Bitter

For the entirety of my journey through infertility-land I have heard the word bitter. I've been called bitter by quite a few people. I've been told not to become bitter. I've heard about the 'bitter infertile' stereotype. It has become very apparent to me that people will think you are and call you bitter if you go through something difficult for a long period of time unless you act like it is just all roses while you're going through it.
This has prompted me to explore a little more what the word 'bitter' really means.

This is the definition of 'bitter' as given by Merriam-Webster:

1
a : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is peculiarly acrid, astringent, or disagreeable and suggestive of an infusion of hops — compare salt, sour, sweet
b : distasteful or distressing to the mind : galling <a bitter sense of shame>

2
: marked by intensity or severity:
a : accompanied by severe pain or suffering <a bitter death>
b : being relentlessly determined : vehement <a bitter partisan>
c : exhibiting intense animosity <bitter enemies>
d (1) : harshly reproachful <bitter complaints> (2) : marked by cynicism and rancor <bitter contempt>
e : intensely unpleasant especially in coldness or rawness <a bitter wind>

3
: expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret <bitter tears>
— bit·ter·ish  adjective
— bit·ter·ly adverb
— bit·ter·ness noun

Lets go through this.

Regarding #1- (a) I am not a taste. So, no. I'm not bitter in that sense. (b) You bet! I find infertility extremely distasteful and distressing of the mind.

Regarding #2- (a) Yes. I am experiencing a bitter pain. I suffer. Infertility is horrible. (b) Yes. I am determined. I will be a parent. To will fight to become one until the bitter end. (c) This is the one I think people keep referencing when they talk about infertility and bitterness. Yes. I bitterly complain to God about my inability to get pregnant. Yes. Infertility has given me a lot of cynicism towards life. Most difficulties in life do. This doesn't mean I wish bad upon others. I don't wish my pain on others. I just wish others would try to understand and acknowledge my pain.

Regarding #3- Yes. I express my emotions. Right now, those emotions include severe pain and grief.

Based on this definition of 'bitter' I'd say it has a lot more to do with pain and grief than with the hatred and resentment that so many people seem to be confusing it for. Based of this definition I am most certainly experiencing bitterness. It is more of an emotion than an adjective. Hateful is an adjective, and I don't think I'm hateful. If anyone or anything is bitter, I'd say it's infertility. Infertility is bitterly painful.

I'm not in the habit of hiding my emotions. In my experience, that leads to feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and depression. I'm not going to put on a fake happy smile when I feel like I'm dying inside. You wouldn't ask a person going through cancer, a divorce or the death of a loved one to just slap on a smile. My grief is just as real, so please don't ask me to do that either.

Most importantly, the next time you start to call someone bitter, maybe you should think about what bitter really means and recognize the pain and grief that person must be experiencing. Maybe instead of calling them bitter you should love them through the hard times. That is what we do for the people we love, right? Love them even when life isn't all roses?

Where I've Been

I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've had a lot going on. Let me catch you up.

On October 1st I was admitted to the hospital to have my gallbladder removed after about four days of very severe pain. I had the surgery on October 2nd and was sent home the same day even though my pain was still very severe. I went back to into the hospital on October 5th because I had a bile duct leak from the gallbladder surgery. I had a procedure called an ERCP on October 6th to place a stent in my stomach so that the bile could drain. This was supposed to take care of the pain that I was in. It didn't. I woke up from the procedure in even more pain. I was sent home hours after the procedure even though I was in horrible pain and had a fever.

The next night, my husband drove me up to another hospital's ER with a very high fever and pain. I was admitted after a CT scan that showed what the ER doctor thought was a Crohn's flare. Thankfully it wasn't Crohn's. It was a post-op infection. I was treated for the infection by a really good group of doctors at that hospital and was sent home. I was still in pain, but it wasn't as bad.

After five weeks I was still in pain. It had actually gotten so severe that we went back to the ER but they couldn't figure out what was causing the pain to be so much worse. My new doctor did another ERCP on November 10th and removed the stent that had been placed. He also cleaned out sludge that was left around the stent and cut a muscle in my stomach that had been contracting and causing that really severe pain. I woke up in significantly less pain but I was kept overnight at the hospital anyway.

Since then I have been slowly getting better. My pain is minimal now, but I am still having a lot of problems eating. I'm having a CT scan next week to check my small intestines for any sign of active Crohn's disease. If it isn't Crohn's it is probably just my stomach getting use to not having a gallbladder anymore. I've lost 15 pounds since this whole nightmare started.

I'm finally able to work again, drive again and sit up for more than 30 minutes without wanting to cry in pain. I should be happy that I am so much better now, and I am. But I'm mad. I was supposed to have my first round of IVF in November. I very well could have been pregnant right now. Now we have a deductible to pay and no clue of when I'm going to be healthy enough or when we are going to have the money to proceed with treatment. I'm so mad. This didn't have to happen. If the first surgery had been done carefully I would probably be fine right now. I'm the kind of mad that makes me want to punch things and smash glass things to pieces.

I try to keep it together during the day but I have times that I just break out in tears from anger at all of this. November marked our second year of trying to get pregnant and now I'm going to spend another Christmas with no hope in sight of being a mom.

I'm tired and angry. I hate infertility. I hate the guy who removed my gallbladder. I want to smash things.

That is all I've got for today.

Faith and Infertility - Part One

I have not been super vocal on my blog about my faith for a reason. I want people of all beliefs to be able to read it and relate to it. Today I am going to do something a bit different. I'm going to write about faith and infertility.

I am a Christian, but I hope that most of what I am writing can be encouraging to anyone. Everything I am writing is based on my own personal journey. I do not claim that anything I say is the indisputable word of God or anything like that. 

This is the first part of a three part series. This post is focused on the emotions that accompany infertility. The next will explore the question, "Why?" In the final post of the series I will talk about my own spiritual journey through infertility

I was really hesitant to write a post about my faith. Mainly, because I have questioned so much through my infertility journey. I felt like that made me a 'bad' Christian or thought that God would be angry with me. Quite the opposite is true. John the Baptist doubted. He baptized Jesus and he still doubted. Jesus did not get angry when he questioned him. He calmly reassured him.

When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?" Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me." (Matthew 11:2-6 NIV)

What about anger and bitterness? Are those feelings sinful? Let's look at Hannah. She was infertile. She wept bitterly begging God to give her a child. God did not chastise her for this. He gave her the son that she prayed for.

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. (1 Samuel 1:10 NIV)
Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. (1 Samuel 1:19 NIV)

Anger? Look at Mary, the sister of Lazarus. When Lazarus died she ran to Jesus saying, "If you had been here this wouldn't have happened!" Call me crazy, but I very much doubt that she said this calmly. She probably yelled and maybe even screamed it in her grief. Jesus did not chastise her for this, He was deeply troubled by her sadness and He wept.

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. (John 11:32-35 NIV)

Anger, doubt, and bitterness. God takes pity on all of it. He also offers comfort.

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more. (Psalm 71:20, 21 NIV)

More to come...

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