Birthday Hell

My friends, it is coming. Dah, dah, duuuh! Birthday Hell.

What is Birthday Hell, you ask? Well, my mother is the one who coined the phrase. Birthday Hell is the period from about mid-May to the middle of June. In this short, one month period almost all of our family birthdays are celebrated along with Mother's Day, Father's Day and my parents' wedding anniversary.

The only people in my immediate family that do not have birthdays during this time is my husband and my nephew. Me, my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law and my niece ALL have birthdays within this four week period. It is INSANITY. For most families, December is the most expensive month because of Christmas. Not in my family!

We have even taken to just doing one big celebration instead of individual birthday parties, the exception to that rule being my very young niece (She is little. She needs fun birthday parties!). Even with our giant celebration we end up having plans every single weekend during this time because of Mother's and Father's Day.

The big joke in the family is that if anyone has a baby from here on out they need to make sure that their birth does not fall in the middle of Birthday Hell. Funny thing about that? If our IVF cycle in August is successful our baby/babies will be born smack-dab in the middle of the chaos. Hahaha! Just imagine how much fun Birthday Hell will be if we get pregnant with twins!!

So, my dear family. I apologize in advance. Sorry - Well, not really sorry. I'd do anything to make this IVF cycle work and have a baby in the middle of Birthday Hell.

My Frusteration With The Lack Of Puppy-Related Christmas Songs

I love the song 'Grown-Up Christmas List' by Amy Grant. I really love the Kelly Clarkson cover! The problem is that I frequently find myself re-writing the lyrics of my favorite songs to make them more relevant to my dogs. Yeah. I know that is really weird. I did this with 'Grown-Up Christmas List' and it turned out so well that I feel the need to share it with all of you.

Puppy Christmas List (To the tune of Amy Grant's 'Grown-Up Christmas List.')

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With puppy-hood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown-up now
And still need help somehow
I'm still a dog
And my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My puppy christmas list
Not for myself
But for the dogs in need

No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list

As pup-lets we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something fuzzy
Underneath our tree

Well heaven surely knows
That Snausages and bones
Can never heal
A hurting canine soul

No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear our farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end
This is my puppy christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(There'd be)

No more toys torn apart
That fights would never start
And time would clear but farts
And every pup would have a friend
But I would always win
And scrubs would never end, oh
This is my puppy christmas list

This is my puppy christmas list

So there. Now you all know just how insane I truly am. Just in case you had any doubts before :-)

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On Becoming the Crazy Infertile Lady...

Today marks the end of my third cycle of Clomid 50mg. I am still not pregnant. I have an appointment on Tuesday to start the next step. We will be going up on my dose of Clomid. This will require two trans-vaginal ultrasounds a month to insure that my ovaries aren't being over-stimulated. And yes, that is about as much fun as it sounds like.

I came to the conclusion at the end of this cycle that I am starting to run a very real risk of becoming that crazy infertile lady. You all know the one I'm talking about. Everyone knows at least one bitter, snarky, completely insane infertile woman. I have compiled a list of signs for my husband that will indicate that I need to be committed.

1) I buy one of those really creepy, super-realistic reborn dolls and start pretending that it is real.

2) I start dressing my dogs in clothes and feeding them from bottles in a highchair at the table. The funny part about this one is that my super co-dependent dog Piper would probably LOVE this.

3) I tell complete strangers that I am pregnant just so that I can hear, "Oh my gosh! Congratulations!"

4) I start getting cats. LOTS of cats.

5) I begin resorting to strange "alternative" therapies. Examples: hiring a Native American shaman or any other sort of witch doctor, undergoing magnet/crystal therapies, or go to have my energy realigned.

So, if I start displaying any of these or other equally insane symptoms my dear husband has agreed to have me locked away in a padded room. Now that is true love.

***Update: Alas, I have started doing three of these things. I'm doing a whole body cleanse, I bought my dog a shirt from the children's department of Walmart (but only because I couldn't find her a dog sweater in her size), and I brought home a doll from my childhood just to hold sometimes. Yep, I've lost it.***

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You Might Be Reproductively Challenged If...

You might be reproductively challenged if...

1. You know what a transvaginal ultrasound wand is and you have a close relationship with the one at your doctor's office.
2. You have more pregnancy tests than tampons under your bathroom sink.
3. You are jealous of your neighbor's cat because it just had kittens.
4. You seriously research and consider a do-it-yourself artificial insemination because your husband is going to be out of town while you are ovulating. (FYI: Apparently you can't freeze semen in your home freezer. I was seriously bummed out.)
5. You know what the following acronyms mean: AF, BFN, BFP, IUI, DPO, CD, and CM.
6. You not only know what cervical mucous is, you also examine it daily for signs of fertility.
7. You buy a pineapple just so that you can eat the core.
8. You get really excited about horrible symptoms such as: nausea, sore boobs, bleeding gums, and frequent urination.
9. When someone tells you that they are pregnant you automatically think, "I wonder how long they were trying." (And if you find out that it wasn't very long you get kind of mad.)
10. You go completely postal when some asks you a simple question like, "When are you two go to start having kids?"

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