Since I revealed that we have stopped trying to get pregnant I have gotten some wonderful support and feedback. I really appreciate all of the love and support that I have received. One of the comments I keep getting is people telling me that I'm brave. This one baffles me. I certainly do not feel brave right now.
I am trying to accept that I will most likely never have children. This isn't easy. It hurts. I am dealing with such a wide range of emotions.
The things that bothered me while we were going through treatments seem even harder now. Pregnancy announcements hurt so much. My heart actually aches when I see one. Hearing people talk about their kids nonstop feels very isolating. I cannot relate to them. I never will be able to. That is a very lonely feeling. Not fitting in with the mommy crowd makes me feel like less of a woman. Knowing I'll never fit in with them in terrifying. I don't want to feel this lonely forever.
I live in a smallish, conservative community in the south. There are not many women around here that don't have kids or at least plan on having them. I spent my entire life just knowing that I would be a mother. Yet here I am. And where I am right now feels very weird and foreign. I have no clue how to navigate my future. I'm just kind of winging it. And I'm doing it without many other women around me that have been where I am. I'm scared.
I am dealing with a major crisis of faith right now too. I don't want to go into detail because I'd probably just come off sounding like a heretic to some people but trust me, I'm really confused about everything I've ever believed about God right now.
I keep telling myself that it will get easier. It has to get easier. I just wish the easy part would hurry up and get here.