Anniversary, New Year, and Hope.

Happy New Year! Well, it is still New Year's Eve here...

May this year bring great things. It has been a hard year for me and I can't say that I'm sad to see 2011 go. My hope and prayer this year for all of you (and for me) is that we get the desires of our heart and that all misery is washed away. High hopes, I know. But aren't infertile women the best at having impossible amounts of hope? A lot of people are spending today reflecting on 2011. I'd rather not. I'm looking to the future. 

Three days ago my husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. I have to say, I think it was the best anniversary so far. Regardless of how bad things seem I know that I can always count on my husband. I know that through it all he is standing right beside me, and I am doing the same for him. Even in the midst of heartache and disappointment we never fail to goof-off like teenagers, laugh until one of us starts crying (me), and then reassure each other that everything is going to be okay because we have each other. I wish that everyone was lucky enough to have a marriage like ours. I don't know what I would do without him.

Oh yeah! I also had an ultrasound on my anniversary. Romantic right? I have one good follicle on my right ovary and a smaller one of my left. My doctor said I can do three more rounds of Clomid since I am on such a low dose. Of course, my hope for this month has returned. It always does. Having those hopes dashed is the hard part. But there is always that tiny, quiet little voice inside me that says maybe my hope won't be dashed this time. A girl can hope, right?

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Christmas - Yes, I know I'm a bit behind...

Christmas. It is a hard time of year for most infertiles. It really is a baby-centric holiday. It's all about a baby being born. Now granted, that baby is our savior, but I still get jealous of the Virgin Mary. Even in my jealousy, I am happy that our savior was born and extremely thankful that he died for our sins.

Christmas had it's high and low points for me this year.

I did pretty well during all of the Christmas celebrations. There was no crying! I did make one comment that I found hilarious at a family get-together but it probably came off as bitter. We were all meeting at a restaurant and the waiter brought a highchair to the end of the table that I was on. Everyone kept asking who it was for and I answered, “It's for my hopes and dreams.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence I laughed and then everyone else did too. You either have to laugh or cry about the hard stuff in life. I'd rather laugh.

My wonderful husband bought me a necklace from Tiffany that has 'love' engraved on it. It is beautiful. He said it is my Christmas/Anniversary/I'm sorry this year was so tough gift. He is so sweet. It meant so much to me for him acknowledge how hard this year has been on both of us.

My fur babies, Kabuki and Piper LOVED their Christmas. We spent all of the money that we would have spent on a child's Christmas presents on them. There are now toys strewn throughout my house.

Now for the hard side of this Christmas. A week before Christmas I started my period. I actually ovulated without medication last month. I was so thrilled. I thought that it must be a sign that we were going to get our miracle right there at Christmas. Obviously, that did not happen. I was more crushed than I had been any other cycle. I was angry, frustrated, sad, but mostly tired. I was tired of all the months of disappointment. Hope is a necessity in life, but it can cause massive amounts of pain and disappointment when hopes go unfulfilled. Through navigating this land of infertility I have developed depression. I have finally decided to seek help for it. I've seen a doctor and I'm in therapy. I need to find that woman that I used to be and get her back. That woman had so much optimism, confidence, and she had so many dreams. I miss her. Now that I have taken that first step to seek help I can confidently say that I am getting there.

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My Frusteration With The Lack Of Puppy-Related Christmas Songs

I love the song 'Grown-Up Christmas List' by Amy Grant. I really love the Kelly Clarkson cover! The problem is that I frequently find myself re-writing the lyrics of my favorite songs to make them more relevant to my dogs. Yeah. I know that is really weird. I did this with 'Grown-Up Christmas List' and it turned out so well that I feel the need to share it with all of you.

Puppy Christmas List (To the tune of Amy Grant's 'Grown-Up Christmas List.')

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With puppy-hood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm still a dog
And my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My puppy christmas list
Not for myself
But for the dogs in need

No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list

As pup-lets we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something fuzzy
Underneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows
That Snausages and bones
Can never heal
A hurting canine soul

No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(There'd be)

No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear but farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end, oh
This is my puppy christmas list

This is my puppy christmas list

So there. Now you all know just how insane I truly am. Just in case you had any doubts before :-)

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