I have not been super vocal on my blog about my faith for a reason. I want people of all beliefs to be able to read it and relate to it. Today I am going to do something a bit different. I'm going to write about faith and infertility.
I am a Christian, but I hope that most of what I am writing can be encouraging to anyone. Everything I am writing is based on my own personal journey. I do not claim that anything I say is the indisputable word of God or anything like that.
This is the first part of a three part series. This post is focused on the emotions that accompany infertility. The next will explore the question, "Why?" In the final post of the series I will talk about my own spiritual journey through infertility
I was really hesitant to write a post about my faith. Mainly, because I have questioned so much through my infertility journey. I felt like that made me a 'bad' Christian or thought that God would be angry with me. Quite the opposite is true. John the Baptist doubted. He baptized Jesus and he still doubted. Jesus did not get angry when he questioned him. He calmly reassured him.
When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?" Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me." (Matthew 11:2-6 NIV)
What about anger and bitterness? Are those feelings sinful? Let's look at Hannah. She was infertile. She wept bitterly begging God to give her a child. God did not chastise her for this. He gave her the son that she prayed for.
In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. (1 Samuel 1:10 NIV)
Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. (1 Samuel 1:19 NIV)
Anger? Look at Mary, the sister of Lazarus. When Lazarus died she ran to Jesus saying, "If you had been here this wouldn't have happened!" Call me crazy, but I very much doubt that she said this calmly. She probably yelled and maybe even screamed it in her grief. Jesus did not chastise her for this, He was deeply troubled by her sadness and He wept.
When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. (John 11:32-35 NIV)
Anger, doubt, and bitterness. God takes pity on all of it. He also offers comfort.
Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more. (Psalm 71:20, 21 NIV)
More to come...
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Sunday, January 1, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Anniversary, New Year, and Hope.
Happy New Year! Well, it is still New Year's Eve here...
May this year bring great things. It has been a hard year for me and I can't say that I'm sad to see 2011 go. My hope and prayer this year for all of you (and for me) is that we get the desires of our heart and that all misery is washed away. High hopes, I know. But aren't infertile women the best at having impossible amounts of hope? A lot of people are spending today reflecting on 2011. I'd rather not. I'm looking to the future.
Three days ago my husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. I have to say, I think it was the best anniversary so far. Regardless of how bad things seem I know that I can always count on my husband. I know that through it all he is standing right beside me, and I am doing the same for him. Even in the midst of heartache and disappointment we never fail to goof-off like teenagers, laugh until one of us starts crying (me), and then reassure each other that everything is going to be okay because we have each other. I wish that everyone was lucky enough to have a marriage like ours. I don't know what I would do without him.
Oh yeah! I also had an ultrasound on my anniversary. Romantic right? I have one good follicle on my right ovary and a smaller one of my left. My doctor said I can do three more rounds of Clomid since I am on such a low dose. Of course, my hope for this month has returned. It always does. Having those hopes dashed is the hard part. But there is always that tiny, quiet little voice inside me that says maybe my hope won't be dashed this time. A girl can hope, right?
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May this year bring great things. It has been a hard year for me and I can't say that I'm sad to see 2011 go. My hope and prayer this year for all of you (and for me) is that we get the desires of our heart and that all misery is washed away. High hopes, I know. But aren't infertile women the best at having impossible amounts of hope? A lot of people are spending today reflecting on 2011. I'd rather not. I'm looking to the future.
Three days ago my husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. I have to say, I think it was the best anniversary so far. Regardless of how bad things seem I know that I can always count on my husband. I know that through it all he is standing right beside me, and I am doing the same for him. Even in the midst of heartache and disappointment we never fail to goof-off like teenagers, laugh until one of us starts crying (me), and then reassure each other that everything is going to be okay because we have each other. I wish that everyone was lucky enough to have a marriage like ours. I don't know what I would do without him.
Oh yeah! I also had an ultrasound on my anniversary. Romantic right? I have one good follicle on my right ovary and a smaller one of my left. My doctor said I can do three more rounds of Clomid since I am on such a low dose. Of course, my hope for this month has returned. It always does. Having those hopes dashed is the hard part. But there is always that tiny, quiet little voice inside me that says maybe my hope won't be dashed this time. A girl can hope, right?
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Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas - Yes, I know I'm a bit behind...
Christmas. It is a hard time of year for most infertiles. It really is a baby-centric holiday. It's all about a baby being born. Now granted, that baby is our savior, but I still get jealous of the Virgin Mary. Even in my jealousy, I am happy that our savior was born and extremely thankful that he died for our sins.
