journey through infertility. My husband and I are watching it again tonight in the coziness of our home which means that we get to sing along (I was so bummed I couldn't belt out the lyrics in the movie theater).

This movie still means so much to me now that we've decided to live childfree. In my original post I said that if I ever had a daughter I wanted to name her Eponine because out of the rain of this hard time in our life something beautiful would grow - our child.

Well, we now know that a child will not be the flower that comes from this pain. But that doesn't mean that nothing beautiful can come from it. When I hear 'A Little Fall of Rain' now I think of my husband and I clinging to one another, me barely holding on, saying that a little rain can hardly hurt me after all we've gone through. He is comforting me giving me strength to hold on. I see great beauty in this. It is a beautiful love story - Two people clinging to each other during a storm and a war.

Rain still makes flowers grow, even if they were different flowers from what we expected. And they are beautiful.

"A Little Fall of Rain"

[EPONINE]
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

[MARIUS]
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

[EPONINE]
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

[MARIUS]
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

[EPONINE]
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

[MARIUS]
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
I'm here

I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping

[EPONINE]
And rain...

[MARIUS]
And rain... 

[EPONINE]
Will make the flowers...

[MARIUS]
Will make the flowers... grow... 

It Isn't Easy

Since I revealed that we have stopped trying to get pregnant I have gotten some wonderful support and feedback. I really appreciate all of the love and support that I have received. One of the comments I keep getting is people telling me that I'm brave. This one baffles me. I certainly do not feel brave right now.

I am trying to accept that I will most likely never have children. This isn't easy. It hurts. I am dealing with such a wide range of emotions.

The things that bothered me while we were going through treatments seem even harder now. Pregnancy announcements hurt so much. My heart actually aches when I see one. Hearing people talk about their kids nonstop feels very isolating. I cannot relate to them. I never will be able to. That is a very lonely feeling. Not fitting in with the mommy crowd makes me feel like less of a woman. Knowing I'll never fit in with them in terrifying. I don't want to feel this lonely forever.

I live in a smallish, conservative community in the south. There are not many women around here that don't have kids or at least plan on having them. I spent my entire life just knowing that I would be a mother. Yet here I am. And where I am right now feels very weird and foreign. I have no clue how to navigate my future. I'm just kind of winging it. And I'm doing it without many other women around me that have been where I am. I'm scared.

I am dealing with a major crisis of faith right now too. I don't want to go into detail because I'd probably just come off sounding like a heretic to some people but trust me, I'm really confused about everything I've ever believed about God right now.

I keep telling myself that it will get easier. It has to get easier. I just wish the easy part would hurry up and get here.

Barrenness Has Its Perks

Every night my husband and I talk about the many benefits of not having children. At first I could only think of the negatives but I’ve really gotten into this nightly game of ours. I thought I’d share some of our musings with you all.

We get to use as much foul language as we want in our house (and trust me, we use a lot of it). The dogs certainly aren’t going to go repeat anything we say to their grandma and grandpa.

We get to watch Dexter, The Walking Dead and American Horror Story without worrying about emotionally scarring someone for life.

I won’t need a boob-lift. Seriously, breast feeding does all kinds of horrible to your boobs. Mine will remain firm and perky for quite some time.

We can go on vacations that we will actually enjoy. No Disney Land for us! We can stay at those couples-only resorts and drink as many adult beverages as we want to.

Piper and Kabuki won’t have to compete with a small human for our attention. It would have been a very hard adjustment for them. We are pretty sure that they think they are human children.

The only cartoons in this house are South Park and Bob’s Burgers. Dora the Explorer will never be singing her annoying songs on our television.

The liquor cabinet will never require a lock.

We get to sleep in on the weekends. And naps. We get to take naps whenever we feel like it.

We will get to spend our money on things that are actually fun instead of paying for diapers and private schools.

It’s all about the silver linings. #Winning

Dreaming a New Dream

Image courtesy of http://gateway-women.com

Once again I have to apologize for my absence on my blog. I have been VERY busy. I got a new job! I really like it and I am excited to be working outside of the home.

A lot has happened in infertility-land since I last blogged. My husband and I have come to yet another decision. We are not doing an IVF cycle this year. We are officially on hiatus from trying to get pregnant. We are going to re-evaluate how we feel and what we want to do in Spring of 2014. There is a very real possibility that we will decide not to pursue IVF. We will also not be pursuing adoption at this time (possibly never). Right now I am considering us childfree.

After nearly three years of hell I finally feel free. I feel like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders. My husband does too. Infertility has taken a major toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I see many women in the infertility community that go through treatments for years or who are going through the adoption process and they are still able find joy in their lives. I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve been stuck and massively unhappy. Please understand that this is the perspective I am coming from. I am still 100% supportive of those of you that are continuing your path to parenthood. It just became less of a path for me and more of a mud-bog of misery that I have been stuck in.

All that said, I am excited about the future now because my future isn't being held hostage by something that may never happen. I now feel like I have some control over my future.

My husband and I are learning to dream new dreams and we are working towards new adventures. We want to travel. We want to go on a cruise and to Las Vegas. I want to build a career. We want to do some home renovations. You know that room that was set aside to be a nursery? That is now my room to do whatever I want with.

We may decide in the Spring or even in a few years that we want to try again. Right now we are living our lives and learning to be happy again.

I hope you stay with me as I continue to blog. While I may not be trying to conceive right now I do know that struggle, the pain is still there and I will always fight like hell for the rights of every person to build their family. I will also be blogging from the ‘childfree after infertility’ perspective for the time being. I think this is an underrepresented group in the infertility community.

I still have a lot of emotions to work through. Some days are hard (for example, hearing about the royal baby non-stop for days has been really hard) and some days are great. I don’t expect to be 100% okay with not having kids anytime soon. I know it will take some time. I still cannot stand hearing about pregnancies or babies. If anything, knowing that I’ll probably never have those things makes hearing about them even more grating. Hopefully I will eventually get to a point where being around children and hearing about pregnancies won’t make me want to gag.

I realize that many people will think that I have simply “given up.” But you know what? It took more strength, tears and bravery than I can adequately express to come to the decision that we have.

I have not given up. I have chosen to live again.