That Cruel One Line

This cycle is a bust. Our last-ditch effort at avoiding IVF didn't work.

That one line on a pregnancy test has to be one of the cruelest sights on the planet. At least, it is for me right now.

I can't even describe what it's like to feel as though you've lost something that was never there to begin with. It's a cruel reality that steals your right to feel grief. How do you grieve something that never was?

How do you keep it together when seemingly everyone around you is getting exactly what you want but cannot have?

How do keep faith that God is really there when you feel like you've been completely overlooked?

How do you come up with all of this money to "buy" a baby when you're a young couple? How many women in their 20s have to pay for what should come naturally?

This post has been really depressing, so I'll end on a joke. Anyone know where I can get $1,000 in the next two months? I've been watching Breaking Bad and it's giving me some ideas ;-)

P.S. The Thirty-One party is still open. It will be closed at midnight tonight. If you don't like purses but still want to contribute, see the donations button in the top right.

The Champagne Room is Open

Gotta love that title. It reminds me of a song from when I was a teenager. Computers don't give out champagne (unfortunately we haven't created such a brilliant technology yet) but the party is open!

The Thirty-One part to help my husband and I raise the funds needed for our first IVF cycle is now open!

http://www.mythirtyone.com/shop/catalog.aspx?eventId=E2109348&from=DIRECTLINK

Please take a look, browse through the catalog, and see if you find something you like. If you don't find anything you'd like to purchase (and even if you do), prayers are greatly needed and appreciated!

I am still just in awe of all the love and support that has been shown to my husband and I during this very stressful and emotionally trying time.

You guys have reminded me that there IS still good in this world, and God has used your love and kindness to remind me that He hasn't forgotten us. Those two things are priceless.

Now lets have a virtual toast to hope. I'm drinking lemonade. So yeah, here, here!

Some Cool News

I have some really cool news!

I have an really awesome friend who has generously offered to help my husband and I raise money for IVF by throwing an online Thirty-One party! 20% of all sales will go to help us build our family.

The online party will start this Friday, August 17th, at 6:00am an will end on the night of Thursday, August 30th at midnight.

Please, take a look at the catalog and see if here is anything you'd like. If you have any friends who love Thirty-One products, please let them know about this party as well.

If you are wondering what Thirty-One is, thy are a company that sells handbags, totes, organizational products, gifts, insulated lunch bags and much, much more. The best part? You can customize your product. You pick the print and can have a name, word or monogram added to it!

Here is the link to my party!

Rachel's Thirty-One Party

The Battle That Never Ends

I don't want to write this post. It makes me sad. But I haven't written much in a while, so I figure I have to write something.

We are going to have to put off our IVF cycle for a couple of months. While we have had some wonderful people step up help us, we still don't have all the funds and we do not want to go into debt for this. Going into debt for it wouldn't be fair to any child that results from it, in our opinion. 

For those of you that don't know, I've started my own business and it has been harder than I thought it would be to find clients. I have much less money coming in from my job than I expected at this point, which also makes me sad. I know it takes time, but I feel like a failure.

We are really hoping that we won't have to wait past November to start IVF.

In the mean time we are trying one last cycle of clomid. So you can imagine what a joy I have been to be around. I really didn't have many side effects with my first five rounds. This one has been very different. I don't sleep well. When I do sleep I have the most horrible nightmares. My nerves are shattered and just about everything is making me irritable.

Infertile Confession: Today at the grocery store I parked in the expectant mother's parking spot and in my mind I was just daring anyone to say I didn't look pregnant. My response would've gone something like this, "It says expectant mother's, right? Well guess what!? I'm infertile and I've been expecting a baby for two years!"

So yeah, I'm a joy to be around at the moment. Haha... Oh, it's sad but it is so true! 

And on top of all of that I have had about fifty other VERY stressful things happen in the past three weeks. 

I'm so tired of this fight. I need a break, but there is no break in sight. Unfortunately, there are no breaks from the pain of wanting something with every fiber of your being, yet having to fight like hell to try to get it. You just have to keep fighting.