Wednesday, July 31, 2013

It Isn't Easy

Since I revealed that we have stopped trying to get pregnant I have gotten some wonderful support and feedback. I really appreciate all of the love and support that I have received. One of the comments I keep getting is people telling me that I'm brave. This one baffles me. I certainly do not feel brave right now.

I am trying to accept that I will most likely never have children. This isn't easy. It hurts. I am dealing with such a wide range of emotions.

The things that bothered me while we were going through treatments seem even harder now. Pregnancy announcements hurt so much. My heart actually aches when I see one. Hearing people talk about their kids nonstop feels very isolating. I cannot relate to them. I never will be able to. That is a very lonely feeling. Not fitting in with the mommy crowd makes me feel like less of a woman. Knowing I'll never fit in with them in terrifying. I don't want to feel this lonely forever.

I live in a smallish, conservative community in the south. There are not many women around here that don't have kids or at least plan on having them. I spent my entire life just knowing that I would be a mother. Yet here I am. And where I am right now feels very weird and foreign. I have no clue how to navigate my future. I'm just kind of winging it. And I'm doing it without many other women around me that have been where I am. I'm scared.

I am dealing with a major crisis of faith right now too. I don't want to go into detail because I'd probably just come off sounding like a heretic to some people but trust me, I'm really confused about everything I've ever believed about God right now.

I keep telling myself that it will get easier. It has to get easier. I just wish the easy part would hurry up and get here.

7 comments:

  1. If you find a shortcut to the easy part, let me know. So much love and support, friend. I get it.

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    1. I'll be sure to let you know if I find a shortcut. And I am so sorry that you get it. <3

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  2. It's a hard road. I wish you didn't have to walk it. It gets easier, but (and sorry if this doesn't help) it's kind of like when someone dies, or at least it was for me. I got through a few months of really, really hard stuff, then it started easing, but once in a while something happens and all of a sudden I want to burst into tears or kick someone again. Or both. I still feel like I'm not quite a woman because I can't get pregnant. I feel like I'm lacking. It still pokes at me, despite adoption.

    If you'd like to talk, feel free to email - I'm wendryn@gmail.com. I'm happy to talk about faith problems, too, since I have been through those struggles. I ended up an atheist, but I promise I don't push. I just know some of what you are dealing with.

    I hope tomorrow is easier, and next week is easier, and next month you'll be able to breathe a little more freely and smile at things without thinking about it. *hugs*

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  3. Oh girl....I'm really feeling for you right now. I can literally feel your pain and fear, it's a scary position to be in! Your words ring very true for me right now because we are *this* close to calling it quits forever on trying to have a biological child. It makes me want to run away to a cabin in the woods where I can live peacefully without having to encounter another mommy crowd or Facebook pregnancy announcement. I'm so sorry to hear about your crisis of faith too...I pray that you will pull through and come out on the other side with even stronger faith. God's with you right now, even if you can't see Him or understand what He's up to.

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    1. I completely relate to the just wanting to run away. Thank you so much for your sweet words and your support. We will get through this, one way or another.

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  4. After we decided to go child free I went through a depression stage. A "whats the point of it all" stage. Its getting better I promise. Take time to imagine all the different scenarios your life could take on. Think of something you never thought was possible and allow yourself to start dreaming about it. I can definitely relate to feeling like everyone else around you has kids. I live in Utah which has the highest birthrate in the country. Literally everyone has kids. Look up No Kidding. Its a social meet up site for women without kids, maybe you can meet some new people

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    1. Thank you so much for saying this. I am definitely in the depression stage.

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