Advocacy Day

Today is Resolve's Advocacy Day. It's our advocacy day.

Why does advocacy for the infertility community matter? 

Because there are so many people in our own communities and in Washington that do not know what it is like to only have expensive options like A.R.T. or adoption to build their families.

What are the issues?

• The Family Act is a bill to create a tax credit for the out-of-pocket expenses associated with IVF and fertility preservation for cancer or other diseases. This act died in the 112th Congress and must be re-introduced in the 113th. Read all about the Family Act here. 
• The Women Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act is a bill to improve the reproductive assistance provided by the Department of Veterans Affairs to severely wounded, ill, or injured veterans and their spouses. This bill will provide access to fertility treatment for seriously injured veterans and their spouses, adoption assistance, permanent authority for VA to provide child care, and other elements. Read all about the Women Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act here. 
• A continuing issue - Personhood legislation. Most personhood resolutions and amendments are worded in a way so as to make it sound like they are anti-abortion. That is SO FAR from what they really are. Personhood legislation aims to define every single fertilized human embryo as a living person, regardless of if it is in the human body or not. Personhood legislation, if passed, makes IVF next to impossible. Learn all about personhood legislation, what it is, and what it is not here. 

How can you advocate for the infertility community?

Call or email your senator or representative and ask them to co-sponsor S 131/ H. R. 958 (Women Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvements Act)! Find your senators here. Find your representatives here.

Educate yourself on current and future personhood legislation so that you can make the best decision in the voting booth and so that you can inform others of what this kind of legislation truly is. Keep up-to-date with personhood legislation here.

For more about Advocacy Day, visit this link:

http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=advday_home

Stupid Things Fertiles Say & Why We Should Cut Them Some Slack

I, like almost every other infertile woman in the world, have heard all varieties of stupid comments from people when they find out that I am infertile.

"You just need to relax!"

"All my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant!"

"Just stop trying and it will happen."

"Why don't you just adopt?"

And, like almost every other infertile woman in the world, these comments piss me off and frequently get an equally offensive response. All that said, I have had a revelation over the last week. The people who say those things aren't stupid. The statements themselves aren't stupid. They are just uninformed. Every person that has ever made a comment like the ones above to me really meant well. They were all extremely nice people who never intended to be hurtful. They just didn't know what to say because they have never experienced infertility. I need to cut them some slack.

Let me explain how I came to this personal revelation. About a week ago some of the women that I follow on Twitter were having a conversation about adoption. One of them stated that the term, "giving a child up," is an offensive one. I had no clue. I asked her about it and she explained that it had a negative connotation and made adopted children feel unwanted and unloved by their birth mothers. Adopted children (or their parents) shouldn't be made to feel that way. In my opinion, a woman who places her child for adoption because she knows that she cannot give them the life that they need to thrive is the most loving thing that any woman could ever do. I have said that someone, "gave their child up for adoption," many times in the past. I had NO CLUE that I was saying something that was hurtful because I have never gone through the adoption process. I was uniformed.

Just a few days after that I was talking to a friend who adopted two beautiful children after years of dealing with infertility. We were talking about where my husband and I intended on going from here as far as our treatments go and I said, "I just really feel like I am going to have a child of my own." My friend very nicely informed me that her children were her own. I felt HORRIBLE. I never meant to imply that her children weren't hers. I just didn't think about what I said before I said it. I apologized profusely. She laughed and said it was okay, that she was just trying to change people's vocabulary regarding adoption. She did it with much more grace and understanding than I have with comments regarding my infertility. 

That's when it hit me. I don't know the right things to say to a family going through the adoption process because I have never been through it myself. I am uninformed. I have said offensive things without ever realizing it. People who haven't experienced infertility also don't know the right things to say. They haven't walked in my shoes. How can I expect someone to know the right things to say if they have never been there? I can't because, like me when it comes to adoption, they just don't know. 

Think of all the other situations that you may have said insensitive things without ever knowing it: the death of a loved one, being fired or laid off from a job, receiving a cancer diagnosis, etc. The list could go on and on. This is why we need to cut fertiles some slack. Chances are, you have said something hurtful to someone without ever knowing it too. Let's show people the same understanding that we would want them to show us. That doesn't mean you can't kindly correct them. It just means that you need to keep in mind that at some point you were, "that person," too.

