Faith and Infertility - Part Three. My Story.

Now it's my turn to talk about my continuing spiritual journey through infertility. This is a hard one to write because it is so deeply personal. What is true for me may not be true for you. My journey will not be the same as yours. That doesn't make either of us wrong.

My Faith

I'm going to start this out by telling you about my faith. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died on the cross to atone for the things that all of us have done and will do wrong. 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

The word love is mentioned in the Bible approximately 64,015 times. I believe that God wants us to love others in the same way that Jesus does. Jesus gave us a perfect example of how to love others.

This is my command: Love each other. (John 15:17 NIV)

That is what I believe and how I try to live my life. I don't always succeed, but I try. I am not a stereotypical Christian. I don't and would never hold up a sign telling anyone that they are going to hell outside of an abortion clinic, a gay bar, or anywhere else. I have a tattoo (and want another). I don't arrange ladies teas  or bake sales at my church (and I probably never will). I am hugely imperfect. I curse. I occasionally over-indulge in adult beverages. There are people I despise. I don't always show the love to others that I know I should. Trust me, there is more, but I'd rather not share all of  it on my blog. Point is, I'm human and I know it.

So there it is. That is me.

My Faith Through Infertility

When I first started to realize that it wasn't going to be as easy for me and my husband to have a child as it was for other people I wasn't hugely surprised. I always had this strange fear and feeling that this would happen. I assumed that once my doctor put me on clomid I would get pregnant quickly. That didn't happen.

When that didn't happen I got angry. Angry at God, at my own body, and at those who conceive children easily. I am still angry a lot of the time. I have (and still do) screamed at God. 
"Why are you doing this to me?" 
"If you can do something as difficult as sending your own Son to die for the sin of others why won't you do something as easy as giving me a baby?" 
"If you love me, prove it." 
Thankfully, God can handle my anger. It doesn't shock Him. He knows all my feelings already anyway. 

I also doubt. I sometimes question if there is any rhyme or reason to anything that happens in life. I have questioned if God has anything to do with what happens in our lives and if He even cares. Thankfully, He cares and is right next to me even when I doubt His presence.

If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
you who sees everything we do?
Why have you made me your target?
Have I become a burden to you? (Job 7:20 NIV)

Even if I summoned him and he responded,
I do not believe he would give me a hearing. He would crush me with a storm
and multiply my wounds for no reason. (Job 9:16, 17 NIV)

Feelings of anger and doubt are normal and okay. Job had them too. He was a good guy and a Godly guy. You probably won't hear this from anyone at your church or temple, so let me say it. It is okay to be angry and to doubt. God can handle it and His grace is sufficient for you.

I have hope too. I'm lucky to have a really awesome and supportive family. My great-aunt (who is an evangelist) sent me this verse:

He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord. (Psalm 113:9 NIV)

She told me to memorize it and believe it. I've got it memorized, and now I'm working on believing it.

I'm still working on trusting God. Not just with my fertility, but with everything. It's not something I ever expect to master, but I hope to improve it. Life is one step and one breath at a time. To a control freak (me) that is a hard realization. As I state continuously in my life and in this blog, I'm getting there.

Tweet

2012 Atlanta Walk of Hope

I started a team for the 2012 Atlanta Walk of Hope! We are doing really well with fundraising but we need more team members. Please join us if you are in the Atlanta area on the 28th of April. It is only a one mile walk and it is free to register.

All donations benefit RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. RESOLVE provides important resources and support for the infertility community. The Walk of Hope is a really great cause.

You don't have to be infertile to join us! It is open to anyone and everyone who wants to help raise awareness about infertility and spread hope to those suffering from it. This is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart. No one should have to feel alone in this journey.

If you would like to donate to or join our team, The One in Eight, please visit the link below.

2012 Atlanta Walk of Hope: The One in Eight

Tweet

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you are "breaking up" with infertility. My husband and I are currently on a break from trying to get pregnant. The months of dashed hopes and broken dreams are exhausting and we need a break from it. On one hand, taking this break has been a huge relief. On the other hand, I feel like I've broken up with my hopes and dreams. I know it's only a temporary break, but it still feels that way.

