I started my third round of Clomid today. I am still very down about last month's failure. I am trying to work through my emotions and put on a happy face, but sometimes all I can do is cry. I am having a hard time getting excited about this cycle because I don't want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed again.
I couldn't get through this without the support of my wonderful husband and that of my family. I feel very blessed to have so many people who care so much about me. My mom, my aunts, my grandmothers, and my sister-in-law have been Godsends for me. They let me cry and get angry when I need to and are nothing but supportive. I love you guys. You are the kind of people that I want in my child's life when it does finally happen for me.
I think about what our child might be like all of the time. I wonder if they will be smart like their dad or if they'll have my green eyes. I think about all of the things that I want to teach them. To love God, to love people, and to have honor. I have begged God so many times for a child and promised that I will do everything in my power to make sure that they grow up to be good adults.
If this struggle has taught me anything it is that life is not fair. My dad told me that all the time when I was a kid but I never listened. I wish that I had. I may never understand why this is happening to us. I am just trying to get through it.
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I can't say I know how hard this particular crisis you have is because I have not experienced it. But I how badly I wanted to be healthy sometimes and the things I missed through childhood and beyond and I remember saying "It's not fair!" then and my parents said the same thing to me. I never thought I would actually get married, that no man would want someone as broken as me. And I watched as most of my friends around me got married and moved on with their lives. Forgotten by every friend, except my 2 very best friends, I finally found Aaron and I to listen to a bunch of people telling me it wouldn't because of our age or how dare I move to the USA and on and on...but 7 years later it is still working. I am thankful every day to have him as my husband and wouldn't know what to do without him. Now I told you that to say this...there was so long that I didn't think it would happen for and as I watched others I felt it wasn't fair and that i was being punished for being sick. Well, I was wrong. It turned out that all I had to do was wait a little bit longer and find it where I wasn't even looking. So I know there is no way I can promise everything will work out perfectly but i think that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. And if you need a shoulder, or to rant or to laugh or whatever in the meantime then you know where I am and how to reach me. You can call my cell at 3am if you need to, I will always be here and i will do whatever I can to help!
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