Christmas had it's high and low points for me this year.
I did pretty well during all of the Christmas celebrations. There was no crying! I did make one comment that I found hilarious at a family get-together but it probably came off as bitter. We were all meeting at a restaurant and the waiter brought a highchair to the end of the table that I was on. Everyone kept asking who it was for and I answered, “It's for my hopes and dreams.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence I laughed and then everyone else did too. You either have to laugh or cry about the hard stuff in life. I'd rather laugh.
My wonderful husband bought me a necklace from Tiffany that has 'love' engraved on it. It is beautiful. He said it is my Christmas/Anniversary/I'm sorry this year was so tough gift. He is so sweet. It meant so much to me for him acknowledge how hard this year has been on both of us.
My fur babies, Kabuki and Piper LOVED their Christmas. We spent all of the money that we would have spent on a child's Christmas presents on them. There are now toys strewn throughout my house.
Now for the hard side of this Christmas. A week before Christmas I started my period. I actually ovulated without medication last month. I was so thrilled. I thought that it must be a sign that we were going to get our miracle right there at Christmas. Obviously, that did not happen. I was more crushed than I had been any other cycle. I was angry, frustrated, sad, but mostly tired. I was tired of all the months of disappointment. Hope is a necessity in life, but it can cause massive amounts of pain and disappointment when hopes go unfulfilled. Through navigating this land of infertility I have developed depression. I have finally decided to seek help for it. I've seen a doctor and I'm in therapy. I need to find that woman that I used to be and get her back. That woman had so much optimism, confidence, and she had so many dreams. I miss her. Now that I have taken that first step to seek help I can confidently say that I am getting there.
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Christmas had it's high and low points for me this year.
I did pretty well during all of the Christmas celebrations. There was no crying! I did make one comment that I found hilarious at a family get-together but it probably came off as bitter. We were all meeting at a restaurant and the waiter brought a highchair to the end of the table that I was on. Everyone kept asking who it was for and I answered, “It's for my hopes and dreams.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence I laughed and then everyone else did too. You either have to laugh or cry about the hard stuff in life. I'd rather laugh.
My wonderful husband bought me a necklace from Tiffany that has 'love' engraved on it. It is beautiful. He said it is my Christmas/Anniversary/I'm sorry this year was so tough gift. He is so sweet. It meant so much to me for him acknowledge how hard this year has been on both of us.
My fur babies, Kabuki and Piper LOVED their Christmas. We spent all of the money that we would have spent on a child's Christmas presents on them. There are now toys strewn throughout my house.
Now for the hard side of this Christmas. A week before Christmas I started my period. I actually ovulated without medication last month. I was so thrilled. I thought that it must be a sign that we were going to get our miracle right there at Christmas. Obviously, that did not happen. I was more crushed than I had been any other cycle. I was angry, frustrated, sad, but mostly tired. I was tired of all the months of disappointment. Hope is a necessity in life, but it can cause massive amounts of pain and disappointment when hopes go unfulfilled. Through navigating this land of infertility I have developed depression. I have finally decided to seek help for it. I've seen a doctor and I'm in therapy. I need to find that woman that I used to be and get her back. That woman had so much optimism, confidence, and she had so many dreams. I miss her. Now that I have taken that first step to seek help I can confidently say that I am getting there.
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Friday, December 16, 2011
My Frusteration With The Lack Of Puppy-Related Christmas Songs
I love the song 'Grown-Up Christmas List' by Amy Grant. I really love the Kelly Clarkson cover! The problem is that I frequently find myself re-writing the lyrics of my favorite songs to make them more relevant to my dogs. Yeah. I know that is really weird. I did this with 'Grown-Up Christmas List' and it turned out so well that I feel the need to share it with all of you.
Puppy Christmas List (To the tune of Amy Grant's 'Grown-Up Christmas List.')
Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With puppy-hood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm still a dog
And my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My puppy christmas list
Not for myself
But for the dogs in need
No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list
As pup-lets we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something fuzzy
Underneath our tree
Well heaven surely knows
That Snausages and bones
Can never heal
A hurting canine soul
No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(There'd be)
No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear but farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end, oh
This is my puppy christmas list
This is my puppy christmas list
So there. Now you all know just how insane I truly am. Just in case you had any doubts before :-)
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Puppy Christmas List (To the tune of Amy Grant's 'Grown-Up Christmas List.')
Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With puppy-hood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm still a dog
And my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My puppy christmas list
Not for myself
But for the dogs in need
No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list
As pup-lets we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something fuzzy
Underneath our tree
Well heaven surely knows
That Snausages and bones
Can never heal
A hurting canine soul
No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(There'd be)
No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear but farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end, oh
This is my puppy christmas list
This is my puppy christmas list
So there. Now you all know just how insane I truly am. Just in case you had any doubts before :-)
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Adventures In Alternative Medicine
I decided to try a whole body cleanse after talking to someone I know who struggled with infertility for years and became pregnant twice after doing a Tiao He cleanse. I figured that it certainly couldn't hurt to try. I went to a local herb store yesterday and was helped by a kinesiologist in picking out the best cleanse for my body.
Those of you who know me well are going to laugh at this next bit. To 'test' which product would be best for me she held each product against my chest and had me stick my left arm out. She pushed lightly of various parts of my arm and gauged my physical reaction to each product to decide which one was right for me. I actually managed to get through all of this without laughing hysterically. The lady was just so sweet and helpful that I didn't have it in me to poke fun of her chosen profession.
I ended up going with a whole body acai berry and super fruit cleanse. It contains several types of non-irritating, natural fiber. It also contains tons of antioxidant fruit extracts and probiotics. It is supposed to cleanse all of the major bodily systems. After the hell that my body has been through over the past year I figure that it certainly isn't a bad idea to try and purify it.
I have never been a very strong believer in alternative medicine. I mean, I do think there is value in certain natural products. For example, ginger is great for nausea; cinnamon is good for controlling blood sugar; and melatonin works wonders for some types of insomnia. However, when it comes to things like reading the energy in the body, acupuncture, and a general mind-body approach to health I have never been much of a believer. Infertility is now spurring me to try something that I NEVER would have considered in the past.
Who knows? If this works or even just makes me feel better I may turn into a Birkenstock-wearing, guided meditation doing, all natural hippy. Hahaha! Ok, so that will probably never happen. I might change my mind about what I once considered to be 'kooky' alternative treatments though. You never know...
I'll be sure to let all of you know how it works for me!
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Those of you who know me well are going to laugh at this next bit. To 'test' which product would be best for me she held each product against my chest and had me stick my left arm out. She pushed lightly of various parts of my arm and gauged my physical reaction to each product to decide which one was right for me. I actually managed to get through all of this without laughing hysterically. The lady was just so sweet and helpful that I didn't have it in me to poke fun of her chosen profession.
I ended up going with a whole body acai berry and super fruit cleanse. It contains several types of non-irritating, natural fiber. It also contains tons of antioxidant fruit extracts and probiotics. It is supposed to cleanse all of the major bodily systems. After the hell that my body has been through over the past year I figure that it certainly isn't a bad idea to try and purify it.
I have never been a very strong believer in alternative medicine. I mean, I do think there is value in certain natural products. For example, ginger is great for nausea; cinnamon is good for controlling blood sugar; and melatonin works wonders for some types of insomnia. However, when it comes to things like reading the energy in the body, acupuncture, and a general mind-body approach to health I have never been much of a believer. Infertility is now spurring me to try something that I NEVER would have considered in the past.
Who knows? If this works or even just makes me feel better I may turn into a Birkenstock-wearing, guided meditation doing, all natural hippy. Hahaha! Ok, so that will probably never happen. I might change my mind about what I once considered to be 'kooky' alternative treatments though. You never know...
I'll be sure to let all of you know how it works for me!
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Wednesday, November 16, 2011
November Update
Hey Internet! Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. Honestly there just hasn't been that much to tell. This is my November update. I hate update posts. They are rarely anything but depressing. But alas, I am posting one.
We are on the last two months of a three month break from trying to get pregnant. We decided to take a break so that I could focus on losing weight. My doctor put me on phentermine. I lost ten pounds on it my first month! That makes my total weight loss for this year thirty pounds! I have started month number two of phentermine and am hoping for the same or even better results. I then have to wait another month to start trying to get pregnant again to make sure that the phentermine is completely out of my system.
So I am in limbo once again. It is a frustrating place to be. We are going to make an appointment in the new year with a new RE. Until then we don't really know what all of our options are or what kind of treatments we are looking at in the future. As a control freak, this is completely stressing me out. I've spent the past month trying to prepare myself to hear that IVF is our only option. The hubs keeps reminding me that right now we have no reason to think that IVF will be our next step. I still can't shake the fear that our only option is going to be a treatment that seems so unattainable right now.
