Friday, September 13, 2013

What Child Free Means to Me

I wrote a blog post for We're {Not} Having A Baby earlier this week. That is a child free website. The people who run it, Lance and Amy, are fantastic and supportive people. You can read my post here.

I got some VERY negative comments on that post from some members of the child free community. Some were downright nasty and cruel. It was so bad that Lance and Amy wrote this follow-up post. Their follow-up post was wonderful. I think it raises some great points.

I would like to thank all of the people who commented who were kind and those who disagreed with me in a civil manner.

I got a really sweet message from my hardcore child free sister-in-law after she read the post. She said something that I absolutely love -

"I tend to think of being child free as living life for me, not for my progeny. It means making yourself a Limited Edition Model vs. an assembly line item." 

This is the best definition I've ever seen of what child free living is. And this is exactly what I am doing - living my life for me and for my husband. To me, child free doesn't mean you hate kids. It doesn't mean that you think "breeders" are awful. It doesn't mean that you never, ever, ever wanted to have children. To me, child free means that you are choosing to live an amazing life without children.

It's funny, since we decided to stop fertility treatments I have started really appreciating my childless life. I have a job that I absolutely love and I work hours that wouldn't work if I had a kid. My husband and I are planning trips to go on because we love to travel. (Soon we are going to Niagara Falls!) Travel is just not as fun with littles in tow. 

Right now I honestly don't want to be pregnant. I don't want a child. (I never thought I would utter those words!) That could change in five years, I don't know. I'm leaving my options open because I find it confining and overwhelming to lock myself into a permanent decision right now. I'm only 26 for heavens sake. But for now I am so happy with the family that I have.

Writing that post and reading the responses did teach me something. I do not need the approval of anyone when it comes to how I self-identify. Right now I self-identify as child free. I am not childless or child preferred. Childless implies that I am missing something - I'm not. Child preferred implies that I want to have a baby right now - I don't.

I made a choice and I am happy with it. I am living a life that makes me happy. No negativity can take that away from me.

11 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you wrote that. I'm so disappointed in some of the comments by women on your post. You did a great job.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Holy crap!! I can't believe some if the comments!! Completely insular and narrow-minded. I'm glad you had te support from a lot of the community, but wow. Just wow.

    ReplyDelete
  3. We really appreciate the post you wrote for us on w{n}hab! There were quite a few nasty comments, but so many supportive ones as well. Our goal is to make the label childfree mean simply 'A person who has decided not to have kids'; not parent, child or possible parent hater. Your post let us have a conversation about this. And as we've said before, it was incredibly brave of you to do this.

    We intend to solicit more posts from those that identify as childfree, no matter why, so that we can keep the conversation going.

    Thanks Rachel!

    Lance & Amy @ werenothavingababy.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There were so many supportive comments and I am so appreciative to those people. The negative ones just stuck out to me because they were hurtful. I am still glad I did the post though. I hope I gave support to people like myself and gave others something to think about. Thank you for letting me write for your website! And once again, you guys are awesome :)

      Rachel

      Delete
  4. Wow...I never considered not "belonging" to the child free community after infertility. I worked really hard to try to reconcile myself to not having kids while doing treatments. I think after you've dealt with infertility for a long time, you have to. You have to turn it into a "choice" and see the positives in it so you don't go crazy! I am happy that you've come to such a good place with you life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Controversy aside, I really enjoyed your article. It basically sums up how I felt. Completely taken over by trying to have a baby and making a choice to get my life back by stopping fertility treatment. Too bad some people are just exclusionary and narrow minded.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true. That is why we have to support each other!

      Delete
  6. I'll have to go back and read the original post... but I had to comment quick and just say that I'm so happy I found your blog. My husband and I just made the decision to be childfree as well after many fertility treatments. I feel like people don't understand why someone would want to be childfree - they think WE are the crazy ones. HAHA.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am late to this party but THANK YOU for writing your post on w{n}hab. You have expressed something that resonated with me, something that I have had trouble finding in childfree sites. I am much older than you (42) and my husband and I have struggled with the maybe/baby thing for many years. I have suffered 2 miscarriages, and decided no fertility treatments felt right afterwards. We are good and happy with our life! But I feel so out of place in the world sometimes. You have expressed that conflicted feeling so well. Thank you again!

    ReplyDelete
  8. To every woman its always a joy that after marriage the next should be holding her child, I did gave birth to mine but after 4 months I lost her and since then I have not been able to conceive again for the past 7 years after I lost my child. I have been to so many hospitals and I have done series of tests. Though I have a very supporting and understanding husband but I was always thinking about it. It became my major problem every time I see children calling their mommy .i was willing to do any thing and willing to pay any price at all just to have a child of mine own. So one day I came across a post of this man and how he has been helping people of the same problem, I told my husband about it and he said will should give him a try and this is the last, I immediately contacted him on the address I found on the net and I got to he. I told him all that I have been facing and if there is any solution to mine to my greatest surprise he told me to calm down that I was going to have a child soon I did not believe it. He told me that he was going to send me medicine which he did and advice that I should meet with my husband which I did. After some weeks I was feeling really weak I told my husband about it. The next morning I went for a check up after the test I was told by my doctor that I am pregnant I could not believe it I was happy in side but I could not control it so I have to show it out with a tears. Am so happy now because he has restore my life and my home. if you are reading this comment and you have the same problem or you know any one of the same problem please contact him. Here are his contacts dralaskajohn@gmail.com or call him on +2348169591194

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Rachel! I'm Heather and I wanted to know if you would be able to answer a question about your blog! If you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com that would be great!

    ReplyDelete