Christmas. It is a hard time of year for most infertiles. It really is a baby-centric holiday. It's all about a baby being born. Now granted, that baby is our savior, but I still get jealous of the Virgin Mary. Even in my jealousy, I am happy that our savior was born and extremely thankful that he died for our sins.
Christmas had it's high and low points for me this year.
I did pretty well during all of the Christmas celebrations. There was no crying! I did make one comment that I found hilarious at a family get-together but it probably came off as bitter. We were all meeting at a restaurant and the waiter brought a highchair to the end of the table that I was on. Everyone kept asking who it was for and I answered, “It's for my hopes and dreams.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence I laughed and then everyone else did too. You either have to laugh or cry about the hard stuff in life. I'd rather laugh.
My wonderful husband bought me a necklace from Tiffany that has 'love' engraved on it. It is beautiful. He said it is my Christmas/Anniversary/I'm sorry this year was so tough gift. He is so sweet. It meant so much to me for him acknowledge how hard this year has been on both of us.
My fur babies, Kabuki and Piper LOVED their Christmas. We spent all of the money that we would have spent on a child's Christmas presents on them. There are now toys strewn throughout my house.
Now for the hard side of this Christmas. A week before Christmas I started my period. I actually ovulated without medication last month. I was so thrilled. I thought that it must be a sign that we were going to get our miracle right there at Christmas. Obviously, that did not happen. I was more crushed than I had been any other cycle. I was angry, frustrated, sad, but mostly tired. I was tired of all the months of disappointment. Hope is a necessity in life, but it can cause massive amounts of pain and disappointment when hopes go unfulfilled. Through navigating this land of infertility I have developed depression. I have finally decided to seek help for it. I've seen a doctor and I'm in therapy. I need to find that woman that I used to be and get her back. That woman had so much optimism, confidence, and she had so many dreams. I miss her. Now that I have taken that first step to seek help I can confidently say that I am getting there.
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I think all in all it sounds like you are doing everything you can!
ReplyDeleteHappy 4th Anniversary!
Love,
Sarah
I can relate so very much to this post. I have found myself fighting back tears at every turn this holiday. I thought we would have a Christmas miracle too and when it didn't happen I was crushed. For some reason I just knew it would happen in December. Trying so hard to get positive and keep moving forward but it's starting to feel so overwhelmingly hopeless. We moved into a new house 2 days after Christmas and our new neighbors just had a baby. We were greeted by a "it's a boy" balloon when we moved in. It was kind of like a slap in the face from the universe. Thank you for writing your blog. It truly helps me to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling.
ReplyDeleteAly
Aly, I wish I could give you a big hug right now! It is often the seemingly small things that can hurt us so badly. For you, it was the balloon. For me, it was yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I LOST it and screamed and cried when I saw it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew why we have to go through this. I don't, but I'm glad I can help make it a bit less lonely.