I think of my infertility every time I see my basal body thermometer, or my OPK strips, or a pregnancy test. When I hear songs on the radio like Gavin DeGraw's "Not Over You," I think of the baby that I don't have. I realize how pathetic this all sounds, but keep in mind that this has been a huge part of my daily life for the past 15 months.

So how do I get infertility off of my mind? I haven't figured it out yet.

***My apologies to all of my friends and relatives if I nearly gave you a heart attack with this title. Mr. Rach and I are not breaking up!***

Tweet

Stupid Things Fertiles Say & Why We Should Cut Them Some Slack

I, like almost every other infertile woman in the world, have heard all varieties of stupid comments from people when they find out that I am infertile.

"You just need to relax!"

"All my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant!"

"Just stop trying and it will happen."

"Why don't you just adopt?"

And, like almost every other infertile woman in the world, these comments piss me off and frequently get an equally offensive response. All that said, I have had a revelation over the last week. The people who say those things aren't stupid. The statements themselves aren't stupid. They are just uninformed. Every person that has ever made a comment like the ones above to me really meant well. They were all extremely nice people who never intended to be hurtful. They just didn't know what to say because they have never experienced infertility. I need to cut them some slack.

Let me explain how I came to this personal revelation. About a week ago some of the women that I follow on Twitter were having a conversation about adoption. One of them stated that the term, "giving a child up," is an offensive one. I had no clue. I asked her about it and she explained that it had a negative connotation and made adopted children feel unwanted and unloved by their birth mothers. Adopted children (or their parents) shouldn't be made to feel that way. In my opinion, a woman who places her child for adoption because she knows that she cannot give them the life that they need to thrive is the most loving thing that any woman could ever do. I have said that someone, "gave their child up for adoption," many times in the past. I had NO CLUE that I was saying something that was hurtful because I have never gone through the adoption process. I was uniformed.

Just a few days after that I was talking to a friend who adopted two beautiful children after years of dealing with infertility. We were talking about where my husband and I intended on going from here as far as our treatments go and I said, "I just really feel like I am going to have a child of my own." My friend very nicely informed me that her children were her own. I felt HORRIBLE. I never meant to imply that her children weren't hers. I just didn't think about what I said before I said it. I apologized profusely. She laughed and said it was okay, that she was just trying to change people's vocabulary regarding adoption. She did it with much more grace and understanding than I have with comments regarding my infertility. 

That's when it hit me. I don't know the right things to say to a family going through the adoption process because I have never been through it myself. I am uninformed. I have said offensive things without ever realizing it. People who haven't experienced infertility also don't know the right things to say. They haven't walked in my shoes. How can I expect someone to know the right things to say if they have never been there? I can't because, like me when it comes to adoption, they just don't know. 

Think of all the other situations that you may have said insensitive things without ever knowing it: the death of a loved one, being fired or laid off from a job, receiving a cancer diagnosis, etc. The list could go on and on. This is why we need to cut fertiles some slack. Chances are, you have said something hurtful to someone without ever knowing it too. Let's show people the same understanding that we would want them to show us. That doesn't mean you can't kindly correct them. It just means that you need to keep in mind that at some point you were, "that person," too.

FYI: The blog now has it's own Facebook page! Like me at http://www.facebook.com/RachHasHope

Tweet

Self-Esteem

As I stated in a previous post, the stress of dealing with infertility has put me into a deep depression. Through therapy and some soul searching I have realized some of the reasons that dealing with infertility has been such a challenge for me, and some of the negative feelings that infertility has instilled in me. In is post I want to talk about self esteem in general, and the effect that infertility has had on my self esteem. 

I already had a shaky grip on my self esteem. I think most young women do. Infertility sent my poor self image over the edge. I once said to my therapist that I truly feel like I have failed at everything. About a week ago I said out-loud to myself all  the things that I feel I have failed at. This is what I came up with: 

1)  I am not the skinny, perfect version of myself that the media tells me I should be. 

