That Cruel One Line

This cycle is a bust. Our last-ditch effort at avoiding IVF didn't work.

That one line on a pregnancy test has to be one of the cruelest sights on the planet. At least, it is for me right now.

I can't even describe what it's like to feel as though you've lost something that was never there to begin with. It's a cruel reality that steals your right to feel grief. How do you grieve something that never was?

How do you keep it together when seemingly everyone around you is getting exactly what you want but cannot have?

How do keep faith that God is really there when you feel like you've been completely overlooked?

How do you come up with all of this money to "buy" a baby when you're a young couple? How many women in their 20s have to pay for what should come naturally?

This post has been really depressing, so I'll end on a joke. Anyone know where I can get $1,000 in the next two months? I've been watching Breaking Bad and it's giving me some ideas ;-)

P.S. The Thirty-One party is still open. It will be closed at midnight tonight. If you don't like purses but still want to contribute, see the donations button in the top right.

The Battle That Never Ends

I don't want to write this post. It makes me sad. But I haven't written much in a while, so I figure I have to write something.

We are going to have to put off our IVF cycle for a couple of months. While we have had some wonderful people step up help us, we still don't have all the funds and we do not want to go into debt for this. Going into debt for it wouldn't be fair to any child that results from it, in our opinion. 

For those of you that don't know, I've started my own business and it has been harder than I thought it would be to find clients. I have much less money coming in from my job than I expected at this point, which also makes me sad. I know it takes time, but I feel like a failure.

We are really hoping that we won't have to wait past November to start IVF.

In the mean time we are trying one last cycle of clomid. So you can imagine what a joy I have been to be around. I really didn't have many side effects with my first five rounds. This one has been very different. I don't sleep well. When I do sleep I have the most horrible nightmares. My nerves are shattered and just about everything is making me irritable.

Infertile Confession: Today at the grocery store I parked in the expectant mother's parking spot and in my mind I was just daring anyone to say I didn't look pregnant. My response would've gone something like this, "It says expectant mother's, right? Well guess what!? I'm infertile and I've been expecting a baby for two years!"

So yeah, I'm a joy to be around at the moment. Haha... Oh, it's sad but it is so true! 

And on top of all of that I have had about fifty other VERY stressful things happen in the past three weeks. 

I'm so tired of this fight. I need a break, but there is no break in sight. Unfortunately, there are no breaks from the pain of wanting something with every fiber of your being, yet having to fight like hell to try to get it. You just have to keep fighting.

Anniversary, New Year, and Hope.

Happy New Year! Well, it is still New Year's Eve here...

May this year bring great things. It has been a hard year for me and I can't say that I'm sad to see 2011 go. My hope and prayer this year for all of you (and for me) is that we get the desires of our heart and that all misery is washed away. High hopes, I know. But aren't infertile women the best at having impossible amounts of hope? A lot of people are spending today reflecting on 2011. I'd rather not. I'm looking to the future. 

Three days ago my husband and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. I have to say, I think it was the best anniversary so far. Regardless of how bad things seem I know that I can always count on my husband. I know that through it all he is standing right beside me, and I am doing the same for him. Even in the midst of heartache and disappointment we never fail to goof-off like teenagers, laugh until one of us starts crying (me), and then reassure each other that everything is going to be okay because we have each other. I wish that everyone was lucky enough to have a marriage like ours. I don't know what I would do without him.

Oh yeah! I also had an ultrasound on my anniversary. Romantic right? I have one good follicle on my right ovary and a smaller one of my left. My doctor said I can do three more rounds of Clomid since I am on such a low dose. Of course, my hope for this month has returned. It always does. Having those hopes dashed is the hard part. But there is always that tiny, quiet little voice inside me that says maybe my hope won't be dashed this time. A girl can hope, right?

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Beautiful Ovary

I had my ultrasound on Tuesday to check on my follicles. I have one really big one and another slight smaller (but still very big) one. I have never seen such beautiful pictures of an ovary before. I wanted to take them home and post them on Facebook so that I could feel like I "fit in" with all of my pregnant friends. I thought that might come off as pretty crazy though, so I decided against it.

My body is responding very well to the 100mg of Clomid, so my doctor wants to do it for two more months if this month doesn't work. I was really happy about that! I am very hopeful for this cycle, but I am trying not to get my hopes up too high. I do finally have some hope again. My husband was so happy a few days ago when he heard me say, "when we get pregnant," instead of, "if we get pregnant."

