I Dreamed a Dream

I am super excited about the movie version of Les Miserables that is coming out on Christmas day. My husband and I love Les Miserables. I've always loved it, but now it has a whole new meaning to me. I feel like I can relate to several of the characters, two in particular: Fantine and Eponine.

The song, I Dreamed a Dream, is my song. It is about a woman who dreamed that life would hold nothing but the best for her and then she learns the cruel truth that life will beat you up and leave you broken.

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Who of us going through infertility can't relate to these words? Anyone going through any kind of heartache can relate. Fantine is a character without hope. Her dreams have been killed, her future destroyed. I have days that I feel that way. Sometimes this fight feels so hopeless. Sometimes it feels like this storm simply cannot be weathered.

Then there is Eponine. Eponine is in love with a man who loves someone else. She doesn't give up on her hope that he will one day love her in the way that she loves him. Finally, some of that love is reciprocated...as she dies.

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain

A little fall of rain

Can hardly hurt me now

You're here, that's all I need to know

And you will keep me safe

And you will keep me close

And rain will make the flowers grow.

I can relate to her words as well, even though they are meant for the man she loves. Some days it feels like nothing could possibly hurt me after knowing the intense pain of not having the child that I long for. Holding that child close and keeping them safe is all that I dream of. 

Then there is the line, "And rain will make the flowers grow." Through this hell flowers have grown and I have to believe that more will bloom. I've found myself through this. I'll be a better mother for that. I'll appreciate my child in a way that many parents can't even imagine. I won't take a single breath or heartbeat for granted. But the most beautiful flower that I can see growing out of this horrible storm is my child. Through this pain I will get my precious child. I don't know if I'll give birth to them or if they will be brought to me through adoption, but they will be my treasured child.

This is why my husband and I have decided that if we have a daughter her name will be Eponine (nicknamed Nina to avoid confusion with teachers and some family members). And above her crib will be stenciled the beautiful words that I cling to...

...And rain will make the flowers grow. 

Where I've Been

I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've had a lot going on. Let me catch you up.

On October 1st I was admitted to the hospital to have my gallbladder removed after about four days of very severe pain. I had the surgery on October 2nd and was sent home the same day even though my pain was still very severe. I went back to into the hospital on October 5th because I had a bile duct leak from the gallbladder surgery. I had a procedure called an ERCP on October 6th to place a stent in my stomach so that the bile could drain. This was supposed to take care of the pain that I was in. It didn't. I woke up from the procedure in even more pain. I was sent home hours after the procedure even though I was in horrible pain and had a fever.

The next night, my husband drove me up to another hospital's ER with a very high fever and pain. I was admitted after a CT scan that showed what the ER doctor thought was a Crohn's flare. Thankfully it wasn't Crohn's. It was a post-op infection. I was treated for the infection by a really good group of doctors at that hospital and was sent home. I was still in pain, but it wasn't as bad.

After five weeks I was still in pain. It had actually gotten so severe that we went back to the ER but they couldn't figure out what was causing the pain to be so much worse. My new doctor did another ERCP on November 10th and removed the stent that had been placed. He also cleaned out sludge that was left around the stent and cut a muscle in my stomach that had been contracting and causing that really severe pain. I woke up in significantly less pain but I was kept overnight at the hospital anyway.

Since then I have been slowly getting better. My pain is minimal now, but I am still having a lot of problems eating. I'm having a CT scan next week to check my small intestines for any sign of active Crohn's disease. If it isn't Crohn's it is probably just my stomach getting use to not having a gallbladder anymore. I've lost 15 pounds since this whole nightmare started.

I'm finally able to work again, drive again and sit up for more than 30 minutes without wanting to cry in pain. I should be happy that I am so much better now, and I am. But I'm mad. I was supposed to have my first round of IVF in November. I very well could have been pregnant right now. Now we have a deductible to pay and no clue of when I'm going to be healthy enough or when we are going to have the money to proceed with treatment. I'm so mad. This didn't have to happen. If the first surgery had been done carefully I would probably be fine right now. I'm the kind of mad that makes me want to punch things and smash glass things to pieces.

I try to keep it together during the day but I have times that I just break out in tears from anger at all of this. November marked our second year of trying to get pregnant and now I'm going to spend another Christmas with no hope in sight of being a mom.

I'm tired and angry. I hate infertility. I hate the guy who removed my gallbladder. I want to smash things.

That is all I've got for today.

Finding Myself and My Voice Through Infertility

For those of you who missed it I did a guest post for Bloggers for Hope. I talked a little about how I've found myself and my voice through this really hard time in my life. I want to expand on that a bit more.

Here is my post at Bloggers for Hope: Finding Your Voice

So how has something that has broken me into pieces help me find out who I really am? When the pieces are all on the floor you have to put them back together. I am choosing to make my pieces into a mosaic. Yes, I'm still walking on a lot of that broken glass. But at least my glass veneer has been broken

I have learned that I cannot live my life based on the expectations that the world or individual people think that I should. Once you don't meet one big expectation that the world puts on you - the ability to reproduce easily and become part of the mommy club - you start realizing that you don't have to adhere to the other irrational expectations put on you.

I have spent my whole life trying to fit in to a certain degree. Infertility has left me completely out, and from the outside I am able to find who I really am, what I really feel, what I think and that it is okay if they don't line up with what the people around me feel or think.

