Easter 2013

This is the first Easter since we learned that we were infertile that I have not been sad. Holidays are typically very hard for people going through infertility. They usually are for me. I'm really okay. I hope that feeling lasts through tomorrow.

Right now I believe that God is giving me a dose of what Easter is really all about: Hope.

Christ gave the world hope when He sacrificed Himself as payment for our imperfections. I am so grateful for that sacrifice and for love that He shows me daily. Even when I am angry at God, life and the universe He still doesn't give up on me. He sees every tear and mourns with me. That is love.

I hope and pray that this Easter brings you hope, peace and joy. Happy Easter.

Now a quick update- After looking over the finances and considering how long my body would need to fully recover from my gallbladder surgery and Crohn's fiasco, we are looking at doing our IVF cycle in August. Of course, I'll need the approval of my gastroenterologist first but hopefully I'll be well enough to get it. I'm very, very excited.

Steubenville

I know I'm a bit behind on this post. Most people in America have already forgotten about Steubenville and Jane Doe. I haven't. I wish I could've written a post sooner about this, but I was sick with a nasty cold. I think it turned out better this way, doing the post once most have forgotten.

I was sickened by the news coverage on the day that the rapists were convicted and sentenced.

"They had such promising futures."

"They are amazing athletes."

"This happened during an alcohol-fueled party."

"The girl was very drunk."

The above statements DO NOT MATTER. Those young men are rapists. They got off with a slap of the wrist. They'll be out probably before they see their 21st birthdays. This is appalling.

And we wonder why so many rape victims don't report the attack to the police? I didn't report my rapist because I knew it would be my word against his and that he would never be convicted.

I do not care how much a person has had to drink, what they were wearing or how many sexual partners they've had. Rape is NEVER okay. Someone who is passed out cannot consent to sex. No means no. This isn't rocket science.

At least, it shouldn't be.

I never imagined until now that I'd have to teach my future children that they shouldn't rape. I assumed that "don't rape" would just be a given. Society has shown me otherwise with their blaming of rape victims and sympathy for criminals. So I will teach my children not to rape. What scares me is this question- Who will teach the people that my children will come into contact with that they shouldn't rape?

Will my son or daughter go through the same pain and shame that I did? Will they be afraid to tell anyone because they think no one will believe them, just like I was? If someone hurts them like that will they be fortunate enough to live through it, like I was? These questions scare me.

I have a message for Jane Doe. It's for all the Jane Does of the world, really:

You are not alone. It is not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your attacker(s) are the ones who are damaged, not you. You are a survivor. On behalf of every person who has or ever will be sexually assaulted, thank you for your bravery. Thank you, on behalf of women everywhere.

Bitter

For the entirety of my journey through infertility-land I have heard the word bitter. I've been called bitter by quite a few people. I've been told not to become bitter. I've heard about the 'bitter infertile' stereotype. It has become very apparent to me that people will think you are and call you bitter if you go through something difficult for a long period of time unless you act like it is just all roses while you're going through it.
This has prompted me to explore a little more what the word 'bitter' really means.

This is the definition of 'bitter' as given by Merriam-Webster:

1
a : being or inducing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is peculiarly acrid, astringent, or disagreeable and suggestive of an infusion of hops — compare salt, sour, sweet
b : distasteful or distressing to the mind : galling <a bitter sense of shame>

2
: marked by intensity or severity:
a : accompanied by severe pain or suffering <a bitter death>
b : being relentlessly determined : vehement <a bitter partisan>
c : exhibiting intense animosity <bitter enemies>
d (1) : harshly reproachful <bitter complaints> (2) : marked by cynicism and rancor <bitter contempt>
e : intensely unpleasant especially in coldness or rawness <a bitter wind>

3
: expressive of severe pain, grief, or regret <bitter tears>
— bit·ter·ish  adjective
— bit·ter·ly adverb
— bit·ter·ness noun

Lets go through this.

Regarding #1- (a) I am not a taste. So, no. I'm not bitter in that sense. (b) You bet! I find infertility extremely distasteful and distressing of the mind.

Regarding #2- (a) Yes. I am experiencing a bitter pain. I suffer. Infertility is horrible. (b) Yes. I am determined. I will be a parent. To will fight to become one until the bitter end. (c) This is the one I think people keep referencing when they talk about infertility and bitterness. Yes. I bitterly complain to God about my inability to get pregnant. Yes. Infertility has given me a lot of cynicism towards life. Most difficulties in life do. This doesn't mean I wish bad upon others. I don't wish my pain on others. I just wish others would try to understand and acknowledge my pain.

Regarding #3- Yes. I express my emotions. Right now, those emotions include severe pain and grief.

Based on this definition of 'bitter' I'd say it has a lot more to do with pain and grief than with the hatred and resentment that so many people seem to be confusing it for. Based of this definition I am most certainly experiencing bitterness. It is more of an emotion than an adjective. Hateful is an adjective, and I don't think I'm hateful. If anyone or anything is bitter, I'd say it's infertility. Infertility is bitterly painful.

I'm not in the habit of hiding my emotions. In my experience, that leads to feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and depression. I'm not going to put on a fake happy smile when I feel like I'm dying inside. You wouldn't ask a person going through cancer, a divorce or the death of a loved one to just slap on a smile. My grief is just as real, so please don't ask me to do that either.

Most importantly, the next time you start to call someone bitter, maybe you should think about what bitter really means and recognize the pain and grief that person must be experiencing. Maybe instead of calling them bitter you should love them through the hard times. That is what we do for the people we love, right? Love them even when life isn't all roses?

Learning to Breathe

Sorry I haven't posted anything new in a while! I have been very busy and very tired.

My health is definitely better than it was, but I'm now trying to get a minor Crohn's flare under control. I'm on a new medicine that should help and won't be harmful to a baby if I get pregnant.

I've been working a lot and trying to focus on getting my health back on track. I have my moments of sadness but, all in all, I'm doing pretty well emotionally.

I'm really proud of the business that I have built. I am finally feeling like I've succeeded at something in my life. Everyone needs to feel like they have succeeded, especially those of us who have trouble doing the one thing we never imagined would be a struggle - having a child. Find what you love and do it. Work hard at it. Trust me, it helps.

I feel like I'm learning how to live a more normal life, like before. As long as we are trying to build our family things won't be completely normal (whatever normal is), but I'm trying not to let the sadness consume me. I feel like I'm learning to breathe again.

I don't have much more to say. So I'll leave you with an adorable picture of my two sweet girls.

Here is to 2013. Here is to Hope.

Happy New Year!

2012 was a heck of a year. I can't say it was my favorite year ever. In fact, most of it sucked. But you have to go through the sucky things in life to get to the good and I plan on 2013 being amazing.

What happened this year? A lot. I've learned a lot through the pain and I'm thankful for what I've learned. Now I'm ready for the good part, the moving on part, the "happily ever after" part. I realize I may not find that part this year, but I can hope. I HAVE to hope. It's all I've got to keep me going.

So here is to 2013. Here is to hope.

What Makes a Woman? - Part 2

Here is the second installation of my series that I'm doing for Bloggers For Hope!

What Makes a Woman? - Part 2

This post dives into what it means to be nurturing and compassionate and the many ways that you can express that part of yourself even through infertility.

What Makes a Woman?

Hey everyone! I'm doing a series on Bloggers for Hope called "What Makes a Woman."

All too frequently infertility can leave us feeling robbed of feeling like a "real" woman. This series tackles what really does make a woman and why infertility can't rob us of our womanhood.

You can read this series here: What Makes a Woman? Part 1