It Isn't Easy

Since I revealed that we have stopped trying to get pregnant I have gotten some wonderful support and feedback. I really appreciate all of the love and support that I have received. One of the comments I keep getting is people telling me that I'm brave. This one baffles me. I certainly do not feel brave right now.

I am trying to accept that I will most likely never have children. This isn't easy. It hurts. I am dealing with such a wide range of emotions.

The things that bothered me while we were going through treatments seem even harder now. Pregnancy announcements hurt so much. My heart actually aches when I see one. Hearing people talk about their kids nonstop feels very isolating. I cannot relate to them. I never will be able to. That is a very lonely feeling. Not fitting in with the mommy crowd makes me feel like less of a woman. Knowing I'll never fit in with them in terrifying. I don't want to feel this lonely forever.

I live in a smallish, conservative community in the south. There are not many women around here that don't have kids or at least plan on having them. I spent my entire life just knowing that I would be a mother. Yet here I am. And where I am right now feels very weird and foreign. I have no clue how to navigate my future. I'm just kind of winging it. And I'm doing it without many other women around me that have been where I am. I'm scared.

I am dealing with a major crisis of faith right now too. I don't want to go into detail because I'd probably just come off sounding like a heretic to some people but trust me, I'm really confused about everything I've ever believed about God right now.

I keep telling myself that it will get easier. It has to get easier. I just wish the easy part would hurry up and get here.

Barrenness Has Its Perks

Every night my husband and I talk about the many benefits of not having children. At first I could only think of the negatives but I’ve really gotten into this nightly game of ours. I thought I’d share some of our musings with you all.

We get to use as much foul language as we want in our house (and trust me, we use a lot of it). The dogs certainly aren’t going to go repeat anything we say to their grandma and grandpa.

We get to watch Dexter, The Walking Dead and American Horror Story without worrying about emotionally scarring someone for life.

I won’t need a boob-lift. Seriously, breast feeding does all kinds of horrible to your boobs. Mine will remain firm and perky for quite some time.

We can go on vacations that we will actually enjoy. No Disney Land for us! We can stay at those couples-only resorts and drink as many adult beverages as we want to.

Piper and Kabuki won’t have to compete with a small human for our attention. It would have been a very hard adjustment for them. We are pretty sure that they think they are human children.

The only cartoons in this house are South Park and Bob’s Burgers. Dora the Explorer will never be singing her annoying songs on our television.

The liquor cabinet will never require a lock.

We get to sleep in on the weekends. And naps. We get to take naps whenever we feel like it.

We will get to spend our money on things that are actually fun instead of paying for diapers and private schools.

It’s all about the silver linings. #Winning

Dreaming a New Dream

Image courtesy of http://gateway-women.com

Once again I have to apologize for my absence on my blog. I have been VERY busy. I got a new job! I really like it and I am excited to be working outside of the home.

A lot has happened in infertility-land since I last blogged. My husband and I have come to yet another decision. We are not doing an IVF cycle this year. We are officially on hiatus from trying to get pregnant. We are going to re-evaluate how we feel and what we want to do in Spring of 2014. There is a very real possibility that we will decide not to pursue IVF. We will also not be pursuing adoption at this time (possibly never). Right now I am considering us childfree.

After nearly three years of hell I finally feel free. I feel like a ton of bricks has been taken off of my shoulders. My husband does too. Infertility has taken a major toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I see many women in the infertility community that go through treatments for years or who are going through the adoption process and they are still able find joy in their lives. I haven’t been able to do that. I’ve been stuck and massively unhappy. Please understand that this is the perspective I am coming from. I am still 100% supportive of those of you that are continuing your path to parenthood. It just became less of a path for me and more of a mud-bog of misery that I have been stuck in.

All that said, I am excited about the future now because my future isn't being held hostage by something that may never happen. I now feel like I have some control over my future.

My husband and I are learning to dream new dreams and we are working towards new adventures. We want to travel. We want to go on a cruise and to Las Vegas. I want to build a career. We want to do some home renovations. You know that room that was set aside to be a nursery? That is now my room to do whatever I want with.

We may decide in the Spring or even in a few years that we want to try again. Right now we are living our lives and learning to be happy again.

I hope you stay with me as I continue to blog. While I may not be trying to conceive right now I do know that struggle, the pain is still there and I will always fight like hell for the rights of every person to build their family. I will also be blogging from the ‘childfree after infertility’ perspective for the time being. I think this is an underrepresented group in the infertility community.

I still have a lot of emotions to work through. Some days are hard (for example, hearing about the royal baby non-stop for days has been really hard) and some days are great. I don’t expect to be 100% okay with not having kids anytime soon. I know it will take some time. I still cannot stand hearing about pregnancies or babies. If anything, knowing that I’ll probably never have those things makes hearing about them even more grating. Hopefully I will eventually get to a point where being around children and hearing about pregnancies won’t make me want to gag.

I realize that many people will think that I have simply “given up.” But you know what? It took more strength, tears and bravery than I can adequately express to come to the decision that we have.

I have not given up. I have chosen to live again.