Pain, Infertility, and The Church

There is a problem in the Church that needs to be addressed. It's a problem with the way the Church handles pain and the people who are going through it.

This post can apply to any type of suffering or pain, but because I am going through infertility, that is the example I'm going to use. 

Like I've said before, I usually don't like to get into my faith much on this blog, but I really think this is something that needs to be addressed.

We are supposed to bring all of our burdens to Christ (Psalms 55:22). Shouldn't we be able to bring them to the Body of Christ, the Church, as well? We should, but unfortunately, many church members just don't want to deal with someone who is going through hardship.  Churches are handling infertility the same way that the world does. They want to sweep it under the rug, not talk about it, and ignore it. As Christians, aren't we called to be different?

After my husband and I had been diagnosed with infertility and were going through all the various tests that come along with that diagnosis we turned to our fellow believers for support. I was quite vocal about my feelings about what we were going through. I thought it was a safe place to do so. It wasn't.

I encountered an attitude of, "Just pray about it and then get yourself together." I was told that voicing my unhappiness with my situation was sinful and that I was bitter. Many people told me that my infertility (a medical condition) was all part of God's plan. I've never had anyone tell me that me being diagnosed with Crohn's disease was part of God's plan, so why do people think it's okay to say that about infertility?

I felt very much shut out and unwanted because I wasn't pretending that my life was just great. When did the idea that you have to be happy all the time to be a Christian come along? Read the book of Job, Lamentations, or the Psalms. Those guys were struggling and they were VERY open with their feelings.

The sense of, "you don't belong here, just go away," that I got from my brothers and sisters in Christ  during that time period has made me very hesitant to go to church. I feel the need to protect and insulate myself. Infertility has already made me feel like an outsider. I didn't need that to be reinforced by other believers.

I know that I am not alone in these feelings. I've heard them echoed by SO many women who are Christian and are infertile. They are told that they need to be patient, trust God, and just pray. The end. Not many people want to hear about what they are really feeling or how hard what they are going through is. 

It's true, I have changed. Pain has changed me. If you can believe this, I used to be one of those bubbly people who was an eternal optimist and loved being around people almost all the time. That has obviously changed. The parts of myself that were so hopeful had to be deadened to protect myself. Imagine what hope followed by horrible disappointment every month would do to the mind of an optimist. I also don't like being around large groups of people anymore. It's hard for me because I'm just not myself anymore. I hope that I get those parts of myself back someday, but they just aren't here right now.

There is a quote I pinned on Pinterest. It says, "Love me until I'm me again." That is what I need from those around me. That is how the Church needs to approach people who are suffering. Understand that when someone has been going through something awful long enough it changes them. Love them until they are themselves again.

Jesus called the suffering to come to Him. Shouldn't we, the Church, be doing the same? There is an astounding lack of compassion in a faith whose greatest commandment is Love. Let's bring some of that back.

Faith and Infertility - Part Three. My Story.

Now it's my turn to talk about my continuing spiritual journey through infertility. This is a hard one to write because it is so deeply personal. What is true for me may not be true for you. My journey will not be the same as yours. That doesn't make either of us wrong.

My Faith

I'm going to start this out by telling you about my faith. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died on the cross to atone for the things that all of us have done and will do wrong. 

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16 NIV)

The word love is mentioned in the Bible approximately 64,015 times. I believe that God wants us to love others in the same way that Jesus does. Jesus gave us a perfect example of how to love others.

This is my command: Love each other. (John 15:17 NIV)

That is what I believe and how I try to live my life. I don't always succeed, but I try. I am not a stereotypical Christian. I don't and would never hold up a sign telling anyone that they are going to hell outside of an abortion clinic, a gay bar, or anywhere else. I have a tattoo (and want another). I don't arrange ladies teas  or bake sales at my church (and I probably never will). I am hugely imperfect. I curse. I occasionally over-indulge in adult beverages. There are people I despise. I don't always show the love to others that I know I should. Trust me, there is more, but I'd rather not share all of  it on my blog. Point is, I'm human and I know it.

