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A lot has happened in infertility-land since I last blogged. My husband and I have come to yet another decision. We are not doing an IVF cycle this year. We are officially on hiatus from trying to get pregnant. We are going to re-evaluate how we feel and what we want to do in Spring of 2014. There is a very real possibility that we will decide not to pursue IVF. We will also not be pursuing adoption at this time (possibly never). Right now I am considering us childfree.
After nearly three years of hell I finally feel free. I feel like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders. My husband does too. Infertility has taken a major toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I see many women in the infertility community that go through treatments for years or who are going through the adoption process and they are still able find joy in their lives. I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve been stuck and massively unhappy. Please understand that this is the perspective I am coming from. I am still 100% supportive of those of you that are continuing your path to parenthood. It just became less of a path for me and more of a mud-bog of misery that I have been stuck in.
All that said, I am excited about the future now because my future isn't being held hostage by something that may never happen. I now feel like I have some control over my future.
My husband and I are learning to dream new dreams and we are working towards new adventures. We want to travel. We want to go on a cruise and to Las Vegas. I want to build a career. We want to do some home renovations. You know that room that was set aside to be a nursery? That is now my room to do whatever I want with.
We may decide in the Spring or even in a few years that we want to try again. Right now we are living our lives and learning to be happy again.
I hope you stay with me as I continue to blog. While I may not be trying to conceive right now I do know that struggle, the pain is still there and I will always fight like hell for the rights of every person to build their family. I will also be blogging from the ‘childfree after infertility’ perspective for the time being. I think this is an underrepresented group in the infertility community.
I still have a lot of emotions to work through. Some days are hard (for example, hearing about the royal baby non-stop for days has been really hard) and some days are great. I don’t expect to be 100% okay with not having kids anytime soon. I know it will take some time. I still cannot stand hearing about pregnancies or babies. If anything, knowing that I’ll probably never have those things makes hearing about them even more grating. Hopefully I will eventually get to a point where being around children and hearing about pregnancies won’t make me want to gag.
I realize that many people will think that I have simply “given up.” But you know what? It took more strength, tears and bravery than I can adequately express to come to the decision that we have.
I have not given up. I have chosen to live again.
I'm very proud of you. Call me when it is convenient. Love you, Grandmama
ReplyDelete"I have not given up. I have chosen to live again."
ReplyDeleteYes. This is important.
We stopped trying infertility treatments once we found out how unlikely it was for us to get pregnant and it was a huge relief. When we started the adoption process we decided in advance that we would give ourselves a year and, if nothing was actually in process at that point, we would be done and fine with it. The adoption process ended up working out, but I was actually looking forward to being childfree for a while there.
This is a really hard decision and I'm glad you are able to make it and let everything rest. It's not worth it if you are always miserable. *HUGS*
I am amazed at the courage it took for you and your husband to make such a strong decision. While infertility has taken over my life as well I understand (along with many others) the struggles, pain, tears, and every other emotion known to man that come along with it! I hope you and your husband enjoy your time together because you two are a family. Enjoy the cruise, the Las Vegas, the WORLD! I look forward to following you on your journey :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post! We too are on a massive break...possibly to never return to fertility treatments ever again. Neither of us feel called to adoption either, so we are also considering living child-free. I know a lot of people don't understand, but that's ok. It's your life! No one else's. So let them judge. Because they'll never know the pain you've been through. You deserve to make the best decision for you!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, choosing to live as a family of two is NOT giving up. What you're doing is far from it. Instead you are choosing to resolve your infertility. Granted, you are choosing a road that few travel down and, hence, have difficulty understanding. But it's not giving up.
ReplyDeleteAs you move forward, I really encourage you to seek out support. There are a number of blogs:
Pamela Tsigdinos's (http://blog.silentsorority.com/), Loribeth's (http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/) and Mali's (http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/) and the Barreness (http://the-barreness.blogspot.com/) are good places to start. In addition, I recommend a couple of books: Silent Sorority and even Sweet Grapes.
Finally, I look forward to hearing more about this new chapter of your journey. And never, ever apologize for making this decision. It's a loving one.
Thank you all so, so much for your support. It means more than you know.
ReplyDeleteI love, love, love this post. I'm glad that you are choosing LIFE. Come what may, so much good lies ahead for you guys!!
ReplyDeleteWe plan on going on lots of cruises like someone else we know :)
DeleteHuge kudos to you for your decision to take charge of your life! My hubby and I made this same decision 2 years ago. It was such a release jump of the IF rollercoaster and focus on us again. We now have a much stronger, happier relationship because of this. After our 2 year hiatus, we did decide to try 1 round of IVF this fall. Regardless of the outcome, it feels quite freeing to know that by the end of this year I will never have to step into an RE's office again.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I are just beginning our journey as a family of two also. I could have written this post myself. We had 2 failed IVFs and we just didn't have it in us to do anymore. I'm always glad to fine others who chose this road. There aren't a lot of us
ReplyDeleteThere aren't many of us at all. I think that's been one of the hardest parts for me so far. I feel even more alone in this than I did at being infertile and gong through treatments. Most of my infertile friends have babies now. The rest are going through treatments. No one really seems to get the emotions that I am dealing with. It is hard. Do you have a blog or twitter account? I'd love to follow you!
DeleteI do. It's erinvns.wordpress.com. Most of my blog friends have babies and are pregnant now too. I'm happy for them but sometimes it makes me feel left behind. And a lot of the childfree bloggers have been childfree for a long time so they are a lot further along in the process than me.
DeleteHi Rachel. Thanks for sharing. I am in a very similar situation, so it was lovely to read your thoughts and reflections. My hubby and me have always been on the fence about kids, but we decided to try and let nature take its course nearly 3 years ago. Nothing happened. We then did all the tests, were totally unhappy and stressed out (particularly me), and found nothing wrong, but were offered a round of IUI and then onto IVF. We live in the UK, so we would get IUI and also 3 rounds of IVF for free. Still, when faced with the decision of going into treatment, we backed and had a rethink. Similarly to you, we felt the whole TTC thing had got us very unhappy, and we didn’t want to look back in 10 yrs time and find that we only lived for this and not had enjoyed life. It’s been bloody hard, still battling with the idea that maybe having a baby is “The Meaning of Life” and the ultimate way to fulfilment. I know intellectually that this is not right, but sometimes it feels that way – with norms in society and when e.v.e.r.y.b.o.d.y. in our circle of friends are pregnant, have a baby or expecting a second. We are now thinking of moving away for a while, to some cooler, more vibrant place with more childfree, entrepreneurial people, that we can spend time with. Anyway, thanks for sharing, will keep following your blog. x
ReplyDelete