Over the past seven years more and more of my strength and power has been chipped away by people and by situations. Crohn's disease took a big chunk out of me. Of course, if you have read this blog at all you know that infertility has taken away a huge amount of my strength, power and self-worth. There have been plenty of other things that have happened in there that have slowly chipped away even more. There is one more thing that has taken a lot away from me that I have been very quiet about.
I once read a quote that says that everything that happens to you is your story to tell. I'm taking back my power on this one event. It happened to me and it is my story to tell.
I am a sexual assault survivor.
On Thanksgiving day in 2005 I was raped by a guy that I went out on a date with.
I will admit it because I am tired of hiding so much: Yes. I went to a hotel with him. Yes. I consented to some of what happened.
I did not consent to everything. He was stronger and I was unable to make him stop. I was called a bitch and held down. When he was done he spat at me, "Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" I have never seen a look of such pure hatred in anyone's eyes as I did in his when he looked at me afterward. I hope to never see that kind of evil again. I don't want to go into anymore detail than that.
Until recently I tried to pretend like the assault never happened. I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I told myself that it was my fault and that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't gone to that hotel with him.
I've recently started to realize just how much the assault affected me. My self-esteem took a nose dive afterward. It still hasn't fully recovered. My self-worth was shattered.
The damage that was done lay dormant for a long time. I was able to ignore it. Infertility has brought it to the surface. Infertility has brought out the same emotions in me that the assault did. I feel worthless, deserving of bad things, and completely out of control of my own body.I am hoping that telling my story will help heal some of these wounds. I honestly don't know how to even begin "dealing" with what happened. I do know that I don't want to have to hide it anymore. I don't want to have to pretend that Thanksgiving day isn't a really hard day for me anymore. I don't want him to have any power over me anymore.
That's all I've got for this post. I have no answers. Just my story.