So there it is. That is me.

My Faith Through Infertility

When I first started to realize that it wasn't going to be as easy for me and my husband to have a child as it was for other people I wasn't hugely surprised. I always had this strange fear and feeling that this would happen. I assumed that once my doctor put me on clomid I would get pregnant quickly. That didn't happen.

When that didn't happen I got angry. Angry at God, at my own body, and at those who conceive children easily. I am still angry a lot of the time. I have (and still do) screamed at God. 
"Why are you doing this to me?" 
"If you can do something as difficult as sending your own Son to die for the sin of others why won't you do something as easy as giving me a baby?" 
"If you love me, prove it." 
Thankfully, God can handle my anger. It doesn't shock Him. He knows all my feelings already anyway. 

I also doubt. I sometimes question if there is any rhyme or reason to anything that happens in life. I have questioned if God has anything to do with what happens in our lives and if He even cares. Thankfully, He cares and is right next to me even when I doubt His presence.

If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
you who sees everything we do?
Why have you made me your target?
Have I become a burden to you? (Job 7:20 NIV)

Even if I summoned him and he responded,
I do not believe he would give me a hearing. He would crush me with a storm
and multiply my wounds for no reason. (Job 9:16, 17 NIV)

Feelings of anger and doubt are normal and okay. Job had them too. He was a good guy and a Godly guy. You probably won't hear this from anyone at your church or temple, so let me say it. It is okay to be angry and to doubt. God can handle it and His grace is sufficient for you.

I have hope too. I'm lucky to have a really awesome and supportive family. My great-aunt (who is an evangelist) sent me this verse:

He settles the childless woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the Lord. (Psalm 113:9 NIV)

She told me to memorize it and believe it. I've got it memorized, and now I'm working on believing it.

I'm still working on trusting God. Not just with my fertility, but with everything. It's not something I ever expect to master, but I hope to improve it. Life is one step and one breath at a time. To a control freak (me) that is a hard realization. As I state continuously in my life and in this blog, I'm getting there.

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Faith and Infertility - Part One

I have not been super vocal on my blog about my faith for a reason. I want people of all beliefs to be able to read it and relate to it. Today I am going to do something a bit different. I'm going to write about faith and infertility.

I am a Christian, but I hope that most of what I am writing can be encouraging to anyone. Everything I am writing is based on my own personal journey. I do not claim that anything I say is the indisputable word of God or anything like that. 

This is the first part of a three part series. This post is focused on the emotions that accompany infertility. The next will explore the question, "Why?" In the final post of the series I will talk about my own spiritual journey through infertility

I was really hesitant to write a post about my faith. Mainly, because I have questioned so much through my infertility journey. I felt like that made me a 'bad' Christian or thought that God would be angry with me. Quite the opposite is true. John the Baptist doubted. He baptized Jesus and he still doubted. Jesus did not get angry when he questioned him. He calmly reassured him.

When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?" Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me." (Matthew 11:2-6 NIV)

What about anger and bitterness? Are those feelings sinful? Let's look at Hannah. She was infertile. She wept bitterly begging God to give her a child. God did not chastise her for this. He gave her the son that she prayed for.

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. (1 Samuel 1:10 NIV)
Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. (1 Samuel 1:19 NIV)

Anger? Look at Mary, the sister of Lazarus. When Lazarus died she ran to Jesus saying, "If you had been here this wouldn't have happened!" Call me crazy, but I very much doubt that she said this calmly. She probably yelled and maybe even screamed it in her grief. Jesus did not chastise her for this, He was deeply troubled by her sadness and He wept.

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. (John 11:32-35 NIV)

Anger, doubt, and bitterness. God takes pity on all of it. He also offers comfort.

Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more. (Psalm 71:20, 21 NIV)

More to come...

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