So who am I?

I'm an activist. I have made it one of my life goals to try and take the stigma out of infertility. I won't back down and I won't stop talking about it, even if that makes others uncomfortable because they've never had to experience it. I've actually taken up several causes, but I won't go into all of them here.

I am a friend. When you have experienced an unspeakable pain you learn to be sensitive to the pain of others. Learning to not try to "fix" people who are in pain takes walking through hell yourself. That is when you learn to just hold their hand and stand with them and to be the shoulder they can cry on when they cannot stand anymore.

I'm funny. In kind of a dark, weird way. Hey, sometimes you just need to laugh at the insanity of life. It makes it so much more fun!

I don't need the approval of others. I've had to cut some people out of my life through all of this, and that is okay. I'm going through enough right now. I owe it to myself to distance myself from the negativity and judgment of other people. This is MY life.

I am freaking strong. Anyone who can walk through hell, acknowledge it for what it is, and then pick themselves back up over and over again deserves a medal in my book. I know so many women and men who do it, and they are amazing. Getting through it this far is a victory for me.

All of these things have made me a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife, a better person. And all of these things will someday make me an amazing mother. My someday child deserves a mom who knows herself. Most importantly, I deserve to know myself.

That Cruel One Line

This cycle is a bust. Our last-ditch effort at avoiding IVF didn't work.

That one line on a pregnancy test has to be one of the cruelest sights on the planet. At least, it is for me right now.

I can't even describe what it's like to feel as though you've lost something that was never there to begin with. It's a cruel reality that steals your right to feel grief. How do you grieve something that never was?

How do you keep it together when seemingly everyone around you is getting exactly what you want but cannot have?

How do keep faith that God is really there when you feel like you've been completely overlooked?

How do you come up with all of this money to "buy" a baby when you're a young couple? How many women in their 20s have to pay for what should come naturally?

This post has been really depressing, so I'll end on a joke. Anyone know where I can get $1,000 in the next two months? I've been watching Breaking Bad and it's giving me some ideas ;-)

P.S. The Thirty-One party is still open. It will be closed at midnight tonight. If you don't like purses but still want to contribute, see the donations button in the top right.

The Champagne Room is Open

Gotta love that title. It reminds me of a song from when I was a teenager. Computers don't give out champagne (unfortunately we haven't created such a brilliant technology yet) but the party is open!

The Thirty-One part to help my husband and I raise the funds needed for our first IVF cycle is now open!

http://www.mythirtyone.com/shop/catalog.aspx?eventId=E2109348&from=DIRECTLINK

Please take a look, browse through the catalog, and see if you find something you like. If you don't find anything you'd like to purchase (and even if you do), prayers are greatly needed and appreciated!

I am still just in awe of all the love and support that has been shown to my husband and I during this very stressful and emotionally trying time.

You guys have reminded me that there IS still good in this world, and God has used your love and kindness to remind me that He hasn't forgotten us. Those two things are priceless.

Now lets have a virtual toast to hope. I'm drinking lemonade. So yeah, here, here!

Some Cool News

I have some really cool news!

I have an really awesome friend who has generously offered to help my husband and I raise money for IVF by throwing an online Thirty-One party! 20% of all sales will go to help us build our family.

The online party will start this Friday, August 17th, at 6:00am an will end on the night of Thursday, August 30th at midnight.

Please, take a look at the catalog and see if here is anything you'd like. If you have any friends who love Thirty-One products, please let them know about this party as well.

If you are wondering what Thirty-One is, thy are a company that sells handbags, totes, organizational products, gifts, insulated lunch bags and much, much more. The best part? You can customize your product. You pick the print and can have a name, word or monogram added to it!

Here is the link to my party!

Rachel's Thirty-One Party

The Battle That Never Ends

I don't want to write this post. It makes me sad. But I haven't written much in a while, so I figure I have to write something.

We are going to have to put off our IVF cycle for a couple of months. While we have had some wonderful people step up help us, we still don't have all the funds and we do not want to go into debt for this. Going into debt for it wouldn't be fair to any child that results from it, in our opinion. 

For those of you that don't know, I've started my own business and it has been harder than I thought it would be to find clients. I have much less money coming in from my job than I expected at this point, which also makes me sad. I know it takes time, but I feel like a failure.

We are really hoping that we won't have to wait past November to start IVF.

In the mean time we are trying one last cycle of clomid. So you can imagine what a joy I have been to be around. I really didn't have many side effects with my first five rounds. This one has been very different. I don't sleep well. When I do sleep I have the most horrible nightmares. My nerves are shattered and just about everything is making me irritable.

Infertile Confession: Today at the grocery store I parked in the expectant mother's parking spot and in my mind I was just daring anyone to say I didn't look pregnant. My response would've gone something like this, "It says expectant mother's, right? Well guess what!? I'm infertile and I've been expecting a baby for two years!"

So yeah, I'm a joy to be around at the moment. Haha... Oh, it's sad but it is so true! 

And on top of all of that I have had about fifty other VERY stressful things happen in the past three weeks. 

I'm so tired of this fight. I need a break, but there is no break in sight. Unfortunately, there are no breaks from the pain of wanting something with every fiber of your being, yet having to fight like hell to try to get it. You just have to keep fighting.