For those of you who missed it I did a guest post for Bloggers for Hope. I talked a little about how I've found myself and my voice through this really hard time in my life. I want to expand on that a bit more.
Here is my post at Bloggers for Hope: Finding Your Voice
So how has something that has broken me into pieces help me find out who I really am? When the pieces are all on the floor you have to put them back together. I am choosing to make my pieces into a mosaic. Yes, I'm still walking on a lot of that broken glass. But at least my glass veneer has been broken
I have learned that I cannot live my life based on the expectations that the world or individual people think that I should. Once you don't meet one big expectation that the world puts on you - the ability to reproduce easily and become part of the mommy club - you start realizing that you don't have to adhere to the other irrational expectations put on you.
I have spent my whole life trying to fit in to a certain degree. Infertility has left me completely out, and from the outside I am able to find who I really am, what I really feel, what I think and that it is okay if they don't line up with what the people around me feel or think.
So who am I?
I'm an activist. I have made it one of my life goals to try and take the stigma out of infertility. I won't back down and I won't stop talking about it, even if that makes others uncomfortable because they've never had to experience it. I've actually taken up several causes, but I won't go into all of them here.
I am a friend. When you have experienced an unspeakable pain you learn to be sensitive to the pain of others. Learning to not try to "fix" people who are in pain takes walking through hell yourself. That is when you learn to just hold their hand and stand with them and to be the shoulder they can cry on when they cannot stand anymore.
I'm funny. In kind of a dark, weird way. Hey, sometimes you just need to laugh at the insanity of life. It makes it so much more fun!
I don't need the approval of others. I've had to cut some people out of my life through all of this, and that is okay. I'm going through enough right now. I owe it to myself to distance myself from the negativity and judgment of other people. This is MY life.
I am freaking strong. Anyone who can walk through hell, acknowledge it for what it is, and then pick themselves back up over and over again deserves a medal in my book. I know so many women and men who do it, and they are amazing. Getting through it this far is a victory for me.
All of these things have made me a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife, a better person. And all of these things will someday make me an amazing mother. My someday child deserves a mom who knows herself. Most importantly, I deserve to know myself.