Musings of a Reproductively Challenged Woman
HI Rachel. I'm so glad I found your blog. I've wanted children for as long as I can remember, and just always assumed that I would have them, even writing out lists of baby names in the back of my high school work books. I got diagnosed with a rare life threatening bone marrow disorder 7 years ago, and have learnt that there is 50% chance of passing it on to any children we have.My husband and I got married in May last year, and we have had a brief consultation appointment with a fertility consultant about starting PGD, (where they test the embryo for the 'faulty' gene before implanting through IVF). The consultant told me that I probably shouldn't even be considering getting pregnant due to the potential risks to my health.After that appointment I was devastated, and spent 2 or 3 nights crying to my husband telling him that I have failed as a human and asking why this was happening to me.Since then, my husband has revealed that he's now not sure he even wants children anyway - despite me asking him on our third date what his life plan was, does he want kids, he replied yes, so I carried on dating him. If he'd said no, I'd have probably ditched him at the time.Anyway, since he's dropped the bombshell, I've been thinking long and hard about it, and I'm kind of on the fence now. If having children is going to risk my life, is it really worth it? (The reason for me needing fertility treatment probably means I won't meet the requirements to be an adoptive parent either) Can I just be happy with what I have, an amazing husband, and loving family? I think the answer to that question is 'yes'. And I feel like a huge cloud has moved out of my view, and I can see a future that I hadn't even considered before.I'm due to become an Auntie in April, and I am so excited that I get to share all of the nice bits, without the sleepless nights and nappy duty. I'm kind of getting my head around the pro's of remaining child free, it makes perfect sense for us. We're in debt already anyway, what's the point getting into even more financial hardship and is it fair to raise a kid that we can't even afford? I'm getting a niece who I can do fun stuff with, without the risk to my health or the death of my social life.I think I get it. There might come a day where I break down and ponder the 'what if's', but I think that is inevitable anyway, regardless of what life choice you make.Also a part of me thinks if I CHOOSE to be childfree now, before starting expensive fertility treatment, I will be empowered to not have the emotional devastation that TTC can bring.Sorry this was so long, I just needed to get all of my thoughts out to someone who understands.Thank you!