All in all, I think the break is good for us. I was starting to really lose my mind from all of the hormones, appointments, and months of dashed hopes. As all of my infertile friends know, Thanksgiving and Christmas are extremely hard. It hurts to see the happy families celebrating together and the kids ripping open their presents when the whole time I am wondering why I can't have that joy. I need to be in the best frame of mind possible during the holidays, so we picked the best time to take a break.
That is pretty much it for now. I promise to try to post more often and to do more humorous posts. These serious update posts are really bringing me down. Maybe my next post can be All The Reasons That I Hate Michelle Duggar's Uterus. Thoughts?
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We are on the last two months of a three month break from trying to get pregnant. We decided to take a break so that I could focus on losing weight. My doctor put me on phentermine. I lost ten pounds on it my first month! That makes my total weight loss for this year thirty pounds! I have started month number two of phentermine and am hoping for the same or even better results. I then have to wait another month to start trying to get pregnant again to make sure that the phentermine is completely out of my system.
So I am in limbo once again. It is a frustrating place to be. We are going to make an appointment in the new year with a new RE. Until then we don't really know what all of our options are or what kind of treatments we are looking at in the future. As a control freak, this is completely stressing me out. I've spent the past month trying to prepare myself to hear that IVF is our only option. The hubs keeps reminding me that right now we have no reason to think that IVF will be our next step. I still can't shake the fear that our only option is going to be a treatment that seems so unattainable right now.
All in all, I think the break is good for us. I was starting to really lose my mind from all of the hormones, appointments, and months of dashed hopes. As all of my infertile friends know, Thanksgiving and Christmas are extremely hard. It hurts to see the happy families celebrating together and the kids ripping open their presents when the whole time I am wondering why I can't have that joy. I need to be in the best frame of mind possible during the holidays, so we picked the best time to take a break.
That is pretty much it for now. I promise to try to post more often and to do more humorous posts. These serious update posts are really bringing me down. Maybe my next post can be All The Reasons That I Hate Michelle Duggar's Uterus. Thoughts?
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Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Our First Infertility Anniversary
Today marks one year that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. This is a very hard day for me. I really thought one year ago that I would at least be pregnant by now. I never dreamed that I would be looking up the cost of IUI or IVF online or scoping out Reproductive Endocrinologists one year ago. Yet here we are.
I have changed in so many ways over the past year. I have lost a lot of the optimism I once had about life. I miss that part of myself. I miss the hope I once had when dreaming about my future. I've also changed in some positive ways. My husband and I are closer than ever because of the heartache that we have endured and continue to endure together. I also have much more compassion for people who are going through hard times because of what I am experiencing.
Going through any hardship can be incredibly lonely. Most people are only fair-weather friends and they don't really want to stick with you through the muck and the misery. When you have a friend or a family member who stands by you through the hard times you are a very lucky person indeed. People like this are rare, but they are so precious.
One year ago I had no clue that one in eight couples experiences some type of infertility. Now I can think of at least five women that I know personally who are also currently going through this. It makes me incredibly sad that I didn't know about their suffering until I opened up about my own. Infertility is not something that people should feel ashamed about. It is a medical condition. The silence surrounding this medical condition has to be broken. I hope that I can contribute to breaking that silence.
In closing I have a few words for the precious child that I haven't met yet.
We have a room that we already call yours. I don't go in there much because it makes me cry, but I make sure that it stays clean so that it will be ready to decorate when you come. I love you so much and long for you constantly. We really thought you'd be here by now. Please come soon. We'll be waiting.
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I have changed in so many ways over the past year. I have lost a lot of the optimism I once had about life. I miss that part of myself. I miss the hope I once had when dreaming about my future. I've also changed in some positive ways. My husband and I are closer than ever because of the heartache that we have endured and continue to endure together. I also have much more compassion for people who are going through hard times because of what I am experiencing.
Going through any hardship can be incredibly lonely. Most people are only fair-weather friends and they don't really want to stick with you through the muck and the misery. When you have a friend or a family member who stands by you through the hard times you are a very lucky person indeed. People like this are rare, but they are so precious.
One year ago I had no clue that one in eight couples experiences some type of infertility. Now I can think of at least five women that I know personally who are also currently going through this. It makes me incredibly sad that I didn't know about their suffering until I opened up about my own. Infertility is not something that people should feel ashamed about. It is a medical condition. The silence surrounding this medical condition has to be broken. I hope that I can contribute to breaking that silence.
In closing I have a few words for the precious child that I haven't met yet.
We have a room that we already call yours. I don't go in there much because it makes me cry, but I make sure that it stays clean so that it will be ready to decorate when you come. I love you so much and long for you constantly. We really thought you'd be here by now. Please come soon. We'll be waiting.
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