2)  I am not a successful business woman. In fact, I'm still not sure what career path I want for my life. 

3) I have failed my parents and my husband by letting this depression get the best of me.

4)  I don't have a family.

Then I asked myself, "Are these beliefs true?"

True, I am not physically perfect, but I am okay with that as long as I am healthy and happy. I also think that it is okay for a twenty-four year old to still question what they want for their future. I am still very young. How many people do I know who had it all figured out at my age? I can't name any.

As for the statement that I've failed my family, it is just that. A statement. It is an untrue belief that I have about myself. The fact that I believe it doesn't make it true. I can believe that the sky is green all that I want to, but that doesn't make it true. If you asked my parents or my husband to describe me I think some of these words would pop up: loving, compassionate, honest, smart, funny, and even strong. THAT is how I should view myself. Those who know me best probably have a much more clear view of who I am than I do in my current depressed state. 

I stopped on that last statement and said it again to myself, "I don't have a family." Then it came to me, YES I DO! I may not be a mother, but I DO have a family. My husband and I are a family. We are not a couple waiting to become a family. We already are a family. We also have our two darling fur babies that complete our happy family. While we do long for a child, we are still a happy family. I am now working on redefining my definition of the word family.

Realizing these things have taken a huge load off of my shoulders. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to have everything figured out. I need to redefine my idea of success as well as family.

How is your self esteem? The view that you have of yourself may not be true. How would those closest to you describe you? Does your idea of success and what makes a family need a rewrite?

P.S. I do intend on writing Faith and Infertility - Part 3 (My Story). I just need the time to be right. It will be a deeply personal post and I'm not ready yet.

Tweet

Faith and Infertility - Part Two

The biggest question that I have asked through infertility has been, "Why me?" Why can a crackhead get pregnant over and over again and I can't? Why do teenagers have babies all the time but not me? Have I done something wrong? Am I not good enough to deserve a child? 

I think all infertile women and men ask themselves these questions. I can't even begin to answer the question, "Why me?" I honestly have no clue. I also do not understand why crackheads and teenagers have babies all the time that they have no means of caring for (and instead of lovingly placing them for adoption they keep them anyway). As for the questions of, "Have I done something wrong?" or, "Am I not good enough to deserve a child?" I have come to some conclusions.

"Have I done something wrong to deserve this?" In my opinion, the Bible says no. Let's look at a couple women from the Bible who struggled with infertility.

Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist. 

Elizabeth was righteous in the sight God and was infertile. Her infertility had nothing to do with her lack of goodness. I venture to guess that maybe her infertility was for a bigger purpose. If Elizabeth and Zechariah had been successful in conceiving earlier in life maybe they would never have had John the Baptist. John was meant to be born at a very specific time and to a very specific set of parents. John prepared people for the coming of Jesus. He baptized Jesus. Perhaps the pain that Elizabeth suffered all those years of childlessness prepared her to love John in the way that he needed to become the amazing man that he was.

In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. Both of them were righteous in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commands and decrees blamelessly. But they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and they were both very old. (Luke 1:5-7 NIV)

As for the question, "Am I not good enough to deserve a child?" let's look at Sarah.

Sarah, the mother of Isaac.

Oh, how I love Sarah! She is a prime example that God does not withhold fertility because of the mistakes that we have made. God told Abraham that he would give him a son. Sarah didn't believe that it would come from her so she tried to solve the problem her way. She gave her slave, Hagar, to her husband to conceive a child with her. It worked, and of course created a whole host of issues within the family. Sarah screwed up. Still, God told Abraham that Sarah would bear him a son. This was her response:

So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?" (Genesis 18:12 NIV)

Sarah laughed at God. Still, God blessed her.

Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. (Genesis 21:1, 2 NIV)

Sarah made some mistakes. She didn't trust God, she laughed at him, and she prompted her husband to commit adultery. It didn't matter. God wanted her to have Isaac, and she did. God was gracious to Sarah. He loved her. He loves you too, and His love for you has nothing to do with how 'good' you are.

Now I want to present a Biblical story of adoption. The story of Esther.

Esther, adopted by Mordecai.

Esther (Hadassah)  was an orphan. Her uncle took her as his own daughter. He adopted her.

Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This young woman, who was also known as Esther, had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died. (Esther 2:7 NIV)

Esther was chosen by king Xerxes of Persia to be his queen. Haman was an advisor to the king. The king gave him way too much power. Using the king's seal, he sent out an edict that named a day of the year in which the Jewish people were to be slaughtered and their goods plundered. 

Mordecai learned of this and got news to Esther. He begged Esther to go to king. The problem with this was that if she went before the king without him beckoning her and he was displeased by it she would be executed. She was scared. When Mordecai heard of her fear he said this:

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14 NIV)

Esther went to the king. He was pleased. She invite him and Haman to a banquet. At the banquet she informed King Xerxes of the plot to have her people killed. The king was furious with Haman for issuing this law. He had Haman killed and gave his estate and position to Mordecai. Mordecai sent out an edict informing the Jewish people of what was to happen and giving them permission to assemble, arm, and protect themselves. The Jewish people were saved from genocide. If Mordecai had not adopted Esther the Jewish people might have been ruthlessly slaughtered. Esther was certainly where she was for "such a time as this." She also needed Mordecai, her adoptive father, to help give her the courage to do it

Maybe you have decided that adoption is the right path for you. If so, look closely at the story of Esther. Your child may have been destined to come into your love and care for "such a time as this."

Conclusion

Infertility is not a punishment. You are not infertile because you 'aren't good enough.' Perhaps the child that God has for you needs to be born or adopted at a very specific time so that they an fulfill their God-given destiny. Maybe the painful longing that you feel will give you a love so strong for the child you are given that you will help them become the person that they are meant to be. 

I try my hardest to believe that God is preparing my husband and I to love and treasure our child and give them what they need to become the person that He created them to be. Maybe that is why we are experiencing infertility.

Part Three - My Story, will come soon!

Tweet

Faith and Infertility - Part One

I have not been super vocal on my blog about my faith for a reason. I want people of all beliefs to be able to read it and relate to it. Today I am going to do something a bit different. I'm going to write about faith and infertility.

I am a Christian, but I hope that most of what I am writing can be encouraging to anyone. Everything I am writing is based on my own personal journey. I do not claim that anything I say is the indisputable word of God or anything like that. 

This is the first part of a three part series. This post is focused on the emotions that accompany infertility. The next will explore the question, "Why?" In the final post of the series I will talk about my own spiritual journey through infertility

I was really hesitant to write a post about my faith. Mainly, because I have questioned so much through my infertility journey. I felt like that made me a 'bad' Christian or thought that God would be angry with me. Quite the opposite is true. John the Baptist doubted. He baptized Jesus and he still doubted. Jesus did not get angry when he questioned him. He calmly reassured him.

When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?" Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me." (Matthew 11:2-6 NIV)

What about anger and bitterness? Are those feelings sinful? Let's look at Hannah. She was infertile. She wept bitterly begging God to give her a child. God did not chastise her for this. He gave her the son that she prayed for.

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. (1 Samuel 1:10 NIV)
Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. (1 Samuel 1:19 NIV)

Anger? Look at Mary, the sister of Lazarus. When Lazarus died she ran to Jesus saying, "If you had been here this wouldn't have happened!" Call me crazy, but I very much doubt that she said this calmly. She probably yelled and maybe even screamed it in her grief. Jesus did not chastise her for this, He was deeply troubled by her sadness and He wept.

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. (John 11:32-35 NIV)

Anger, doubt, and bitterness. God takes pity on all of it. He also offers comfort.

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more. (Psalm 71:20, 21 NIV)

More to come...

Tweet