FYI: The blog now has it's own Facebook page! Like me at http://www.facebook.com/RachHasHope

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Faith and Infertility - Part Two

The biggest question that I have asked through infertility has been, "Why me?" Why can a crackhead get pregnant over and over again and I can't? Why do teenagers have babies all the time but not me? Have I done something wrong? Am I not good enough to deserve a child? 

I think all infertile women and men ask themselves these questions. I can't even begin to answer the question, "Why me?" I honestly have no clue. I also do not understand why crackheads and teenagers have babies all the time that they have no means of caring for (and instead of lovingly placing them for adoption they keep them anyway). As for the questions of, "Have I done something wrong?" or, "Am I not good enough to deserve a child?" I have come to some conclusions.

"Have I done something wrong to deserve this?" In my opinion, the Bible says no. Let's look at a couple women from the Bible who struggled with infertility.

Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist. 

Elizabeth was righteous in the sight God and was infertile. Her infertility had nothing to do with her lack of goodness. I venture to guess that maybe her infertility was for a bigger purpose. If Elizabeth and Zechariah had been successful in conceiving earlier in life maybe they would never have had John the Baptist. John was meant to be born at a very specific time and to a very specific set of parents. John prepared people for the coming of Jesus. He baptized Jesus. Perhaps the pain that Elizabeth suffered all those years of childlessness prepared her to love John in the way that he needed to become the amazing man that he was.

In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly. But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old. (Luke 1:5-7 NIV)

As for the question, "Am I not good enough to deserve a child?" let's look at Sarah.

Sarah, the mother of Isaac.

Oh, how I love Sarah! She is a prime example that God does not withhold fertility because of the mistakes that we have made. God told Abraham that he would give him a son. Sarah didn't believe that it would come from her so she tried to solve the problem her way. She gave her slave, Hagar, to her husband to conceive a child with her. It worked, and of course created a whole host of issues within the family. Sarah screwed up. Still, God told Abraham that Sarah would bear him a son. This was her response:

So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?" (Genesis 18:12 NIV)

Sarah laughed at God. Still, God blessed her.

Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. (Genesis 21:1, 2 NIV)

Sarah made some mistakes. She didn't trust God, she laughed at him, and she prompted her husband to commit adultery. It didn't matter. God wanted her to have Isaac, and she did. God was gracious to Sarah. He loved her. He loves you too, and His love for you has nothing to do with how 'good' you are.

Now I want to present a Biblical story of adoption. The story of Esther.

Esther, adopted by Mordecai.

Esther (Hadassah)  was an orphan. Her uncle took her as his own daughter. He adopted her.

Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This young woman, who was also known as Esther, had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died. (Esther 2:7 NIV)

Esther was chosen by king Xerxes of Persia to be his queen. Haman was an advisor to the king. The king gave him way too much power. Using the king's seal, he sent out an edict that named a day of the year in which the Jewish people were to be slaughtered and their goods plundered. 

Mordecai learned of this and got news to Esther. He begged Esther to go to king. The problem with this was that if she went before the king without him beckoning her and he was displeased by it she would be executed. She was scared. When Mordecai heard of her fear he said this:

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14 NIV)

Esther went to the king. He was pleased. She invite him and Haman to a banquet. At the banquet she informed King Xerxes of the plot to have her people killed. The king was furious with Haman for issuing this law. He had Haman killed and gave his estate and position to Mordecai. Mordecai sent out an edict informing the Jewish people of what was to happen and giving them permission to assemble, arm, and protect themselves. The Jewish people were saved from genocide. If Mordecai had not adopted Esther the Jewish people might have been ruthlessly slaughtered. Esther was certainly where she was for "such a time as this." She also needed Mordecai, her adoptive father, to help give her the courage to do it

Maybe you have decided that adoption is the right path for you. If so, look closely at the story of Esther. Your child may have been destined to come into your love and care for "such a time as this."

Conclusion

Infertility is not a punishment. You are not infertile because you 'aren't good enough.' Perhaps the child that God has for you needs to be born or adopted at a very specific time so that they an fulfill their God-given destiny. Maybe the painful longing that you feel will give you a love so strong for the child you are given that you will help them become the person that they are meant to be. 

I try my hardest to believe that God is preparing my husband and I to love and treasure our child and give them what they need to become the person that He created them to be. Maybe that is why we are experiencing infertility.

Part Three - My Story, will come soon!

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