Saturday, July 9, 2011

Always Waiting

I feel like I am in a constant state of waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test for pregnancy, waiting for my period, and waiting to become a mother. Right now I am waiting to test...again. I tested two days ago hoping I would get an early positive. I didn't. There was just one cruel pink line staring back up at me. I have to wait two more days to test again, but I have a sick feeling that it will still be negative.

I am having a "down" day. I am sad and nervous and feel hopeless. I went to a party today and saw a mother with her beautiful newborn daughter. Behind my smile and my words of congratulations I wondered if it would ever happen for me. I cannot imagine my life without seeing myself as a mother. So I wait. I wait for the next chapter of our life and our family. I wait...and wait...and wait some more.


  1. Hi Rach,
    Sorry I haven't been on before this but I was having connectivity issues. All better now. I do not believe for even one minute that you will not be a mother! Some people are born meant to be mothers and I feel that you are one of these people. Sometimes getting TO the motherhood is harder than getting THROUGH the motherhood (my parents had to adopt me). I always feel bad when I hear things like this. I myself do not wish to have children, it is a choice I have made. The cruel fate of it is that I can get pregnant technically but I cannot carry or deliver a baby. I wish I could give you my beginning ability so that you could carry it to fruition. But do not give up hope, I have seen the strangest things happen and who have been told they are barren suddenly be with child. I know this is a very difficult time for you and the waiting is made harder by seeing those around you have what you want most. You would be a wonderful mother and I do not believe that God would overlook this. He has a time and a way picked out for you and you will get there. Do you know the Footprints poem? Read the part about "when you needed me most, that is when i carried you.". Allow yourself to be carried.

    If you want to talk ever, you have my email and phone and FB and Twitter, you'll find me somewhere....


  2. I know the feeling. It feels as if life is just a waiting room when ttc. Life in two week increments: waiting to ovulate, and waiting to see if AF or the second pink line will show up.

    Can't wait to follow your journey, and hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel for you.

  3. Thank you Sarah. You have been so great. I know I will be a mother eventually. I wouldn't have such an intense desire to be a mother if I wasn't meant to be one. The road getting there is just hard and full of unknowns.