Nope, Still Not a Mother(s) Day

I hate Mother's Day with a passion. I love my mom. I appreciate her more than words could ever express. I'm happy for women who are mothers. But I hate this day because of what it represents for me and many women like me - childlessness.

Despite all of the progress that women have made in our society there is still a stigma concerning women who aren't moms. We ARE looked at as less of a woman than a mother. We constantly get comments like:

"You don't know what real love is until you're a mom." 

"You wouldn't understand, you're not a parent." 

"Just wait until you're a mom. You don't know what tired is!" 

These types of comments are demeaning. They imply that our life experiences are less valid just because we don't have children. I have definitely been treated like less of an adult because I'm not a mom. It's like some people think that I can never attain true maturity unless I pop out a baby.

Maybe I'll feel differently about Mother's Day someday. But for now the only part of this day that I look forward to is the card that my husband makes for me from our dogs.

For those who have lost their mother, for those who have crappy moms, for those who have lost children, for those who live childfree and for those still waiting - I am thinking of you today.

Learning to Breathe

Sorry I haven't posted anything new in a while! I have been very busy and very tired.

My health is definitely better than it was, but I'm now trying to get a minor Crohn's flare under control. I'm on a new medicine that should help and won't be harmful to a baby if I get pregnant.

I've been working a lot and trying to focus on getting my health back on track. I have my moments of sadness but, all in all, I'm doing pretty well emotionally.

I'm really proud of the business that I have built. I am finally feeling like I've succeeded at something in my life. Everyone needs to feel like they have succeeded, especially those of us who have trouble doing the one thing we never imagined would be a struggle - having a child. Find what you love and do it. Work hard at it. Trust me, it helps.

I feel like I'm learning how to live a more normal life, like before. As long as we are trying to build our family things won't be completely normal (whatever normal is), but I'm trying not to let the sadness consume me. I feel like I'm learning to breathe again.

I don't have much more to say. So I'll leave you with an adorable picture of my two sweet girls.

Christmas - Yes, I know I'm a bit behind...

Christmas. It is a hard time of year for most infertiles. It really is a baby-centric holiday. It's all about a baby being born. Now granted, that baby is our savior, but I still get jealous of the Virgin Mary. Even in my jealousy, I am happy that our savior was born and extremely thankful that he died for our sins.

Christmas had it's high and low points for me this year.

I did pretty well during all of the Christmas celebrations. There was no crying! I did make one comment that I found hilarious at a family get-together but it probably came off as bitter. We were all meeting at a restaurant and the waiter brought a highchair to the end of the table that I was on. Everyone kept asking who it was for and I answered, “It's for my hopes and dreams.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence I laughed and then everyone else did too. You either have to laugh or cry about the hard stuff in life. I'd rather laugh.

My wonderful husband bought me a necklace from Tiffany that has 'love' engraved on it. It is beautiful. He said it is my Christmas/Anniversary/I'm sorry this year was so tough gift. He is so sweet. It meant so much to me for him acknowledge how hard this year has been on both of us.

My fur babies, Kabuki and Piper LOVED their Christmas. We spent all of the money that we would have spent on a child's Christmas presents on them. There are now toys strewn throughout my house.

Now for the hard side of this Christmas. A week before Christmas I started my period. I actually ovulated without medication last month. I was so thrilled. I thought that it must be a sign that we were going to get our miracle right there at Christmas. Obviously, that did not happen. I was more crushed than I had been any other cycle. I was angry, frustrated, sad, but mostly tired. I was tired of all the months of disappointment. Hope is a necessity in life, but it can cause massive amounts of pain and disappointment when hopes go unfulfilled. Through navigating this land of infertility I have developed depression. I have finally decided to seek help for it. I've seen a doctor and I'm in therapy. I need to find that woman that I used to be and get her back. That woman had so much optimism, confidence, and she had so many dreams. I miss her. Now that I have taken that first step to seek help I can confidently say that I am getting there.

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