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Hope Restored

I had an appointment with my doctor today to discuss going up on my dose of Clomid. The appointment went much better than I expected. My doctor was thrilled that I was ovulating on my own and that I have lost weight. We will be doubling my dose of Clomid this month. Before ovulation I will go in for an ultrasound to see how my follicles are doing. If they are looking good on 100mg we will stay on it for a couple more cycles. If they aren't maturing like they should I will go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for stronger medications. I asked my doc if having three failed cycles on Clomid meant that my chances of getting pregnant were lower. She said that it didn't mean that at all, it just means that I need a higher dose of Clomid or a stronger medication.

My doctor gave me a referral for an HSG. In an HSG, dye is pushed through the fallopian tubes while x-rays are taken. The purpose is to see if there is a blockage in my Fallopian tubes. It is scheduled for one week from today. My doctor was thrilled that I was able to get the appointment for a week before I ovulate. She said that many couples conceive more easily after an HSG. She said now all we need is some strong follicles. I have hope again. Thank you God.

I also got some great news from my insurance company today. They cover up to $1500 a year in infertility testing and treatment. This means that my HSG should be covered. Thank you God.

The other thing that happened today is that I got my official diagnosis. It is on paper now. I have infertility. It doesn't bother me like I thought it would. It is kind of nice to know for a fact what I am dealing with. Now that I know what the enemy is I can fight it. I am going to fight it with every fiber of my being. I am meant to have a child. I will fight for it.

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On Becoming the Crazy Infertile Lady...

Today marks the end of my third cycle of Clomid 50mg. I am still not pregnant. I have an appointment on Tuesday to start the next step. We will be going up on my dose of Clomid. This will require two trans-vaginal ultrasounds a month to insure that my ovaries aren't being over-stimulated. And yes, that is about as much fun as it sounds like.

I came to the conclusion at the end of this cycle that I am starting to run a very real risk of becoming that crazy infertile lady. You all know the one I'm talking about. Everyone knows at least one bitter, snarky, completely insane infertile woman. I have compiled a list of signs for my husband that will indicate that I need to be committed.

1) I buy one of those really creepy, super-realistic reborn dolls and start pretending that it is real.

2) I start dressing my dogs in clothes and feeding them from bottles in a highchair at the table. The funny part about this one is that my super co-dependent dog Piper would probably LOVE this.

3) I tell complete strangers that I am pregnant just so that I can hear, "Oh my gosh! Congratulations!"

4) I start getting cats. LOTS of cats.

5) I begin resorting to strange "alternative" therapies. Examples: hiring a Native American shaman or any other sort of witch doctor, undergoing magnet/crystal therapies, or go to have my energy realigned.

So, if I start displaying any of these or other equally insane symptoms my dear husband has agreed to have me locked away in a padded room. Now that is true love.

***Update: Alas, I have started doing three of these things. I'm doing a whole body cleanse, I bought my dog a shirt from the children's department of Walmart (but only because I couldn't find her a dog sweater in her size), and I brought home a doll from my childhood just to hold sometimes. Yep, I've lost it.***

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Another Cycle Begins

I started my third round of Clomid today. I am still very down about last month's failure. I am trying to work through my emotions and put on a happy face, but sometimes all I can do is cry. I am having a hard time getting excited about this cycle because I don't want to get my hopes up just to have them dashed again.

I couldn't get through this without the support of my wonderful husband and that of my family. I feel very blessed to have so many people who care so much about me. My mom, my aunts, my grandmothers, and my sister-in-law have been Godsends for me. They let me cry and get angry when I need to and are nothing but supportive. I love you guys. You are the kind of people that I want in my child's life when it does finally happen for me.

I think about what our child might be like all of the time. I wonder if they will be smart like their dad or if they'll have my green eyes. I think about all of the things that I want to teach them. To love God, to love people, and to have honor. I have begged God so many times for a child and promised that I will do everything in my power to make sure that they grow up to be good adults.

If this struggle has taught me anything it is that life is not fair. My dad told me that all the time when I was a kid but I never listened. I wish that I had. I may never understand why this is happening to us. I am just trying to get through it.


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Fun With Hormones - Round Two

Tomorrow I start my second round of Clomid. My wonderful husband really is a saint to deal with all of the mood swings and the crying. This evening I have tried to look at the experience from his perspective.

This is my husband's thought process when he found me crying in our bedroom a couple of weeks ago:
1) "Why is my wife rocking back and forth with her face in a pillow?"
2) "Perhaps I can say something to encourage her!"
3) "NO, I should definitely not say anything. Mentioning that she might be a bit hormonal was a BIG mistake."
~ONE HOUR LATER~
4) "Now she is Glenda the Good Witch? She's baking now? I don't get it."
~15 MINUTES LATER~
5) "Damn that ASPCA commercial with the Sarah McLachlan song! She is crying again!"

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