Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Our First Infertility Anniversary

Today marks one year that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. This is a very hard day for me. I really thought one year ago that I would at least be pregnant by now. I never dreamed that I would be looking up the cost of IUI or IVF online or scoping out Reproductive Endocrinologists one year ago. Yet here we are. 

I have changed in so many ways over the past year. I have lost a lot of the optimism I once had about life. I miss that part of myself. I miss the hope I once had when dreaming about my future. I've also changed in some positive ways. My husband and I are closer than ever because of the heartache that we have endured and continue to endure together. I also have much more compassion for people who are going through hard times because of what I am experiencing.

Going through any hardship can be incredibly lonely. Most people are only fair-weather friends and they don't really want to stick with you through the muck and the misery. When you have a friend or a family member who stands by you through the hard times you are a very lucky person indeed. People like this are rare, but they are so precious.

One year ago I had no clue that one in eight couples experiences some type of infertility. Now I can think of at least five women that I know personally who are also currently going through this. It makes me incredibly sad that I didn't know about their suffering until I opened up about my own. Infertility is not something that people should feel ashamed about. It is a medical condition. The silence surrounding this medical condition has to be broken. I hope that I can contribute to breaking that silence.

In closing I have a few words for the precious child that I haven't met yet.

We have a room that we already call yours. I don't go in there much because it makes me cry, but I make sure that it stays clean so that it will be ready to decorate when you come. I love you so much and long for you constantly. We really thought you'd be here by now. Please come soon. We'll be waiting.


  1. I used to not know anyone else either, and now I know several. Good for you for speaking out. Lovely words to your child, and I hope that soon you can tell him or her in person how much they were wanted.

  2. This is my first time commenting but I've been following you since the live twitter chat. We've been trying for over 2.5 years and I honestly hoped to be pregnant with our second child by now. I just wanted to say that I know the feeling and I'm thinking about you today.

    Its been hard to come out about our infertility but I was amazed by the support that came from the least expected places and that I knew so many people who also suffered, but they suffered in silence. I hope that us along with others will come out and give this a voice. :o)

  3. Rachel - I am so sorry your going through this. I can tell you DH and I hit our one year almost 2 months ago and that was a very hard day for me also. I understand your pain. I know your feelings. And after getting not so good news from the Dr today your post hits home more than ever. I know you havent been around CTP lately but just know that we are all praying for you and thinking about you during this time! ((HUGS))

  4. Thank you so much for all of your kind words. Today has been incredibly hard. One of the hardest day of my life actually. I hate that anyone has to experience this.

  5. So sorry that you had to reach the year mark, I am with Ashley and I reached my year mark several months ago. It was and is so hard, every cycle reminds me more of my failure. The girls at CTP do miss you! And I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

  6. Omg! I don't know how I missed this post, I am Soooooo sorry! Saying I was caught up in my own drama here is NOT an excuse, or at least not a very good one. If there is one thing I have learned from being chronically ill all my life or dealing with some of the major hardships that I have had to endure is that no matter how hard or crazy things seem, is that you always have to keep your heat open to others and keep paying attention when someone you care deeply about us also hurting. A lot of times, even if they aren't the same "hurt" you can both be helped by helping each other. Often times helping someone you care for heal also heals some of your hurt too. Helping others reminds us why we are all here. We are here to help each other along in our shared and personal counties journies (please forgive my spelling). It's when we get too tied up in our own personal dilemmas that they suddenly seem too much to bear and we get lost. This is a reminder that we aren't traveling alone and that others want to be there for us even in minor ways. I am Soooooo glad that you and your DH have been drawn closer together by this, that is what is supposed to happen and the beautiful thing is, is that you will keep getting closer together with all the wonderful things life has in store for us and of course there will be some new hardships which you will be ready for but you will grow as a couple and that is something precious!

    Now Rach, I am going to apologize to you for missing this post and not saying anything. For being to wrapped up in my own crap that I let this time pass by without a post, a hug or even a kind word. Knowing how I myself is going to be feeling on April 12th, am appalled that I could let such "anniversary" pass unnoted. All I can do now is beg for your forgiveness and tell you how awful I feel about it. My deepest apologies to you and your DH.

    WHEN your baby comes they will be all that you dreamed and wished for and more! That room you have ready, you will make that perfect for them. You ARE SUPPOSED to be a Mother and it will be a child with your beloved DH. Because if there are any people who I think should be parents it's you guys. You both have so much love to share and you will take your very different family experiences and mold them together to make everything you teach your child so well rounded. This will be my constant hope for you guys, until I get the happy phone call I will be praying that this blessing come to you swiftly, perfectly and healthy to all.

    Love you,

  7. You really shouldn't feel bad :) I completely understand.